• After 15+ years, we've made a big change: Android Forums is now Early Bird Club. Learn more here.

Tell me a joke...

One evening, a husband, thinking he was being clever, teased his wife, saying,
"Maybe we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast — it might shave a few inches off your backside!"
His wife, far from amused, decided she couldn’t let such a comment slide without a little payback.
The next morning, as the husband pulled out a pair of underwear from his drawer, he noticed a puff of powdery dust fill the air.
"What on earth is this?" he muttered, baffled, as he shook them out.
"April!" he called out to his wife in the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
With a sly grin, she replied, "Oh, honey, that’s not talcum powder... it's Miracle-Gro."
 
main-qimg-2ef80fa7aa4d8aa7e06867cf3b4cf59f-jpg.667705
 
An Arkansas State trooper pulled a car over on I-30 about 2 miles north of Malvern. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Little Rock to do a show for the Children’s Hospital. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from Sheridan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that sobriety test.”
 
olbriar said:
An Arkansas State trooper pulled a car over on I-30 about 2 miles north of Malvern. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Little Rock to do a show for the Children’s Hospital. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from Sheridan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that sobriety test.”
Click to expand...
True story: many years ago I was driving with a friend from the SF Bay area to Colorado and got stopped on US50 outside of Tahoe. The CHP officer was ina good mood, apparently, and told me if I had a good joke for him, he'd let me off with a warning.
I got out of the ticket and after we were back on the road, my friend said, "You did realize the joke you told him was about drunk driving, right?" :D
 
I recited this to get out of a DUI and had them puzzled over how I could, in their words "stagger, slur my speech, and stumble around without falling over while reciting when technically too drunk to be anywhere but home, and then seem completely sober when done".

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me just yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So just give me one more fink to drill my cup, 'cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.




up
 
A State Department of Fish and Wildlife sends a letter to a home/landowner asking for permission to access a creek on his property to document the decline in a certain species of unheard of frogs.

The property owners' response in the second letter is EPIC.

Letter from Dept. Of Fish & Wildlife:

Dear Landowner:
WDFWR Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs & other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this research we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing this letter to request your permission to access your property.

Recent research indicates that foothill yellow-legged frogs have declined significantly in recent years and are no longer found at half their historic sites. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated and will help contribute to the conservation of this important species.

Please fill out the attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you are willing to let us cross your property or not.

If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research.

Sincerely

Steve Nemel

Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist

* **
** *

RESPONSE FROM LANDOWNERS:

Dear Mr. Nemel:

Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.

We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the "Frog Survey License" ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a "Frog Habitat" parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle).

You will also need an "Invasive Species" stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add'l vehicle) You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for Non-native plant life prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.

If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your "Creek Habitat" stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident).

Survey units open between 8 am. And 3 PM. But you cannot commence survey until 9 am. And must cease all survey activity by 1 PM.

Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2" diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18 in handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6' from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles.

After 1 PM. You can use a net with a 3" diameter if you purchase the "Frog Net Endorsement" ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident).

Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.

As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our "Premium Survey" units and application is again only $8.00 per application.

However, all fees can be waived if you can verify "Native Indian Tribal rights and status".

You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of "Frog Surveys" and your "Comprehensive Course on Frog Identification, Safe Handling Practices, and Self-Defense Strategies for Frog Attacks."

This course is offered on-line through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.

Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.

Sincerely,
The American Citizens!
 
Chuck Norris wins the Olympics by showing up, he drunk all the pool water and spat it out for cleaning.
He run around the gym instantly, and then finally smiled, of where the cameras try to look away.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom