I would just like to install a text editor and spreadsheet that doesn't require crazy permissions (like permission to make phone calls: WTF does a spreadsheet need to make phone calls?!)
Does it need to make phone calls, no. Does it need to monitor phone state, yes. That way if you are editing a document and receive a phone call, it can save your document and go into a hibernation state.
I'm as paranoid about sharing data online as you are which is why I don't sync my data online.
Install Avast mobile security (free). Among its many tools it includes a firewall with which you can select - app by app - which apps to block from wifi or any other access. So even if it accesses your phone data the firewall will prevent it from being sent out.
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