Alright there buckaroo, I had the same problem and was on the verge of ripping my dick off. Luckily for you and my precious second head, there is a solution!
Step 1 is getting wifi turned off. Hopefully you're already there, but if not you will have to turn your phone off and go at MAXIMUM TURBO to get it switched off. You could also try going somewhere without wifi.
Step 2 is where the BEEF is happening. You see friendo, the thing killing your phone isn't actually the wifi. It's some whack-ass update getting freaky in your system. You gotta slip into the play store. Open the menu and go to "My Apps and Games"
Step 3 is where the fun starts. You should have a shiny list of updates available. Cancel all of them. I also uninstalled the apps, but I'm not sure if I needed to.
Step 4 CELEBRATE. Time to frolic and romp and play. Live your life. Enjoy yo self.
