Tell me a joke...

[Unforgiven]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2026 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$195,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $5,950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but you'd better offer $6,200,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

 

[Unforgiven]

My wife and I decided to use a secret code word when we wanted to be intimate so our 5-year-old wouldn't catch on. We chose the word "typewriter".

One night I told my daughter “go tell mommy daddy needs to type a letter".

She went to her mom and came back saying"mommy says you can't right now there's a red ribbon in the typewriter".

A few days later my wife told her "go tell daddy he can type that letter now".

She came to me then ran back to her mom and said, daddy said never mind he already wrote the letter by hand and it only took a minute and he told me not to tell you!

 

[The_Chief]

A young country lady called her big city cousin in a panic, explaining she had been invited on a blind date and was terrified she would say something awkward and scare the guy away. Her cousin assured her to remain calm: she'd visit that weekend and they could both go on a blind double-date together.
"I've done this many times," she said. "Just sit in the back seat with your date and repeat everything I say to my date and you'll be just fine."
After dinner, the four were driving to the theater for a movie.
The city cousin turned to her date and said, "honey, I'm contemplating matrimony..."
The country cousin tried to hear what her cousin said, but didn't quite get it right. She turned to her date.
"Honey, I'm constipated from macaroni..."

 

[olbriar]

 

[Unforgiven]

 

[rootabaga]

Spoiler

 

[The_Chief]

I was strolling the street of a town I was visiting and stopped for a quick bite at a sidewalk cafe. There I saw a curious activity going on.

A man, with an orange safety vest, would dig a hole between the sidewalk and the street. The hole was as wide as it was deep. He would then walk about 100 feet down the road and dig another one.

About two holes behind him, another man in an orange safety vest would shovel the dirt back in and fill up the hole.

This went on and on, block after block. I sat there in stunned amazement, curious about what they were doing.

Once they were about two blocks away, I walked in their direction and caught up with the man filling the holes. I told him I'd been observing their hard work, but didn't understand what they were doing or why. He was happy to explain:

"Well, we usually work as a 3-man team," he said casually, "but the guy who plants the trees is out sick today."

 

[Unforgiven]

The pastor concluded that the church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.Jack, Paul and Boudreaux all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Boudreaux who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Boudreaux stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Boudreaux, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.""Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand..."You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Boudreaux and said, "And Boudreaux, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Boudreaux silently offered the minister a large envelope.The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Boudreaux, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

"Boudreaux just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Boudreaux.

"Boud shrugged.. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Boudreaux, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Boudreaux replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

 

[Unforgiven]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep breath, "put the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

[Unforgiven]

An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam.

The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow." The next day the man returned to the office and handed him the jar, which was as clean and empty as the day before.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained,"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then my left, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left—nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then the teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too—first with both hands, then an armpit, she even tried squeezin' it between her knees—but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!"

 

[The_Chief]

What is the most dangerous drug in prison?

Viagra.