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Help, no phones work correctly for 7 plus years now

Maybe it's time to throw in the hat and switch to being part of the Amish community?
Seriously, most likely your accounts are all hacked, so the only thing you can do is buy a new device paid by cash, new carrier (no contract plan) new Gmail account....
Trust no one.
 
I think it's because of the updates...
What, the OP got hacked because of updates? That doesn't seem likely.

(BTW I get updates monthly on my Samsung, with annual major updates. The same was true on the Pixel before it. Never had a problem with updates on either, apart from one month when Google released an unstable update for the Pixel, but that was fixed after a few weeks. Even my ancient Note 10.1 tablet was improved by the few updates it got. There's a lot of mythology about "updates make phones worse", but that's never been my experience).
 
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