HOA's can be a good thing, but it really depends on who is running them and how much power they have....
One of the most fun (at work) evenings I had was going along to the first HOA meeting for a new development, where 47.8% of the new build properties had been purchased, and all these shiny new owners were sat around a table voting on the changes they wanted to the rules (some wanted to change the 'no pets' rule, some wanted to change the parking arrangements, some wanting to change where the bins were kept, etc, etc) Sitting there listening to all the silly, naive, petty arguments from people who, just weeks before, had read and or had had lawyers and estate agents read all these rules etc. to them, and then paid more than $1m each was hilarious... I was the developers representative, and still had 52.2% of the voting rights. What I wanted I got, and they just couldn't get their heads around the fact that they'd chosen to be part of this system
HOA's are an evil thing...
Would you call gay marriage evil IOWA? It is similar in that in some you have restrictions on what you can and can't do; it's also similar in that you choose to live by those restrictions.
...Forcing people to all be a like...
As you say yourself, people choose to live in these developments, nobody is forced. (at least not any I've ever been involved with)
If dictatorship style government is your thing, HOA's are right for you...
Every HOA I've been involved with is a democracy, with each plot/apartment having a vote; nothing like a dictatorship.
As somebody already said, the most important thing in any association is good management. Get a good manager and have regular meetings (and as long as most people within the association are reasonable) and they can work well to benefit everyone.