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Tell me a joke...

And a lawyer joke:

A lawyer wakes up in a hospital room after cardiac surgery.
All the blinds are drawn.
He asks the nurse, "What's going on? Why are the blinds drawn?"

She replies, "Well, the building across the street is on fire, and we didn't want you to think the surgery was a failure!"
 
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A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming,"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"

She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...“Win a Bagel”
 
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be 8 again", she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Puffs, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie with popcorn, soda, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted and feeling sick.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being 8 again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you f@*#* moron!!"

The moral of the story: even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
 
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WARNING! SCAM ALERT! Be on the lookout for these two women. They are hanging out around Walmart parking lots. When you are putting your groceries away they ask you for a ride to McDonald’s. They are very convincing and very hot! Once in your car this one takes her clothes off and starts climbing all over you, while she keeps you busy, the other one takes your wallet. I’ve had mine taken on the 12th, 14th, 15th and twice yesterday and probably two more times tomorrow. Walmart has wallets for $2.99, but I found some at the Dollar Store for .99¢ so I bought all they had.
These two harlots not only take your wallet, but you never even make it to McDonald’s so I’ve already lost 10lbs.
Keep a lookout for them. (I find lunch time and around 5:30 are the best times.)
 
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
 
This older Chinese couple was at home quietly celebrating their 60th anniversary. The wife turns to her little old husband, frail and thin, worked down to the bone after so many years owning and cooking in their little Chinese restaurant, and says, rather sheepishly, “Sweetheart, for our 60th anniversary, I want to ask you for something we’ve never had.” The husband looks lovingly at his wife. How could he say no on this momentous occasion. “What would you like, my love?” She smiles and looks away, too embarrassed to ask. After about 20 seconds, she works up the courage to ask. “I’ve never asked for this, but I was hoping we could have 69.” The husband was confused. He scratched his head, unsure of her request. She said again, “You know, 69.” The husband grumbled and thought, then it hit him.

“You want… beef and broccori??”
 
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