And it's not even about something worth blaming me for. I had a red shirt washed in the laundry. The maid mixed it in with the whites and it bled, turning everything pink. It's pretty funny but my mom blames me for not telling her to separate it. Yeah. God. I can't wait to get married and get out of this house.
Ahh shame man wyndslash I seriously feel for you.
My excuse for a family makes me so unhappy about 6 years ago I took a 9 mil Beretta from the safe and put it against my head.
I couldn't take it any more.
I still can't sometimes actually.
I have no idea... what stopped me from pulling that trigger... God knows how much I wanted to pull it back then... only God knows how much I wanted to just die... I was extremely depressed .... wow that was bad times.
But when I was a fool (and please note not many families are like this I hope yours is better and more peaceful and caring than mine) and believed it would be okay to tell my family and that they would help me out they freaked out bashed the table and yelled at me telling me I am irresponsible and that "they could have got into huge trouble jail" etc yelling their lungs out at me but instead of being caring instead of talking to me instead of just simply loving me for who I am and trying to talk to me about what the problems are they yelled at me and insulted me and wanted to just put me on more medication and send me to the looney bin instead of just talking to me.
So it has been extremely difficult for me to get along with this so called "home".
I have always been yelled at for God knows what - even when I do really really well - none of it matters to them... always in a bad mood... it is intense and I cannot handle it.
There is this huuuge ugly "forest" of steel spikes... barbed wire... and it goes uphill all the way... and even when I bravely take the pain running head first with great pride and great stride I am ripped apart by the steel forest just for me to be heard and even then it is more than likely never heard.
I have a huge hole in my being... it is where I should have been loved but I had to try and fill it myself somehow.
Sadly this makes me feel like resorting to drugs... I feel unwanted and not loved and not respected and appreciated and there is no positive energy here... I really mean it when I say the most unhealthiest thing in the entire universe is negative energy... there is not 1 single thing that is worse than negative energy.
Nothing is worse than it... nothing worse than that horrible negative energy that destroys lives by the millions for nothing.
Very sad even though I am a very loving and caring human being myself I have never been truly loved even though I am such a wonderful person.
I am torn inside even if it is not at all well seen by many many many people (I hide it well even though I am very sad and depressed inside) - I just wish I could let it all out but the pain inside used to become worse when I would even bother to talk to them so I gave up and I feel a lot better for it.
So I sadly had to just give up.
Throw in the towel before it completely destroys me and rips me apart.
They make me so unhappy... and I never do it to them... it is not right.
I feel for you wyndslash.
I hope your mother or family take the time, care, responsibility, understanding and intelligence to understand how bright and important you really really really are.
I am extremely sorry you have a bad home environment.
I cannot think of a single worse thing than that.
Not 1 thing.
I want to leave this place - unfortunately my part time job is the ONLY THING making me
extremely happy and sadly it is not enough to cover the rent some where and move out and I do not want to give up my part time job ever because it is the only thing that makes me feel useful and loved and respected and appreciated and I can never wait for work to start.
I only feel this way because it is school holidays and work is not going to start again until next year mid January.
:/
i agree with the others 500%.... you don't need to be married to move out.
If you can find a job or something then you might be able to get away from it.
I sadly am in a difficult situation because I do not want to part with the only thing making me happy... because then I don't know what will happen to me.
I will most probably lose it completely.
But then I have to step back... take a deep breath... and try and forget about making them happy... relax.... smile... hold my head up high and remind myself that I am important... that I need to love myself... I am
special... and I am a
wonderful person - just like you too wyndslash even though the only ones I really want to be accepted by do not love me... I need to let this go and realise you can take a horse to the water but that does not mean it will drink.
If it helps I dig you for who you are and I know you are such a wonderful person and I always enjoy reading your posts!
I hope I helped you out somehow lol.
xD
