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Reuniting with my Dad after 10 years.

Kaiser17

Kaiser17

Android Enthusiast
Its a pretty big story, but ill try to simplify it as much as I can.

So here is the back story, back when I was 9 my dad wanted to move the family back to his home country which is Bangladesh. My mom and I didn't wanna go, because of me.. being born and brought up here in the U.S. my life is here, not some third world country where my parents are from.

But he was the man, what he said was what mattered, so he finally convinced my mom. Of course I didn't wanna go but I was just a kid. So then we went there within 2 months of being there he kicked us out and filed for divorce from my mom and we were forced to go live with my grandparents from my mom's side. He took all of my mom's life earnings as my mom loved him and trusted him and he managed all of the money and income. So my mom didn't have any money to buy tickets and come back. Not only that but my dad held our passports which was another hassle. It took awhile to get our passports done from the embassy there. We ended up being in Bangladesh for almost 3 years from march of 2003 to October of 2005.

Life over there was tough.. couldn't adjust to the life there being just a kid and being born and raised in the U.S. so I went through alot of shit over there, which caused me to mature alot faster than I should for my age.

Now when you look back and think, it was my dad
 
Thanks for sharing Kaiser.

I can sympathize. My dad put my mom and my brothers through a lot of crap when I was young. It wasn't your situation, but I won't bore you with the details of mine. But, I will tell you that after many years of separation my dad did want to re-establish contact with me. By that time I was married and had a son of my own. I was very dubious about his motives, but I took a chance and met up with him (which my brothers did not.)

I, too, was hopeful that he had some remorse and turned a new leaf. But, all those years ago, it was so easy for him to lie and do what he wanted without any thought to others. After spending a little time with him it was clear nothing had changed. And, while I didn't erase him from my life completely, I knew never to expect too much from him.

While I hope your situation turns out better, a little word of warning to not set yourself up for another disappointment. It's very hard for people to change who they are.
 
Thanks, thats whats im worried about. I hope hes changed but him being him I really dont ever see him changing but it doesn't hurt to give him a chance. He's getting old and im his only son. He is married now to another woman, but the girl isn't his but from my step mother's previous marriage. He treats the girl like his own but deep down he knows im his only family.
 
To me it looks like your dad willingly forfeited all of his rights to a relationship with you. Even though he's nominally your parent, you're clearly the rightful boss of what happens, or not. Trust your gut, and be on the lookout for signs of manipulation. Remember that he conned you and your mom in a big way! That kind of behavior doesn't just go away. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

It's good that you forgave him. Carrying a grudge only hurts you. But don't let him be able to exploit your forgiveness as a sign of weakness. IMO he has the responsibility to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes to rebuild trust. Don't expect things to be magically healed because there hasn't been any healing yet. Maybe down the road, but not today.

My dad's father abandoned his family when he was young, but old enough to be hurt by it. I can't imagine how it was, but I could see how it had torn him up. As the saying goes, you don't get to pick your family. This is an opportunity to restore a missing piece of yours, which can be a Good Thing. But nothing is guaranteed. Proceed with caution, and take your time. Rome wasn't rebuilt in a day.
 
Maybe this is prying so feel free to ignore it if it is, but how did you get to the point where you forgave him? With me it came out a little over a month ago that my dad emotionally abused me as a kid. I had no clue and honestly thought it was normal for parents to scream at and belittle their children and thought the fault was always with me for not being able to handle normal parenting. Now the larger part of me wants nothing at all to do with the guy because of what he did. The small, tiny part of me wants to forgive him because he's my dad. Every part of me wants nothing at all to do with him ever gain. How do you get to the point where you can forgive and move on?
 
A.Nonymous said:
How do you get to the point where you can forgive and move on?
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Some people do, some people don't. The important thing is that you have to be comfortable with it. My father passed away 14 years ago and I handled the arrangements because I was named executor of his will (most likely because I was the only one speaking to him at the end.) My brothers did show up for the funeral and we laid him to rest in a plot next to his mother. We never bothered to put up a marker and no one seems to care that he will most likely be completely forgotten.

I'm okay with that.
 
A.Nonymous said:
Maybe this is prying so feel free to ignore it if it is, but how did you get to the point where you forgave him? With me it came out a little over a month ago that my dad emotionally abused me as a kid. I had no clue and honestly thought it was normal for parents to scream at and belittle their children and thought the fault was always with me for not being able to handle normal parenting. Now the larger part of me wants nothing at all to do with the guy because of what he did. The small, tiny part of me wants to forgive him because he's my dad. Every part of me wants nothing at all to do with him ever gain. How do you get to the point where you can forgive and move on?
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When you get to the point where you can put all of it behind you, and it no longer causes problems for you and affects you. Basically when you've moved on, thats when you forgive but never forget.

Life was real tough growing up, as a kid I used to be depressed, and just be frustrated all the time. When I hit 13 I started to realize that I cant live in the past anymore and take it upon myself to better my life. I forgave my dad because I dont have time to feel bad for what he put my mom and I through because I got better things to worry about now, like work, college, mom, life etc.
 
Wow, this is the most emotionally stable group of people I have ever seen! Good advice here. I have nothing to add... Everything I wanted to say was said already, and then some. Sending prayers your way :-)
 
lunatic59 said:
Some people do, some people don't. The important thing is that you have to be comfortable with it. My father passed away 14 years ago and I handled the arrangements because I was named executor of his will (most likely because I was the only one speaking to him at the end.) My brothers did show up for the funeral and we laid him to rest in a plot next to his mother. We never bothered to put up a marker and no one seems to care that he will most likely be completely forgotten.

I'm okay with that.
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Wow! our stories are eerily similar! My father basically abandoned us when I was very young leaving my mother to raise us on her own..She was young herself..early twenties (they both were)
.... I am the only one who speaks to him. I got in touch with him when I was around 19 years old.(although I too am guarded don't really trust him or his motives...as I feel that he has an agenda for everything he does .. my sister and brother want absolutely nothing to do with him and have not spoken to him or of him in over 20 years.
I got in touch with him because I needed to forgive him....for me...it doesn't mean that I condone or respect him or believe his behavior and actions were acceptable in anyway....and I made sure to tell him just that...
oh and just this year he asked me to be the executer of his estate too!!!he has no one... he is a user..and people wise up to it sooner or later I guess..
oh but here is the cherry on the cake!!..I just found out that I have a half brother that he Also abandoned!! who is 17 years younger...! He found out about my (our)dad just recently...and the only reason my Dad even told me was because he was afraid that he(brother) would look for me and find me easily on FB!
My bro and I have become pretty close although we are in different States I have gone to see him a few times. My (our) dad continues to disappoint him as well..
My bro or sister have not spoken to or met him. They hold such a bitterness . I just don't think I could live with that festering inside me it would tear me up inside...
That is why I "forgive" for lack of a better word:)
 
huh said:
oh and just this year he asked me to be the executor of his estate too!!!he has no one... he is a user..and people wise up to it sooner or later I guess..
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Just so you know, being named executor is a responsibility you have every right to decline, even if you are named as such in his will. If he's got no assets, then it will be a lot of work and it won't do anything for you.

All said and done, my dad's "estate" left me with $800. I took a big group of friends out to dinner and blew the whole thing ... and we didn't talk about him once.
 
lunatic59 said:
Just so you know, being named executor is a responsibility you have every right to decline, even if you are named as such in his will. If he's got no assets, then it will be a lot of work and it won't do anything for you.

All said and done, my dad's "estate" left me with $800. I took a big group of friends out to dinner and blew the whole thing ... and we didn't talk about him once.
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he has money.he just inherited some ..but i'm sure he won't be smart with it...ugh and I know I could have said no..but I said I would do it...mostly out of pity..even though we make our own beds to lie in...(I have a knack for massacring idioms) I can't even imagine growing older and being all alone and having no one who cares about you at all! after his will terms are dished out to the beneficiaries....he told me each of my siblings get 20% and I get 40..I told him I don't want it or need it. see what I mean? he has an agenda..for everything;)
I am sure my brother and sister will puke that right up....
here is my my plan...
I'm going to give everything...anything ...he has left ..all of it...to my half brother who unfortunately was not lucky enough to have a mother and family as great as mine:)
 
huh said:
he has money.he just inherited some ..but i'm sure he won't be smart with it...ugh and I know I could have said no..but I said I would do it...mostly out of pity..even though we make our own beds to lie in...(I have a knack for massacring idioms) I can't even imagine growing older and being all alone and having no one who cares about you at all! after his will terms are dished out to the beneficiaries....he told me each of my siblings get 20% and I get 40..I told him I don't want it or need it. see what I mean? he has an agenda..for everything;)
I am sure my brother and sister will puke that right up....
here is my my plan...
I'm going to give everything...anything ...he has left ..all of it...to my half brother who unfortunately was not lucky enough to have a mother and family as great as mine:)
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Executors can't change the terms of the will. All you can do is give you half brother your portion (and the 10% executor's commission you're entitled to.) The others will get their cut according to the terms of the will. If you anticipate friction from your siblings, then don't let your intentions be know until after the will is probated or you can bet your bottom dollar it will be contested. Estate disputes are worse than internet flame wars! ;)

EDIT: Sorry Kaiser. Didn't mean to derail your thread. If you want to continue, Huh, we should get our own thread. :)
 
huh said:
he has money.he just inherited some ..but i'm sure he won't be smart with it...ugh and I know I could have said no..but I said I would do it...mostly out of pity..even though we make our own beds to lie in...(I have a knack for massacring idioms) I can't even imagine growing older and being all alone and having no one who cares about you at all! after his will terms are dished out to the beneficiaries....he told me each of my siblings get 20% and I get 40..I told him I don't want it or need it. see what I mean? he has an agenda..for everything;)
I am sure my brother and sister will puke that right up....
here is my my plan...
I'm going to give everything...anything ...he has left ..all of it...to my half brother who unfortunately was not lucky enough to have a mother and family as great as mine:)
Click to expand...

I can't imagine growing older and having no one who cares about you either. Yet, that's the road I was headed down before all this crap came out about my dad. I was emotionally cut off from everyone in my life and it was entirely by my own choice. When this crap came out I had one and only one friend who actually asked how I was doing. Several told me they'd be supporting me, but only one actually asked how I was doing. Now I have to figure out, as an adult, how to actually connect with people without being terrified of them hurting me. If something happened to my dad tomorrow I probably would not want a single thing he left me. Ugh. Sometimes I wonder how we all survive our childhood.

See, I just derailed your derailment. Take that!!!
 
On a sidenote.. atleast we all have had our mom's in our life. I don't know what I'd do if my mom wasn't there for me.

When I have kids, i'll have no problems if my kids love their mom more than me. Most mom's never abandon their children.. A mother's love is something completely different.
 
Kaiser17 said:
On a sidenote.. atleast we all have had our mom's in our life. I don't know what I'd do if my mom wasn't there for me.

When I have kids, i'll have no problems if my kids love their mom more than me. Most mom's never abandon their children.. A mother's love is something completely different.
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I think it highlights that there's just not enough quality dads around. At least anecdotally speaking it does. We should aspire to be better fathers than our dads were.
 
A.Nonymous said:
I think it highlights that there's just not enough quality dads around. At least anecdotally speaking it does. We should aspire to be better fathers than our dads were.
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My grandfather (mother's side) and my wife's father were both excellent dads and I hope one day my son will be able to say the same thing about me.
 
Both of my grandfather's were good men. (including my Dad's father) My Mom's father and my Dad's father both stepped up to provide a solid steady male influence in our lives.Both were wonderful men who drove me to ballet class, took me fishing, taught me how to drive and helped out financially..so There ARE plenty of good men, Father's out there..But sometimes we get given a bad apple..so to speak:rolleyes: I think it was harder on my brother than me..simply because he is a boy. I could be wrong though..I'm sure I have some awesome abandonment issues rolling around somewhere:)



yeah... we def should start a BAD PARENTING TIPS thread:D
 
A.Nonymous said:
I can't imagine growing older and having no one who cares about you either. Yet, that's the road I was headed down before all this crap came out about my dad. I was emotionally cut off from everyone in my life and it was entirely by my own choice. When this crap came out I had one and only one friend who actually asked how I was doing. Several told me they'd be supporting me, but only one actually asked how I was doing. Now I have to figure out, as an adult, how to actually connect with people without being terrified of them hurting me. If something happened to my dad tomorrow I probably would not want a single thing he left me. Ugh. Sometimes I wonder how we all survive our childhood.

See, I just derailed your derailment. Take that!!!
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The fact of the matter is..you will get hurt..probably a few times..I can almost guarantee it..and it does suck to get hurt..and sometimes the fear of getting hurt is actually worse than the hurt itself...sometimes it's not...
but the way I see it...It's better to put yourself out there..and get hurt than to just.....do nothing
life is filled with pain AND happiness
it would be a shame to miss out on one,,because of the other...
I think you are starting to see that for yourself anyhow:)
 
For what it's worth. I completely understand. My Mom has passed away and my Father and I are trying to work out lot's of stuff.
 
As the song said, Pappa was a rolling stone, where ever he laid his hat was his home, and when he died, all he left us was alone! That is part my story. He left around when I was 5 yrs. old. It was a good thing I had mom, 2 sisters & 4 older brothers who stepped up and kept a strong male presence in my life.
 
huh said:
The fact of the matter is..you will get hurt..probably a few times..I can almost guarantee it..and it does suck to get hurt..and sometimes the fear of getting hurt is actually worse than the hurt itself...sometimes it's not...
but the way I see it...It's better to put yourself out there..and get hurt than to just.....do nothing
life is filled with pain AND happiness
it would be a shame to miss out on one,,because of the other...
I think you are starting to see that for yourself anyhow:)
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You're probably right. In fact, I'm almost certain you're right. Thing is I'm a guy and we guys tend to build walls when crap like this happens to us. Can't tear those walls down overnight unfortunately.

Thing is before all of this happened I never saw myself in a long term relationship. Now I can see myself w/a wife and kids in the right situation.
 
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