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Tell me a joke...
- Thread starter Daniel Fernandes
- Start date
Milo Williamson
Extreme Android User
When you suddenly understand.
That everything.. is funnier throughout time,
and connected with the comedian and jokes.
Learn to smile.
Quote them in a little bit later on.
it does happen with a smile.
Just remember to smile and laugh at whenever.
That everything.. is funnier throughout time,
and connected with the comedian and jokes.
Learn to smile.
Quote them in a little bit later on.
it does happen with a smile.
Just remember to smile and laugh at whenever.
Milo Williamson
Extreme Android User
Here is something:
I once looked at a lady and she said "Yes I would like six buffalo dipping sauces."
and I am like "Yes I will be right back, with those six buffalo sauces.."
Moments later, she also asked for a ranch too,
moments later, she asked for my name,
moments later, she asked for my chicken wing..
I am like "what.... so why would you want just the dipping sauces, since you are what, drinking them?
I knew some one who used to guzzle them down like nothing, but really, why would you want to drink them,
well here is your chicken wing..
I once looked at a lady and she said "Yes I would like six buffalo dipping sauces."
and I am like "Yes I will be right back, with those six buffalo sauces.."
Moments later, she also asked for a ranch too,
moments later, she asked for my name,
moments later, she asked for my chicken wing..
I am like "what.... so why would you want just the dipping sauces, since you are what, drinking them?
I knew some one who used to guzzle them down like nothing, but really, why would you want to drink them,
well here is your chicken wing..
HR: "So, how long were you at your last place of employment?"
Applicant: "34 years."
HR: "What??? How can that be when you're only 31 years of age?"
Applicant: "I worked a lot of overtime."
Applicant: "34 years."
HR: "What??? How can that be when you're only 31 years of age?"
Applicant: "I worked a lot of overtime."
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
A farmer has a cross-eyed cow and calls the Vet
The Vet arrives and said this an easy fix. He takes a long pipe and sticks it up the cows rear and blows. The cows eyes went straight, and the Vet says that will be $100.
A month later the cows eyes went cross-eyed again. The farmer thought, I'll say myself a $100 and do it myself. He sticks a long pipe up the cows rear and blows over and over and nothing happens. The farmer calls the Vet.
The Vet arrives and starts pulling the pipe out of the cows rear. The farmer says, what are you doing? The Vet says, you don't think I'm going to blow on the same end you did.
The Vet arrives and said this an easy fix. He takes a long pipe and sticks it up the cows rear and blows. The cows eyes went straight, and the Vet says that will be $100.
A month later the cows eyes went cross-eyed again. The farmer thought, I'll say myself a $100 and do it myself. He sticks a long pipe up the cows rear and blows over and over and nothing happens. The farmer calls the Vet.
The Vet arrives and starts pulling the pipe out of the cows rear. The farmer says, what are you doing? The Vet says, you don't think I'm going to blow on the same end you did.
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the very first time.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this father?" The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and the father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until It reached the last number and then the numbers began to light up in reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this father?" The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and the father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until It reached the last number and then the numbers began to light up in reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
SETTING: Small wood shack on a Louisiana Bayou. Marie delivers two beers to Billy Bob and Lester.
LESTER: I’m just about ready for another vacation.
BILLY BOB: Uh Huh
LESTER: Only this year I reckon I’m gonna do it a bit different.
BILLY BOB: What do you mean by that Lester?
LESTER: Well, the last few years I’ve been takin’ your advice about where to go. 3 years back you said go to Hawaii, it’s beautiful. So, I went to Hawaii, loved the surf, saw the lava…Marie got pregnant. Then 2 years ago you said the Carribean is magic, and you was right. The people were fantastic…but Marie got pregnant. Then, last year you recommended the South of France, which was glorious, especially the food…but Marie got pregnant again.
BILLY BOB: So, whatcha gonna do this year then Lester?
LESTER: This time Billy Bob, I’m gonna take Marie with me!
LESTER: I’m just about ready for another vacation.
BILLY BOB: Uh Huh
LESTER: Only this year I reckon I’m gonna do it a bit different.
BILLY BOB: What do you mean by that Lester?
LESTER: Well, the last few years I’ve been takin’ your advice about where to go. 3 years back you said go to Hawaii, it’s beautiful. So, I went to Hawaii, loved the surf, saw the lava…Marie got pregnant. Then 2 years ago you said the Carribean is magic, and you was right. The people were fantastic…but Marie got pregnant. Then, last year you recommended the South of France, which was glorious, especially the food…but Marie got pregnant again.
BILLY BOB: So, whatcha gonna do this year then Lester?
LESTER: This time Billy Bob, I’m gonna take Marie with me!
rootabaga
Android Expert
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist, and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
“I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
“Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre.
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of 10 cent coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing.
“When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.
"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist, and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
“I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
“Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre.
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of 10 cent coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing.
“When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.
"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
A photographer was hired to take photos at a lawyers association holiday party. She asked all the attorneys at the party to gather together for a group shot. When the lawyers were positioned correctly, she got behind the camera and yelled, "okay everyone, say FEES!"
Q: Why do developers prefer dark mode?
A: Because light attracts bugs
A: Because light attracts bugs
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores.
Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……
“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!”
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores.
Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……
“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!”