Gas is so high right now that our rural mail delivery lady is working from home. She called me this morning and read my bills to me.
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Tell me a joke...
- Thread starter Daniel Fernandes
- Start date
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, saying, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday next week - she has everything and besides: she can afford to buy anything she wants. So I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of incredible sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"
Adam decided to take his friend's advice.
Later the next week at the bar, his friend asked, "Well? Did you give her the certificate?"
"Yep, sure did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh, yes!" Adam said. "She jumped up, thanked me and kissed me on the forehead. Then she grabbed her purse and ran out the door, yelling, 'I'll be back in an hour!'"
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of incredible sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"
Adam decided to take his friend's advice.
Later the next week at the bar, his friend asked, "Well? Did you give her the certificate?"
"Yep, sure did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh, yes!" Adam said. "She jumped up, thanked me and kissed me on the forehead. Then she grabbed her purse and ran out the door, yelling, 'I'll be back in an hour!'"
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music in the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kidding me..."
"No, really! There's music in here... you should give it a try!"
Understandably curious, the man said, "Well, okay..." so he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by and saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked. He asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
The handcuffed man told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Well this just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music in the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kidding me..."
"No, really! There's music in here... you should give it a try!"
Understandably curious, the man said, "Well, okay..." so he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by and saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked. He asked, "What the heck happened to you?"
The handcuffed man told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Well this just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
I married a woman from Missouri who had a whole life of abuse before I met her. She'd vowed to go "Lorena Bobbitt" on the next man to abuse or hurt her. Guess who was next? Is it any wonder I've referred to her as my Darling Bride since 1990 and serve her coffee in bed every morning?
I wouldn't have it any other way, either: knowing the pain of her past and my propensity for giving, we're a great match. I wake up each morning with the privilege of romancing her. Every day. A man can love his wife every day... that's easy. However, romancing her every day is so much better. It takes more effort, but the payback is awesome.
OMG, chief! I would be sleeping with one eye open!
ONE eye? I've learned to put Lifesavers in my eyes so I can sleep with both of them open!
The old man lay on his death bed, surrounded by the comforts of his home. Long on hospice, his body, mind and heart were telling him the end was near. He was frightened by the unknown experience of departing his dying body, but was ready to slip into eternity.
Alone in the room, he suddenly became aware of the incredible aroma of warm, freshly-baked chocolate-chip cookies. He tried to focus on more important things but the aroma grew stronger until it consumed his senses. He resolved to himself that, if it was the last thing he'd do in this life, he would make his way to the source of the smell and enjoy one of those cookies.
Summoning all his remaining strength, he flung himself off the bed and pulled himself along the floor, inching his way ever closer to the kitchen. As he crawled into the warmth, the fragrance of the cookies was intoxicating. At the counter was his wife of many decades, facing away from him and humming quietly to herself. Then he saw, up on the table above him, a platter full of those incredible cookies.
He weakly reached up, with all the energy he had left in his tired body, and reached for one of the cookies. It was immediately slapped away by his wife who, standing over him with spatula in hand, scolded, "those are for the funeral!"
Alone in the room, he suddenly became aware of the incredible aroma of warm, freshly-baked chocolate-chip cookies. He tried to focus on more important things but the aroma grew stronger until it consumed his senses. He resolved to himself that, if it was the last thing he'd do in this life, he would make his way to the source of the smell and enjoy one of those cookies.
Summoning all his remaining strength, he flung himself off the bed and pulled himself along the floor, inching his way ever closer to the kitchen. As he crawled into the warmth, the fragrance of the cookies was intoxicating. At the counter was his wife of many decades, facing away from him and humming quietly to herself. Then he saw, up on the table above him, a platter full of those incredible cookies.
He weakly reached up, with all the energy he had left in his tired body, and reached for one of the cookies. It was immediately slapped away by his wife who, standing over him with spatula in hand, scolded, "those are for the funeral!"
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well, that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really
spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work, a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"'Don't I know it..." said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus..." he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"...And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep, watching?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied, "and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling... I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?!"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.
goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well, that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really
spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work, a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"'Don't I know it..." said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus..." he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"...And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep, watching?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied, "and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling... I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?!"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her shopping trips. Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to just get in and get out. Like most women, she loves to browse.
Yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from the manager of her favorite store:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and, regrettably, have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He randomly put boxes of laxatives and personal lubricant in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor, which resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't even have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a CAUTION - WET FLOOR sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the shoppers' children he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department... to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where antidepressants were sold.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack - and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
15. Took a box of condoms to checkout and asked the cashier, "where is the fitting room?"
Last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
One of the clerks passed out.
Yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from the manager of her favorite store:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and, regrettably, have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He randomly put boxes of laxatives and personal lubricant in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor, which resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't even have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a CAUTION - WET FLOOR sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the shoppers' children he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department... to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where antidepressants were sold.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack - and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
15. Took a box of condoms to checkout and asked the cashier, "where is the fitting room?"
Last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
One of the clerks passed out.
rootabaga
Android Expert
I could almost believe #5…have you priced candy lately?!?
BrickHouse
Android Expert
I could almost believe #5…have you priced candy lately?!?
Try buying a box of See's candy nowadays. You'll end up selling that broken down motorcycle t' make the down payment.
rootabaga
Android Expert
Sees has always been pricey. I’m just talking regular candy. A Snickers bar is like $1.69, and that’s not at the convenience store. And a 10oz bag of M & Ms is $7!! That’s nuts! (Well, peanuts, to be exact.)
BrickHouse
Android Expert
Yyy'up ... that's nuts all right. that same 10 oz bag was a 14 oz bag that cost a quarter back when. And that was after the price jumped.
BrickHouse
Android Expert
Before "Climate Change", we had the (oil) embargo. We just didn't have enough to supply the needs of our country. The reasons were simple. Nobody bothered to check the supply of reserves, all oil fields are in places like Alaska, Texas, California, the Gulf ... and all the "dip sticks" are in DC.