• After 15+ years, we've made a big change: Android Forums is now Early Bird Club. Learn more here.

Tell me a joke...

1720388743284.png
 
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.The guys asked, "Man, what happened to you?"

He replied, "Daryl snored so loudly, there was no way to go to sleep. I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing: hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. Again the guys exclaimed, "Dude, what the heck happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Dang, that Daryl shakes the roof! I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Dan's turn. Dan was a big, burly ex-football player: a man's man. The next morning he walked in to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Mornin', gentlemen," he smiled. They couldn't believe it!

They asked "Dan, what happened? You actually got some sleep?"

Dan answered, "I slept like a baby! After we got ready for bed last night, I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. So, he sat up watching me all night."
 
The_Chief said:
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.The guys asked, "Man, what happened to you?"

He replied, "Daryl snored so loudly, there was no way to go to sleep. I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing: hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. Again the guys exclaimed, "Dude, what the heck happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Dang, that Daryl shakes the roof! I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Dan's turn. Dan was a big, burly ex-football player: a man's man. The next morning he walked in to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Mornin', gentlemen," he smiled. They couldn't believe it!

They asked "Dan, what happened? You actually got some sleep?"

Dan answered, "I slept like a baby! After we got ready for bed last night, I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. So, he sat up watching me all night."
Click to expand...

Yeah, I still like old classics.
 
Young fella next door was telling me he was worried. He said after his wife left he felt real sad for a while but then decided to snap out of it and drained their bank account, buying a couple of purebred shepherds, a Harley bike and a case of vintage whiskey. AND he scored a hot hookup with that one blonde cashier with the great set of boobs at the corner store, too. I asked him what he was worried about. He said his wife was due home from work in an hour and he wasn't done yet...
 
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Helena, MT. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.
 
An 80-year-old Missouri farmer goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Missouri and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before daylight feeding livestock, mending fences, planting corn and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old farmer. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Missouri rancher and he's a hunter and fisherman too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's' still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'
 
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway? He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please".
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50".
 
^^^
And that one reminded me of this one…

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job wasn’t ideal, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt a little bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says “$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’
 
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer pulls over a Harley rider for speeding and asks for his name.
“Fred,” the old biker replies.
“Fred what?” the officer inquires.
“Just Fred,” the man responds.
In a good mood and thinking about letting the biker off with a warning, the officer presses, “Come on, what’s your last name?”
The old man sighs and says, “I used to have a last name, but I lost it.”
The officer, now curious and a bit amused, decides to play along. “Okay, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”
The biker leans back and begins his tale. “Well, it’s a long story. I was born Fred Johnson. Worked hard in school, got good grades, and decided to become a doctor. After years of study, I earned my degree and became Fred Johnson, MD.
“But after a while, being a doctor got dull, so I went back to school and became a dentist. Now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
“Things were fine until I started fooling around with my assistant, and she gave me VD. So then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
“The ADA found out about the VD and took away my DDS, so I was just Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.
“Then the AMA heard about it, and they took away my MD, so I was just Fred Johnson with VD.
“Finally, the VD took away my Johnson, and that’s how I became… Just Fred.”
The officer walked away, laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes.
 
The old man lay in the hospital bed as the nurse came in to check on the IV and get his vital signs. He had an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth.

As she did her work, she heard him ask, "are my testicles black?"

Surprised but unsure of his medical history, she reached down, lifted his gown and carefully inspected the goods. After repositioning his gown, she reassured the old man that everything looked as it should.

He pulled off his mask and replied, "thank you and that was quite pleasant... but are my TEST RESULTS BACK?"
 
Last edited:
One winter morning during breakfast a husband and his blonde wife in Northern Minnesota were listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So, the good wife went out and moved her car to the correct side of the street.

A week later, they were again eating breakfast when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again to the correct side of the street.

The next week they were once again having breakfast when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." and at that moment the power went out.

The blonde wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she asked, "Honey, I don't know what to do! Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through???"

With all the love, patience and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes develop, her husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
 
A woman was on a flight from Melbourne to Brisbane when, unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney. The flight attendant informed passengers that there would be a delay and that anyone who wanted to disembark could do so, with re-boarding set for 50 minutes later.
Everyone got off the plane, except for one blind woman. A man passing by had noticed her earlier, recognizing that she was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog had been resting quietly under the seat in front of her throughout the flight. It was clear she had taken this route before, as the pilot approached her and, calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we're in Sydney for nearly an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Kathy replied, "No thanks, but maybe Max would like to stretch his legs."
Now, picture this: everyone in the gate area froze in their tracks when they saw the pilot, wearing sunglasses, walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog by his side. Panic ensued. People weren’t just trying to switch planes—they were trying to switch airlines!
True story...
1727830585440-jpeg.613132
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom