BrickHouse
Android Expert
Readers digest version of an oldie. Still just as good
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Tell me a joke...
- Thread starter Daniel Fernandes
- Start date
Readers digest version of an oldie. Still just as good
And Englishman and an Irishman are walking down the street. The Englishman slips into a baker's shop and emerges with 3 buns in his pockets. "I slipped these off the shelf and into my pockets without anyone noticing", he says. "That took craft and guile."
"That's just common thievery", the Irishman says. "Come with me and I'll show you how to get free buns legally."
So the Irishman goes into the bakery, followed by the Englishman. He goes up to the baker and says "Do you want to see a magic trick?"
"Sure" says the baker. "OK", the Irishman says, "give me a bun."
The baker gives the Irishman a bun, which he eats. Then he asks for a second one and eats it. Then he asks for a third one and eats that too.
"OK" says the baker, "so where's the trick?".
The Irishman points to the Englishman and says "Look in his pockets..."
"That's just common thievery", the Irishman says. "Come with me and I'll show you how to get free buns legally."
So the Irishman goes into the bakery, followed by the Englishman. He goes up to the baker and says "Do you want to see a magic trick?"
"Sure" says the baker. "OK", the Irishman says, "give me a bun."
The baker gives the Irishman a bun, which he eats. Then he asks for a second one and eats it. Then he asks for a third one and eats that too.
"OK" says the baker, "so where's the trick?".
The Irishman points to the Englishman and says "Look in his pockets..."
A guy was driving around the back woods of the Missouri Ozarks and saw a sign in front of a broken-down house:
Talking Dog For Sale
He rang the bell and the owner appeared. The owner told the man the dog was in the backyard and led him around the house. They went into the backyard and the guy saw a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"Do you talk?' he asked the dog.
"Yep," the Lab replied.
The guy reeled from the shock of hearing a dog talk, then asked: "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looked up and said, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. The CIA soon acquired me and, in no time at all,
they had me flying around from country to country, just sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one would suspect a dog would be listening to every word. I was one of their most valuable assets for eight years... but the constant travel and jet lag really started tiring me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so they retired me and I decided to settle down. I helped at the airport, doing some part-time undercover security... sitting near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible smuggling deals and was awarded a bunch of medals. But I found a nice lady, had a litter of puppies or two, and now I'm just happily retired."
The guy was astonished! He walked back around the house with the owner and asked what he wanted for such an incredible dog.
"Ten dollars," the owner replied.
"Ten dollars??? That's it? That dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
The owner looked at him. "Because the dog's a dirty liar. He never did any of that crap."
Talking Dog For Sale
He rang the bell and the owner appeared. The owner told the man the dog was in the backyard and led him around the house. They went into the backyard and the guy saw a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"Do you talk?' he asked the dog.
"Yep," the Lab replied.
The guy reeled from the shock of hearing a dog talk, then asked: "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looked up and said, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. The CIA soon acquired me and, in no time at all,
they had me flying around from country to country, just sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one would suspect a dog would be listening to every word. I was one of their most valuable assets for eight years... but the constant travel and jet lag really started tiring me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so they retired me and I decided to settle down. I helped at the airport, doing some part-time undercover security... sitting near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible smuggling deals and was awarded a bunch of medals. But I found a nice lady, had a litter of puppies or two, and now I'm just happily retired."
The guy was astonished! He walked back around the house with the owner and asked what he wanted for such an incredible dog.
"Ten dollars," the owner replied.
"Ten dollars??? That's it? That dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
The owner looked at him. "Because the dog's a dirty liar. He never did any of that crap."
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A Customer’s Letter to Tide:
"I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another... and somehow, I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.
I grabbed my bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative. To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative - then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect. I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, I gotta go now. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people!"
"I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another... and somehow, I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.
I grabbed my bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative. To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative - then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect. I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, I gotta go now. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people!"
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman". She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $100?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?!" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $100.00 and handed it to her along with a $20.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $100?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?!" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $100.00 and handed it to her along with a $20.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
BrickHouse
Android Expert
Different punch line, same story. First heard this one when I was knee high to a grasshopper.
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?A: She can't find the eleven.
Why was the Blonde starring at the can of frozen orange juice> It said concentrate
As I knelt down with a pair of size four shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt,
I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:
"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work
here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"
"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." I said sternly.
"I don't even work here"
I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:
"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work
here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"
"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." I said sternly.
"I don't even work here"
That's awesome!
BrickHouse
Android Expert
15 blondes standing shoulder to shoulder ........... What do you have?
A wind tunnel.
A wind tunnel.
Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his ass.
"If you don't mind my saying," said the second man, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't," lamented the first man, "it's permanent."
"I don't understand," said the other man.
The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge guy in a turban came out in a cloud of smoke. He said, 'I am Hasan the Genie, and I can grant you one wish.'"
"And stupid me said, NO SHIT!"
"If you don't mind my saying," said the second man, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't," lamented the first man, "it's permanent."
"I don't understand," said the other man.
The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge guy in a turban came out in a cloud of smoke. He said, 'I am Hasan the Genie, and I can grant you one wish.'"
"And stupid me said, NO SHIT!"
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A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!"
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!"
The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem ****** off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh ****” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem ****** off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh ****” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
During its heyday, the factory making Tickle Me Elmo dolls couldn’t produce them fast enough to meet demand. This was largely due to the misunderstanding of one employee.
A young lady had been hired for the Quality Assurance position, her job being to ensure each doll operated as intended. Rather than giggling or laughing when squeezed, the original Elmo doll would laugh when tickled on the stomach, feet or under the arms.
However, a backlog quickly grew at the QA station. Elmo dolls were so backed up awaiting packaging that the supervisor grew furious. He stormed into the personnel manager’s office, asking who he’d hired for such a seemingly simple task.
Shocked to hear of how few Elmo dolls were actually getting to packaging and shipping, and how slowly things were moving, the personnel manager and supervisor walked to the end of the production line to find a mountain of Elmos surrounding a very busy lady.
They noticed a large roll of bright red felt and a large barrel of glass marbles. She would cut out a piece of fabric, wrap it around two marbles, and then carefully sew it between each doll’s legs.
The two men immediately burst into uncontrollable laughter. She asked what the commotion was about, as she was only doing what she’d been told.
Wiping away his tears, the supervisor replied, “I’m afraid you misunderstood my instructions – I simply asked you to give each doll ‘two test tickles’!”
A young lady had been hired for the Quality Assurance position, her job being to ensure each doll operated as intended. Rather than giggling or laughing when squeezed, the original Elmo doll would laugh when tickled on the stomach, feet or under the arms.
However, a backlog quickly grew at the QA station. Elmo dolls were so backed up awaiting packaging that the supervisor grew furious. He stormed into the personnel manager’s office, asking who he’d hired for such a seemingly simple task.
Shocked to hear of how few Elmo dolls were actually getting to packaging and shipping, and how slowly things were moving, the personnel manager and supervisor walked to the end of the production line to find a mountain of Elmos surrounding a very busy lady.
They noticed a large roll of bright red felt and a large barrel of glass marbles. She would cut out a piece of fabric, wrap it around two marbles, and then carefully sew it between each doll’s legs.
The two men immediately burst into uncontrollable laughter. She asked what the commotion was about, as she was only doing what she’d been told.
Wiping away his tears, the supervisor replied, “I’m afraid you misunderstood my instructions – I simply asked you to give each doll ‘two test tickles’!”
A man computed his 2023 income taxes and discovered that he owed $3,407. He sent his payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 2023 Tax Return & payment. Please note the attached article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will read that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers; and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Kindly note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as indicated on my return. Might I suggest you send the above-mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw (see attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a single 1.5 inch Phillips Head screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A satisfied taxpayer
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 2023 Tax Return & payment. Please note the attached article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will read that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers; and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Kindly note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as indicated on my return. Might I suggest you send the above-mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw (see attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a single 1.5 inch Phillips Head screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A satisfied taxpayer
A very elderly couple was having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can't possibly take all that away. But, I must know: did he have a different father?"
The wife lowered her head, unable to look her husband in the eye,. She paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes, he did."
The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye, he asked, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
The old woman, her head still lowered, said nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she replied, "You."
The wife lowered her head, unable to look her husband in the eye,. She paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes, he did."
The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye, he asked, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
The old woman, her head still lowered, said nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she replied, "You."
NSFW
Guido, The Italian Lover
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he banged her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly with screams of passion.
The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly replied, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed but they
ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping... and barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he banged her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly with screams of passion.
The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly replied, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed but they
ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping... and barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."
