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Tell me a joke...

@rootabaga
Yeh, will do. I thought some had corrected themselves or your site did something to help the problem, but I never got around to trying again. I also guess I was hoping they would be deleted. I'm on a pc now and will find them shortly.

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Done.
 
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Murphy had studied the facts carefully and had come up with the following conclusions.



The odds against being on a plane which had a bomb on board were 10,000 to 1.



However, the odds against being on a plane which had two bombs on board were 10,000,000 to 1.



'That settles it,' he said. 'From now on, every time I fly I'm taking a bomb with me!'



--------
OK. 'nuff jokes from the old homeland. couldn't find good ones anyhoo :p
 
A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
“You missed the f— putt, didn’t you?”
 
Husbands for Sale
Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, Have a Strong Romantic Streak and a Good Sense of Humor.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor:
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited...
 
Heard on the radio :

My girlfriend kept leaving messages saying I should stop singing and humming along to songs from the Monkeys, or it might be over between us.

'They're too dated and you're not that old', she said.

I thought she was pulling my leg. What's wrong with humming any song you like.

I got to see her this weekend. I told her that was funny for sure. That she would end it because of the Monkeys. I turned around, laughing.....

.... but then I saw her face.....
 
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Afternoon Delight
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.
 
A bit risque' so if a mod would like to put a spoiler tag on it I sure wouldn't mind (I don't know how)

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT O'HONEY, so he took MARY JANE behind
the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her
MOUNDS. It was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out a
SNICKER as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICYFRUIT and caused a MILKY WAY.
She screamed "OH HENRY!" as she squeezed his PETER PAUL and ZAGNUTS. MARY
JANE said, "You are even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS." Soon she was a
bit CHUNKY and nine months later had a BABY RUTH.
 
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There was an old married couple that had happily lived together
for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by
the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The
noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to
water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would
plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the
couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be
done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a
natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to
wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing
natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his
guts out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued
to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas
morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast.
She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and, of course, a
turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to
the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish
grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked
upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still
soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her
husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her
husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back
downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she
heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon
followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as
her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself
and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After
years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty
minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants
with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and
she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all
those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of
these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these
two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
 
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman get twisted at the local pub one night and conspire to rob the local bank. Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place but are too drunk to pull it off. As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down the alley. Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to the alarm. As the three drunks round a bend, they spot a Cats and Dogs Home and jump over the fence into the kennel yard. They see three burlap sacks lying on the ground and they each crawl into an empty bag. The cops leap over the fence behind them and spot the three bulging sacks on the ground. One cop kicks the first sack and the Englishman says, "Bark! Bark!" "Ah, must be a dog!" says the cop and he kicks the second sack. The Scotsman says, "Meow!" and the cop nods his head, exclaiming, "Must be cats!" and turns his focus on the last sack, kicking it sharply. The Irishman cries out, "Potatoes!"
 
Pass the beans please!!
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy
and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought
to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this
carrying on." So, she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she
lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be
late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and
the aroma of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any
ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and
before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All
the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably
sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I
have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to
her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to
remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise
not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the
phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she
seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was
not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk
in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around
her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more,
which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears tuned to the
conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten
minutes.
When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air
a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands
upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence
when her husband returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured
him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was
surprised!!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy
Birthday!!
 
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him.

He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him.

Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away.
A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
 
Speaking of religious golf (I swore I already posted this, but can't find it so here goes again) ....


Jesus and Moses were out on the golf course when they came to a particularly tricky hole. Moses was able to hit across a small pond and onto the green, but Jesus' ball landed right in front of the water hazard with the green directly on the other side.

As they stood there examining the shot, Jesus turned to Moses and pondered "I wonder how Arnold Palmer would have attempted this shot?"

"Arnold Palmer would have probably used a 9 iron" replied Moses, "But you should probably use a 7 iron."

"Hand me the 9 iron" commanded Jesus.

Jesus swung the 9 iron and hit the ball squarely into the middle of the pond. Jesus stood there for a second and then said to Moses, "I'd like to try that shot again, would you mind getting my ball?"

Moses walked to the edge of the water, raised his arms and the pond parted, revealing Jesus' ball at the bottom. Moses took the ball and placed at at Jesus' feet and said "7 iron."

Jesus once again picked up the 9 iron, swung the club and again hit his ball into the water. And again He asked Moses to retrieve it.

"Are going to use the 7 iron this time?" Moses asked.

"Never mind," Jesus replied, "I'll get it myself."

Jesus walked down to the water's edge and then stepped out on the surface of the pond to search for his golf ball. In the mean time the next group of golfers come up behind Moses and see Jesus out on the pond.

"Look at that guy out there walking on water" cried out one of the golfers. "Who does he think he is? Jesus?"

Moses turned to the man and replied, "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
 
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," his friend replied, "and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000." "Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." His friend continued. "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," concluded, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
 
A bit naughty
Paybacks Are a Bitch
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk
pulling a wagon and dragging a flattened frog on a string behind it, when he
comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute..
He knocked on the door, and the madam came to answer it, saw him and asked
what he wanted. He said he wanted what she was selling inside, and had the
money to buy it, and wasn't leaving until he got it..
She thought she would have some fun with him, so she told him to come in.
Once he got in, she told him to pick one of the girls he liked; he asked her
if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no. He
had heard all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and
get shots after making love with Mable, and that was the girl he wanted, and
that he had the money to pay for it..
The madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So
he headed down the hall dragging the frog behind him. Ten minutes later he
came back down still dragging the frog. He paid the madam, and picked up his
wagon and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked
him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease,
instead of one of the others..
He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my mother and
father are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
babysitter. When they leave, I am going to make love to the babysitter, and
give her the disease I just caught. When mom and dad get home, dad will take
the babysitter home, and on the way, he will make love to her, and he will
catch it. When dad gets home, he and mom will go to bed, and they will make
love, and mom will catch it.
In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and
he will make love to mom, and he will catch it, and he is the son-of-a-bitch
that ran over my FROG...
 
There's this guy in a bar that's saying he knows everybody, and will bet
anybody on it. So this guy walks up and says, "I bet you don't know Burt
Rynolds." He says come on, they hop a plane to Florida, show up at
Burt's door and Burt says, "Hi Bubba, how have you been? Come on in!"

On the flight back home the guy says, "I'll bet you another $100 you
don't know Bill Clinton." So they catch a flight to D.C. Sure enough
the walk into the oval office and Bill says "Hi Bubba, what are you
doing here? It's real nice to see you again!"

On the flight back home he says to Bubba,"I'll bet you double or
nothing you don't know the Pope." Bubba says "Look I don't really
want to take your money, me and the Pope go back a long way.
Really, pick somebody else." Figuring he's got Bubba on this
one, he insists, so they board a plane for Rome.

When they get to Vatican City, Bubba tells the guy, "Look, they aren't
going to let you in here with me. Stand right here and in 10 minutes I'll
be on that balcony with the Pope." After a little squabble he agrees.
Sure enough 10 mins. later there's Bubba on the balcony with the Pope.

Bubba looks down to see the guy passed out on the ground. He runs down
to see what's wrong and the guy says, "OK, you know Burt Rynolds, you know
the President, but when the guy behind me said, 'Hey, who's that guy up
there with Bubba' I passed out!"
 
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