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The Birds and the Bees.

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So I have this friend, we are in no way romantically involved, just friends with benefits. She has a 12 year old boy. He is a cool kid I watch him sometimes for her. She has asked me to have the sex talk with him, I told her I would think about it for the time being.

My friends basically said to just not do it for stupid reasons. I find it kinda inappropriate as he is not my kid, and I am not pursuing a role as a father figure in his life, and considering the relationship I have with his mom... I really don't want to mislead him either as someone that would be good to come to for help with these things. Opinions?
 
I'm of the opinion that serious "sex talk" should only take place between good friends. If the kid considers you a good friend, then the three of you should have a chat about that stuff some time.
 
Frisco said:
I'm of the opinion that serious "sex talk" should only take place between good friends. If the kid considers you a good friend, then the three of you should have a chat about that stuff some time.
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I have played some backyard hockey and football with him.. and some video games.. but other then that I feel we are just good acquaintances. I really dont know what would constitutes "good friends" with a kid tho. I would never call him and ask him if he wanted to do something.
 
VegasOnAcid said:
I have played some backyard hockey and football with him.. and some video games.. but other then that I feel we are just good acquaintances. I really dont know what would constitutes "good friends" with a kid tho. I would never call him and ask him if he wanted to do something.
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The thing with kids, they see 'friends' differently than how we percieve it. They make friends very quickly. If they are comfortable around you, and want to see you again, then they consider you as a friend.

Our family friend's 5 year old daughter would definitely see me as a 'friend' even though I only see her a couple of times a year. Every time she goes home, she gets sad and 'ask' her mom, 'can we take Roze home with us this time'. I think last time, she asked her mom to adopt me, lol. When they are home, she would bring me up on a regular basis for the next couple of days and she would bug her mom to set up a play date with me.

So a question to ask yourself. Does the kid get happy when you're over? Like he'll run to you telling you he did this and that in class? Does he tell his mom he wants to spend some 'guy' times with you playing bball or what not.

Also, are YOU comfortable talking to him about this? It seems you see that this is something a father does. His the kid's father not a part of his life anymore?

And seriously...the kid is 12, he most likely knows about the birds and the bees. I have volunteered at after school programs and the kids ranging from 8-13 knew more stuff than I did tbh.
 
Roze said:
The thing with kids, they see 'friends' differently than how we percieve it. They make friends very quickly. If they are comfortable around you, and want to see you again, then they consider you as a friend.

Our family friend's 5 year old daughter would definitely see me as a 'friend' even though I only see her a couple of times a year. Every time she goes home, she gets sad and 'ask' her mom, 'can we take Roze home with us this time'. I think last time, she asked her mom to adopt me, lol. When they are home, she would bring me up on a regular basis for the next couple of days and she would bug her mom to set up a play date with me.

So a question to ask yourself. Does the kid get happy when you're over? Like he'll run to you telling you he did this and that in class? Does he tell his mom he wants to spend some 'guy' times with you playing bball or what not.

Also, are YOU comfortable talking to him about this? It seems you see that this is something a father does. His the kid's father not a part of his life anymore?

And seriously...the kid is 12, he most likely knows about the birds and the bees. I have volunteered at after school programs and the kids ranging from 8-13 knew more stuff than I did tbh.
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He is a quite kid, but he has texted me before at random times, so i guess he would consider me a friend. Dad is 100% out of the picture.

I would not mind talking to him.. but it seems super hypocritical considering the relationship I have with his mom... :o


What do you even say these days, we are way beyond the "wait till your married" speech right?
 
I would not mind talking to him.. but it seems super hypocritical considering the relationship I have with his mom... :o
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What do you even say these days, we are way beyond the "wait till your married" speech right?[/QUOTE]
^--saying THAT would be very hypocritical. :P

You can start by asking if there's a girl he likes...lol
 
I hate to be the stick in the mud here, but I'd like to give my opinion. I am an experienced older father and have had "the talks."

There is more at stake here than just "the talk." At this point, you are not the boy's father. I am questioning the maternal/protection instinct of a mother who would ask for this from you, considering the fact that you may be out of the boys life. Your commitment level, in your relationship as I understand it, is not at the point that would presume that you are becoming a family, as yet.

Having men come in and out of the life of a young boy and "speak into" his life without a deep level of commitment is a huge mistake, imo, as it sends a message to the boy, which might be confusing.

Suffice it to say, at this point, if the mother really wants to have "the talk" with the boy, I would have to ask, what is it she wants to impart along with the talk? What sense of morality does she want the boy to come away with. The sex talk is more than just the talk, it's how men understand and appreciate women and vice-versa. If it were a simple matter of "this goes here" then he can get that off of the bathroom wall.

I would say that the mother herself should speak to him or a close uncle. You aren't that figure yet. Nor should you be made to put up to this.

You were right to ask here, because perhaps it didn't "feel" right, otherwise you probably wouldn't have asked. A father doesn't ask online for opinions as to whether or not he should speak to his son. I didn't.

I spoke to my son because it was an outgrowth of our already close relationship as father and son. You don't have that and shouldn't be forced into it. Neither should the boy be forced into seeing you as a father image, until it is right to do so.

The more I think of this, the more I'm questioning the mother's motives. Pardon my skepticism, but it seems somewhat manipulative to put you into that place, before you both are ready for long-term commitment (marriage), as well as your willingness to become the boy's step-father figure. I'd respectfully pass.
 
I agree with steve. Whether youNre a Bible believer or not, or read parenting books, either way says that this sort of responsibility falls on the parents. It's no one elses responsibility.
 
trav2001 said:
I agree with steve. Whether youNre a Bible believer or not, or read parenting books, either way says that this sort of responsibility falls on the parents. It's no one elses responsibility.
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I agree with both of you really. I think one of the big reasons he and I have a small bond is because there is no awkward "I am trying to take your dads place" or "I need your approval" feelings that he is probably pretty used to. Then if I actually did step in and have the talk with zero intention of this being long term, that would be frustrating and confusing for him.

Was actually talking with my best friend about it again at dinner and we both came to the conclusion that she (kid's mom) pretty much messed up our whole arrangement with this "favor" she has asked of me. :(


Thanks for the input tho guys. :cool:
 
Gotta agree, this isn't really your place, his mom should have The Talk with him. Me and my brother were raised by a single mom (divorced, dad moved out of state), and while I'm sure it was uncomfortable for her, she had The Talk with us. This is something she really needs to do on her own.
 
I am a firm believer of go with your gut. If something seems fishy then keep your guard up.

With that said, I also agree with someone else.. odds are he already knows more than you would think.

Children have a natural tendency to want to learn..

I would go with my gut all the way.

However, if for some reason you do decide to have the conversation with him.. I would recommend coming at it from a friends approach.

I think a lot of parents out there would kill me for saying this. but, if someone is determined enough they are gunna find a way to do whatever they want to do, all you can really do is make sure they don't complicate an already bad situation.

My parents were lucky out of 3 kids 2 of them gave almost 0 problems.

However, the youngest is one to worry about. It actually bugs me some of the behavior he has exhibited and my parents just sorta take it with a grain of satl....
 
Being 23 almost 24 I never had the talk with anyone.... so to me it really isn't important im doin alright with out it. Now given i will probably tell my daughter (like i do already) that no one is supposed to touch her EVER :)

As for what everyone else has input, i agree that if someone does have the talk with the boy then it should be someone that is going to be around. it is going to be awekward for him and you but its a starting point and will probably get better with time if he has any questions and what not.
 
VegasOnAcid said:
I agree with both of you really. I think one of the big reasons he and I have a small bond is because there is no awkward "I am trying to take your dads place" or "I need your approval" feelings that he is probably pretty used to. Then if I actually did step in and have the talk with zero intention of this being long term, that would be frustrating and confusing for him. Was actually talking with my best friend about it again at dinner and we both came to the conclusion that she (kid's mom) pretty much messed up our whole arrangement with this "favor" she has asked of me. :(Thanks for the input tho guys. :cool:
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Bingo. Exactly!
 
i never had this talk with my father....I guess I must have missed out on something lol

Vegas, good luck with this one. looks like you should probably stay away from this talk.
 
nyydynasty said:
i never had this talk with my father....I guess I must have missed out on something lol

Vegas, good luck with this one. looks like you should probably stay away from this talk.
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And her from here on out too. :(
 
You know something else I was thinking was the fact that as human beings we get so used to wanting to pass the responsibility to someone else. No matter what the situation is we try to pass it off. In this day and age it just seems to be the trend. If this was 50/60 years ago the parents would have taken care of it no questions asked.

But as this current system goes on and the parents don't train their children about life, the less they know, and when they have kids, because they didn't get the proper training, they also lack the needed ability to train their children. I'm not saying this is the case with every parent or situation; of course there are always the exceptions. But in general I'd say this is the consensus. At least from the people I talk to on a daily basis.

Anyway just throwing that thought out there.
 
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