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A nephew who really needs some discipline

AndroidSPCS

AndroidSPCS

Android Expert
I have a 9 year old nephew who is really out of control. He screams at his parents, disrespects his parents and other people. He calls me and my wife by our first names, instead of "uncle / auntie". When he was over at our house, he intentionally slammed the piano cover hard up and down, and then threw our artificial house plant to the ground, blaming it on my 7 year old daughter.

It took everything I could muster to control myself. I am shocked at how his parents allow him to disprespect them by calling them by their first names, not "mom / dad". When he walked into my house, he kept his shoes one even though the rest of us had our shoes off, and he called me by my first name. I was bewildered.

I consider myself a pretty patient parent, but when I see crap like this, I was raging inside. The kid has no manners, no discipline, and no respect. I want my daughter to have very little to do with him, as I fear his disrespect will spread to my daughter.

My wife told me (that his parents asked) I better hide my iPad 2, because he is DEMANDING his parents give him an iPad 2 for his birthday. My wife said if he sees my iPad 2, he is going to scream at his parents for not buying that for him. I said to my wife "what ever happened to the word "NO" to their child???" rather than tell the kid a "firm NO" they'd rather I hide my iPad 2 in my house???

When my wife went to a few places with the nephew, the 9 year old tried to sit in the passenger seat in the front, and force his mom to sit in the back!!!! My wife firmly told him to get in the back seat or they weren't going any where. After a ton of screaming and yelling, he finally yielded the front seat for his mom, so my wife could drive them somewhere!!! I wasn't there, but I would have yanked the kid out of our car and sat him down for a while!!

You guys / gals ever face something like this? These are relatives of my wife, so I don't really want to mess up her relationship with them, but the kid's behavior, and upbringing is totally unacceptable to me. :mad:
 
Vinsanity93 said:
There's always the spoon, flip flop, belt, etc...
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Screw that. Kids like that deserve the back of the hand. God put it at the end of your arm for a reason. This hand was made for swinging.

Honestly though, it's not the kid's fault. It's the parents fault. The kid has no idea that he's being disrespectful or if he does he doesn't care because in his world being disrespectful and surly has no negative consequences. To him screaming and throwing a fit is what gets him what he wants in life. Why should he be courteous or respectful? It's the parents who really need the back of the hand.

I can understand not wanting to get directly involved since it's not your brother or sister's kid, but if the kid is in your house, then I think you have every right to impose certain rules. The kid may think that you're the mean guy in the family, but at least you won't be disrespected in your own house.
 
Is your wife in agreement with how you feel? If she is (and I can't see how any sane parent wouldn't be) then that's half the battle right there. I'd limit the time spent with these people to the bare minimum and only for necessary family functions. If your wife feels the same but can't limit the contact then a discussion with the child's parents may be in order - he may be able to act like that at home but if they are in your house then common courtesy is to abide by the way you do things in your house - such as using 'Aunt/Uncle', taking shoes off, and respecting property. The child sounds like a little monster and the parents not much better for allowing it.
 
look at the crap on tv that encourages disrespect simpsons southpark married with children malcomn in the middle etc... then you add the ammunition of telling some child "if your dad hits you call CPS!" so now parents are afraid to discilpine children and CPS seems to do the wrong thing all the time. [i know they are slammed! im not knocking them just stating what i have seen] i saw a child get 1 swat for something, 2 days later CPS is showing up and giving $1000 ticket and make parent go to parent class at parent's cost. also being a teacher i had to call CPS 42 times before something was done. there is a great need for foster parents. they only have about 38% of what is truly needed, and then some of those folks are asshats too! so it is a hard problem. my advice to you is tell the child your expectations, if they do not comply, then give consequences. do not back down from what you said was going to happen, if he deserved a spanking then give it to him. dont say well next time johnny. u just opened the floodgate! I think kids use CPS to get their own way. some of the parents i work with are afraid of their 7-8 year old kids because the kids threaten to call CPS. seen this first hand at the swapmeet. i have had parent call and tell me to tell their children to go to schoo.l if you cant manage them at 8 what do you think happens at 13, the kids suddenly get manners? sometimes the hand of discipline needs to meet the seat of knowledge!! i am not endorsing a beating, but when the child is young establish dominance or the children will establish theirs! sorry for the rant this is a very real subject to me
 
That family would be told to leave and not return. As for CPS - we had a issue with a neighbor's kid. I simply told the school that I had documented the kid's behavior, and I wasn't going to complain to the school. I was going to call the police and press charges if I could. Little bugger was proved to be homicidal later in life.
 
Basically, you'll have to level with them and tell them that their kid is disrespectful and is not welcome in your house anymore until he starts to act right. No doubt this will upset the parents, but something needs to be done and sacrificing your family and dealing with it is not the fix. Who knows, maybe mentioning it will wake them up and they can look at what is going on more closely. I wouldn't put up with it.
 
Everyone so far has made great and valid points.

I differ with some, I think it's not what the kid sees that influences him. My parents let me watch or play whatever I wanted, they just limited nudity. I considered myself and was told frequently that I always was very respectful. Sadly, in my opinion the failing is on the parents part.

The one thing I see from you post that I don't understand how it's disrespectful is the not calling people auntie/uncle/mom/dad. That's definitely something the parents taught the kid. I just don't see how it's disrespectful if it's allowed by them, it's their choice to let him do that. That might be an age thing between us or a geographic thing.

My niece went though a phase when she was 6-7 were she was just a little blonde bitch. She was nasty to everyone and in general one very long tantrum. Her parents tossed it up to their divorce from when she was 3 finally hitting her and thought she'd grow out of it. So I went along with the breaking stuff (my sister had to replace my cell at one point when the brat threw it), screaming, and all that crap. It was a pain especially because I watched her a lot and both her parents kept telling me she'd grow out of it, a book told them so.

Until the day she pushed her friend's autistic brother (who is quite possibly the nicest kid ever) for not knowing how to play a game. She got a 30 minute time out with a 5 minute addition for getting up/talking/screaming. I did allow crying since it was the first time she was punished. She finally got the point when she hit and hour and 15 minutes and she would have to eat dinner in the corner. Of course I was made out to be the villan when her mom got home, but she approved it when she found out what happened.

From then on I enacted a rule set for when I was around. I told her that I spent time with her voluntarily and it wasn't any fun I wouldn't do it. I did leave my birthday dinner early because she was acting like a brat. If I had to watch her I would make sure we didn't do anything fun. I am the uncle that is always up for mini golf or the arcade. It took a while, but it gradually sunk in that being a dick didn't accomplish anything and then other people would ask why she was mean to them and not me. Now she's a really good kid. I don't know if she grew out if it or if that helped any, who knows.

Dealing with asshole kids can be worse than punk ass teenagers though.
 
if my child acted that way.. when I was not around.. I hope others will tell me.

i remember this one time with my child .. when she was 4... i was getting ice cream for her and my other nieces and nephews... she wanted a particular bowl.. which i had already given to one of the nieces. because it looked like it had more.

she started to throw a tantrum.... i counted to 5.. she did not stop.
i threw away her ice cream.. and she had to sit there and watch the rest of us enjoy the treat. she stopped crying and asked for her share. told her that hers was thrown in the sink. and i was not going to give you more.

she cried.. she was sad... she was mad.. she pouted... i felt soo damn bad! my bro and sis and parents felt so damn bad. they tried to ask me to give her some ice cream... but NO.

but she never threw another tantrum again!... she knows.. i dont take that shit.

... .. ... next day i took her out for an ice cream sunday. just the 2 of us.
 
+ 1 to Dan

Yes, it made you the bad guy for a minute but it also made her aware you were NOT kidding.
 
i do agree.. it is mostly the parents fault if they kid is spoiled / bratty.

my sis.. her daughters... only act up.. when she is there! whine and demand stuff. fight with each other. when they are with my parents or me... they listen.


note: they are not near as bad as the OP's example.
 
This sounds bad, sad, and more ... worse for the child, unpleasant though he may make it for those around him.

I'd consider focusing on things I have control over, like rules in my home. I might start with just a few. I'd sketch consequences appropriate to infractions. This eventually has to be a collaborative exercise -- with wife first, then in-laws.

I don't think you need to worry too much about your daughter coming under her cousin's influence for a couple of reasons. At 7, she is who she is to an extent. And ... it worked well for me to hold my daughter accountable for her choices. I didn't encourage deflection of responsibility to external sources. From what you write, I think you may be similarly inclined.
 
Take what is precious away from him.
He is an attention seeker
keep him alone for 8 hours in one room without any contact with the world.
The problem is some kids blackmail their parents with strong stuff like suicide .
Thats the way they get away with tantrums.
I knew a kid who suffered fits
He used to pretend fits whenever something he disagreed happened.
 
Are you 100% positive that he doesn't have a medical condition? I remember seeing a documentary about a boy who had serious anger management issues. I forgot what the medical term was called but it was an actual medical condition dealing with the part of the brain that controlled emotions (forgot the name). His parents always kept him in the home because it was almost impossible to get him to calm down once he went into a tantrum fit and they would talk about how they would be told by others to control their child and as a result... label them as "bad parents".

I'm not saying he has that condition.
 
dan330 said:
yes.. sure there can be a medical issue.


99% of the time.. it aint medical
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I don't care if there's a medical issue or not if the situation warrants it.
The brat I complained about had an air rifle and was shooting dirt clods with nails in them at his sister and my daughter. If he's that dangerous, he needs to be under constant supervision, not let loose until medication or therapy has been proven to be effective.
 
AndroidSPCS said:
I have a 9 year old nephew who is really out of control. He screams at his parents, disrespects his parents and other people. He calls me and my wife by our first names, instead of "uncle / auntie". When he was over at our house, he intentionally slammed the piano cover hard up and down, and then threw our artificial house plant to the ground, blaming it on my 7 year old daughter.

It took everything I could muster to control myself. I am shocked at how his parents allow him to disprespect them by calling them by their first names, not "mom / dad". When he walked into my house, he kept his shoes one even though the rest of us had our shoes off, and he called me by my first name. I was bewildered.

I consider myself a pretty patient parent, but when I see crap like this, I was raging inside. The kid has no manners, no discipline, and no respect. I want my daughter to have very little to do with him, as I fear his disrespect will spread to my daughter.

My wife told me (that his parents asked) I better hide my iPad 2, because he is DEMANDING his parents give him an iPad 2 for his birthday. My wife said if he sees my iPad 2, he is going to scream at his parents for not buying that for him. I said to my wife "what ever happened to the word "NO" to their child???" rather than tell the kid a "firm NO" they'd rather I hide my iPad 2 in my house???

When my wife went to a few places with the nephew, the 9 year old tried to sit in the passenger seat in the front, and force his mom to sit in the back!!!! My wife firmly told him to get in the back seat or they weren't going any where. After a ton of screaming and yelling, he finally yielded the front seat for his mom, so my wife could drive them somewhere!!! I wasn't there, but I would have yanked the kid out of our car and sat him down for a while!!

You guys / gals ever face something like this? These are relatives of my wife, so I don't really want to mess up her relationship with them, but the kid's behavior, and upbringing is totally unacceptable to me. :mad:
Click to expand...

He needs a good old fashion ass whippin' and his parents need "parenting" classes!

If they dont get the kid under control today, in a few years, he will be running the show and physically and mentally abusing his parents.

Send the little darling to my house......I love challenges.
 
Vihzel said:
Are you 100% positive that he doesn't have a medical condition? I remember seeing a documentary about a boy who had serious anger management issues. I forgot what the medical term was called but it was an actual medical condition dealing with the part of the brain that controlled emotions (forgot the name). His parents always kept him in the home because it was almost impossible to get him to calm down once he went into a tantrum fit and they would talk about how they would be told by others to control their child and as a result... label them as "bad parents".

I'm not saying he has that condition.
Click to expand...

Some of the stuff the OP described I could see being caused by a medical condition, but a lot of it, not so much. I can't see a medical condition causing a kid to call adults (even his parents) by their first name or throwing a tantrum because they want something. A medical condition in the kid certainly isn't going to cause the adult to give the kid everything they want.
 
Why was "time out" invited? We didn't have "time outs" when I was a kid. My parent didn't reason with me. It was their way or be punished. Period.

Parents today do too much talking and alway feel bad for punishing their kids. Parents are main reason kids get away with shit!

I have 6 nephews/neices, they only tried the smart mouth thing one time.

My then 11 year old nephew got smart with me at the mall, when we were in the car leaving, he gave me tude. I asked for his phone, he gave it to me, I then pulled over on the side of the road, got out the car, opened the back door and asked him to get out, closed the door, sat back in the drivers seat and drove off, leaving him standing there.

I got to my brothers house, and told him his son was on the corner of X and X.

My sisterinlaw asked me how could I leave her child on the streets. It told her, "there can only be one person with a Diva attitude in this family and thats me. If you're comfortable with a child that talks back on your time, that great, but when they are with me there are rules and consequences. If you don't like them, then too damn bad." When he got back to the house, he got beat and I didnt speak to him for three months.

Since that incident, He has never talked back to an adult. When other children act up, he jumps in to check their behavior.

I dont take smack from minor and I play psychological war fare better than anyone.
 
A.Nonymous said:
Some of the stuff the OP described I could see being caused by a medical condition, but a lot of it, not so much. I can't see a medical condition causing a kid to call adults (even his parents) by their first name or throwing a tantrum because they want something. A medical condition in the kid certainly isn't going to cause the adult to give the kid everything they want.
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I'm not sure. I call all my aunts/uncles by their first names. My parents, never.

I suspect the parents have not set boundaries, expectations, rules or consequences.
 
i think some of today's issues are part of our new attitude with kids.

1. they dont want to fail a kid in school.. try best to let them graduate.. even when they are not trying!

2. cant punish them in school.. or parents will have the educators in trouble or dismissed.

3. if parents use corporal punishment... child safety is called .. and it is abuse.. $$ spent on lawyers. and councilors and therapy

4. divorced parents are using the child against each other.. trying to win the child's affection .. spoil the child.. confusing the child...
 
KENNECTED said:
I'm not sure. I call all my aunts/uncles by their first names. My parents, never.
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Are you an adult or a minor? I would be a bit miffed if my nieces didn't call me Uncle so and so. If they were over 18, it might be different. I would never ever call my parents by their first names. I was raised kind of old school I must admit. To this day I don't call anyone older than me by their first name unless they call me by my first name first. I don't just presume to be on a first name basis with someone I've just met. To me that's kind of rude. I expect people in the service industry to address me at Mr. Nonymous for example.
 
dan330 said:
3. if parents use capital punishment... child safety is called .. and it is abuse.. $$ spent on lawyers. and councilors and therapy
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My parents were fans of capital punishment. They had an electric chair in the basement just in case. Kept us in line.
 
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