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Need some advice. Buying a home..and other things

B

BrianJB

Android Enthusiast
Ok here it is

My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years, in those 4 years we have moved 3 times across country. We have a 2 year old son, and my wife doesn't want to move anymore. We have been living in a duplex for the past 2 years paying roughly 1,000/mo rent.

We had been thinking about buying a house, we'd be able to have a down payment next tax time. But my parents who both recently retired. Have been talking about moving closer to us to help us out with our son and to just be closer. My parents threw out the idea of them selling their home and putting down 10 to 20k on a house for all of us.. (My wife, son, my mom,dad and myself) My parents said we could look for something with a garage that was converted into an apartment or something like that, so my family can have the house and they can have the apartment and we can all just go 50/50 on all of the bills, so that way my wife and I can save money and she can go back to work while they watch our son.


How does this sound to everyone?, My wife is not high on the idea...My wife gets along great with my parents and everything, but she is worried about us losing our "privacy". But I really think it would be a great idea.


What would you do?
 
I think it sounds awesome that your parents want to help you guys out like they do. But, I think that in order for it to work, you guys really need to lay down some ground rules about the situation if it were to work.
 
330D said:
I think it sounds awesome that your parents want to help you guys out like they do. But, I think that in order for it to work, you guys really need to lay down some ground rules about the situation if it were to work.
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Both my mom & dad are really awesome, and I know that it wouldn't be something like they would just pop in and all of that. If I asked my parents to not come into our house for the next 6 months they wouldn't and they'd be completely cool with it...I mean they'd wonder why, but they wouldn't bother us.

I just tell my wife, in this world we live in I think it's a great idea given that god forbid something were to happen with my job or anything like that we would have some backing to help get us through. Unlike now we're in a rental and thats that.
 
Extended families are the greatest. I grew up with my grandparents around, and my wife's family is also very close. Sure there will be conflicts, but the benefits far outweigh any negatives. My father-in-law passed away several years ago and we've been trying to get my mother-in-law to move in with us now that our son is out of the house. Privacy, schmivacy ... it's not like parents don't know what goes on behind closed doors. That's how they got to be parents in the first place. ;)
 
lunatic59 said:
Extended families are the greatest. I grew up with my grandparents around, and my wife's family is also very close. Sure there will be conflicts, but the benefits far outweigh any negatives. My father-in-law passed away several years ago and we've been trying to get my mother-in-law to move in with us now that our son is out of the house. Privacy, schmivacy ... it's not like parents don't know what goes on behind closed doors. That's how they got to be parents in the first place. ;)
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Thats exactly how I feel about it. But how can I get my wife to accept it?
 
BrianJB said:
Thats exactly how I feel about it. But how can I get my wife to accept it?
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There is a theory in business (sales) that the least interested party controls the relationship. If you and your parents are okay with the idea, then give your wife all the power to nix it if it doesn't work out. And make sure you all sit down and discuss how each of you thinks it should work. It might be that you are not all on the same page and if you go into it with different expectations, it can create some issues.
 
It just sucks because at the moment I look at things like the pros are 95, while the cons are 5.

My wife seems to be looking at those same numbers,just switched. I will just keep the communication open and give her time, It is a big commitment. But I think paying a 500/mo mortage with the help of my parents makes more sense than paying 1,000/mo in rent with no help at all.
 
BrianJB said:
It just sucks because at the moment I look at things like the pros are 95, while the cons are 5.

My wife seems to be looking at those same numbers,just switched. I will just keep the communication open and give her time, It is a big commitment. But I think paying a 500/mo mortage with the help of my parents makes more sense than paying 1,000/mo in rent with no help at all.
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How would you feel if it was her parents wanting to move together? Assuming you all got along. I think this is a tricky situation. Do you have sisters & brothers?
 
saptech said:
How would you feel if it was her parents wanting to move together? Assuming you all got along. I think this is a tricky situation. Do you have sisters & brothers?
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I'd be cool with it if it were her parents, I get along with them fine. I have one brother he lives with his girlfriends family.

But my wife and I are different when it comes to that stuff, my wife is a people person but she loves her privacy. I am not as much as a people person as her, but I don't mind people being around.

Sounds strange huh? lol.
 
I can't speak to the living situation. It sounds strange to me and certainly not something I would ever be interested in for any reason short of desperation, but I know every family is different and has different dynamics.

From a financial perspective, I wouldn't recommend buying a house unless you're debt-free and can put down a 10-15% downpayment (which it sounds like you can). You want a fixed rate mortgage at 15 years ideally.
 
A.Nonymous said:
I can't speak to the living situation. It sounds strange to me and certainly not something I would ever be interested in for any reason short of desperation, but I know every family is different and has different dynamics.

From a financial perspective, I wouldn't recommend buying a house unless you're debt-free and can put down a 10-15% downpayment (which it sounds like you can). You want a fixed rate mortgage at 15 years ideally.
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Yeah, I know its not for everyone. Obviously my wife it seems is of the same thought you are. Me personally I look at it in a sense of why not?. You split all bills 50/50. Which means you instantly get 50% of your paycheck back. And we have free onsite babysitting.
 
The wife and I almost came into a similar situation, her mom moving in with us. But the wife have 3 sisters and 3 brothers and I felt since they are all single, execpt for one sister, they should have taken mom in.

Also, the wife doesn't get along with all of her siblings, so I thought it would create conflicts with them coming over to visit mom at our house.

In the end, mom was placed into a senior citizen home, due to none of the others wanted her to move in with them. The wife thought it was best also, since mom's have alzheimers.
 
BrianJB said:
Yeah, I know its not for everyone. Obviously my wife it seems is of the same thought you are. Me personally I look at it in a sense of why not?. You split all bills 50/50. Which means you instantly get 50% of your paycheck back. And we have free onsite babysitting.
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But you're living with your parents though. My parents told me once that I should move in with them. They'd let me live there rent-free so I'd save a ton of money on rent/mortgage payments right there. Plus, I could eat at least some of their food and save money on food as well. I turned them down because I'd still be living with my parents. It's a psychological thing to me. I moved out of my parents house and set up my own household. To me moving in with the parents is taking a step back in my life. But I know people who agree with you as well. Personally, I couldn't do it. I would rather live in a ghetto studio apartment and struggle on my own than live with my parents again.

It's one thing if your parents have health issues and you're taking care of them. Then it's like your parents moving in with you though and not vice versa. So it's different in my mind. But like I said, I know every family is different.
 
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A.Nonymous said:
But you're living with your parents though. My parents told me once that I should move in with them. They'd let me live there rent-free so I'd save a ton of money on rent/mortgage payments right there. Plus, I could eat at least some of their food and save money on food as well. I turned them down because I'd still be living with my parents. It's a psychological thing to me. I moved out of my parents house and set up my own household. To me moving in with the parents is taking a step back in my life. But I know people who agree with you as well. Personally, I couldn't do it. I would rather live in a ghetto studio apartment and struggle on my own than live with my parents again.

It's one thing if your parents have health issues and you're taking care of them. Then it's like your parents moving in with you though and not vice versa. So it's different in my mind. But like I said, I know every family is different.
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I completely agree with you, I'm in that boat right now. My wife and I could easily live with my parents right now, they've invited us and sure it would help out with the bills. But I would much rather stay living in my ghetto studio apartment until I can do things on my own.

@OP your wife may be feeling this way, from her side of things she could see it as giving up the household that you had built together.
 
Alright, I am going to be a devil's advocate here. My Mother-in-law moved in with us, and I was open to the idea. The agreement was, she paid for the renovations to the house (we closed in the garage and turned it into a studio apartment), and paid for the electricity, water, and satellite bills for the house (she still works). At the time I thought it would be a good arrangement, she would be able to have lots of time with the kids (and watch them when wifey and I wanted to get out), and would help us out with bills, while she saved up for her own place, and we paid off some newlywed/new parent/new house debt.

Now three years later, she is miserable, but never saved up any money to get out. She constantly complains, and bad-mouths me to my wife (which sucks, because my wife is super close to her, so it has taken its toll on her opinion of me as well, and also my wife will run to her anytime she has a problem, instead of working it out together, and her mom just reinforces my wife's side, and I lose out.). To make matters worse, she reneged on paying for most of the changes to the house, and even if we had had something in writing, getting my wife to agree to enforce it wasn't going to happen.

I know this is a horror story, and most instances won't be so bad, but I would give her 51% vs. your 49% on the decision. Because it could turn out really bad if she goes in grudgingly, and things are even slightly off, nevermind a complete train wreck like my situation.
 
AntimonyER said:
Alright, I am going to be a devil's advocate here. My Mother-in-law moved in with us, and I was open to the idea. The agreement was, she paid for the renovations to the house (we closed in the garage and turned it into a studio apartment), and paid for the electricity, water, and satellite bills for the house (she still works). At the time I thought it would be a good arrangement, she would be able to have lots of time with the kids (and watch them when wifey and I wanted to get out), and would help us out with bills, while she saved up for her own place, and we paid off some newlywed/new parent/new house debt.

Now three years later, she is miserable, but never saved up any money to get out. She constantly complains, and bad-mouths me to my wife (which sucks, because my wife is super close to her, so it has taken its toll on her opinion of me as well, and also my wife will run to her anytime she has a problem, instead of working it out together, and her mom just reinforces my wife's side, and I lose out.). To make matters worse, she reneged on paying for most of the changes to the house, and even if we had had something in writing, getting my wife to agree to enforce it wasn't going to happen.

I know this is a horror story, and most instances won't be so bad, but I would give her 51% vs. your 49% on the decision. Because it could turn out really bad if she goes in grudgingly, and things are even slightly off, nevermind a complete train wreck like my situation.
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I have heard many, many horror stories of marriages being ruined by parents putting themselves in the middle of their kids marriages. In fact, my pastor tells parents that if their kid runs to them because they're having some problem with their spouse, the parent needs to turn them around and run them back to their spouse so the two of them and sort it out and the parents need to just butt out of it. In reality does this always happen? Probably not, but it's still good advice. This happens with people who don't live with their parents. I can't imagine how much worse it would get if your parents are in the house. You would definitely need good boundaries to make this work I would think.
 
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