Damn!
I downloaded the .iso, verified the md5 hash, and tried burning the image to DVD.
Three times-- twice using Brasero (hangs up trying to verify the burned disc), once (theoretically successfully) with Win 8.1.
The laptop fails to recognize any of the discs as having any data on them.
I am going to have to use Dngrswife's machine, I guess.
What distro?