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Android Forums's 100 Laughs

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david1215e

Newbie
C'mon guys! Give yourself a break. Relax! Post some funny jokes here. There is no post limit. But here are some rules:

No racial jokes
No jokes that can offend fellow members
No inuslting jokes.


And you're ready to go!

Here are some classic jokes I have read:



So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"



A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman.The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.The detective responded, "I think it`s obvious. A cereal killer got her!"



Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up



A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don`t you just put it all on me cause I`m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn`t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!



Happy posting!
 
here is an old one....

2 woman walking down the sidewalk
the both walk into a bar...
which was pretty stupid...

the second woman should have seen the first one.
 
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in
reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when
you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it
a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with
his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there
passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm
sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
 
a man is driving down the road when he is pulled over by the state highway patrol.

the officer comes up to the mans car and says "you realize you were speeding back there?"
"yea, I'm sorry" says the guy, "I'm late for the next carnival, I'm a juggler."
"No way, I love juggling," says the cop, "think you could juggle for me?"
"well all the stuff I usually juggle is in the trailer that was ahead of me"
The cop says "well I've got some road flares in the cruiser, think you could juggle those?"
"Sure!" says the guy, and he gets out an starts juggling the road flares.
Meanwhile, another guy is driving drunk and sees the patrol car and the man juggling the flares up ahead. he pulls in behind the cruiser, gets out of his car and sits in the back of the cop car. The cop and the juggler look at each other confused and the cop walks up to his cruiser.
"What did you get in the back of my cruiser for?" asks the cop.
The drunk man replies, "Well shit, if that's the sobriety test you're givin' him there's NO WAY I'm passin"
 
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same
size as kids. I just don't get it.' 'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have
you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'
'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of
them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an a**hole and a briefcase.
 
Not a joke really, but amusing:

A not-so-old saying used in Texas when referring to someone of little brain:

"He as confused as a cow standing on astro-turf"
 
vader_bowling.gif
 
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.
Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,' Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'
Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'
The policeman fainted.
 
Things you never want to hear from surgeon during operation:
1. Ouch...
2. Has anybody seen my watches?
3. I don't remember, when I was so drunk like yesterday.
4. Shit, page 45 in the manual is missing.
5. Bring it back! Bad dog!
6. Ok, wait a little bit. When this is livers, what's this then?
7. It's slightdisadvantage that I forgot my eyglasses today.
8. Patient already has childern, right?
9. I don't know what's this. Give it to fridge quickly, just for sure.
10. Make it quickly, I want to catch my favorite TV show.

Sorry for possible mistakes in translation.
 
olbriar said:
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.
Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,' Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'
Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'
The policeman fainted.
Click to expand...

:eek: :D :D :D Laugh of the day (so far, it's early ;).
 
AIRCRAFT GROUND CREW RESPONSES
This set of aircraft faults/responses has been attributed to numerous American airlines and sometimes to military pilots and their ground crew. Each time, the list gets a little longer and a little sillier. A fighter pilot version turned up during the 2003 Iraq conflict. Another 2003 version was attributed to Qantas, on the grounds that Qantas is the only major airline never to have had an accident. The faults cover a range of military and civil aircraft from propeller engines through to jets. While some of the original entries may have been genuine, later ones have almost certainly been added as jokes. The following compendium is courtesy of friends in the aerospace industry.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics and other ground crew any problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics/ground crew read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.


(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers or ground crew.)


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: The autopilot doesn't.
S: IT DOES NOW.


P: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
S: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Pilot's clock inoperative.
S: Wound clock.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: 3 roaches in cabin.
S: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
S: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.


P: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
S: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.


P: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
S: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.


P: Whining sound heard on #2 engine shutdown.
S: Pilot removed from aircraft.


P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.


P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.


P: Funny sounds from behind instrument panel.
S: Installed non-funny sounds.


P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to "straighten up, fly right, and be serious".


P: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
S: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.


P: Turn-and-slip indicator ball stuck in centre during turns.
S: Congratulations. You have just made your first co-ordinated turn.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
S: Fresh seat cushion on order.


P: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
S: Ground checks OK.


P: Weather radar went ape!
S: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess.

And this one from a pilot instructor who ejected from a military trainer aircraft:
P: Reason for emergency eject: Landing gear would not retract
S: Aircraft had fixed landing gear. Aircraft written off.


Aerospace engineer Adam Leech submitted the following joke "gripes" after a couple of occasions in which RAF Harriers had ditched into the sea or the River Yeo.
P: Indication of moisture in intake.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.


P: Electrical shorting in controls due to moisture ingress.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.


P: Tendency for canopy to mist up.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.


P: Numerous water leaks from fuselage.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.

 
Wal-Mart Has Everything

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind Him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and his own sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is to hard. Get a water softener (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack,10-pack or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist."
"I intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. She says, "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down.
Ten minutes passes and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
 
One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So he asked his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action. 'Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?'
'Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comicland.
Why don't you try her?' replied Batman. 'I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really want to take advantage of her.'
'Damn shame.' said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern. 'Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in comicland?' 'Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in comicland, why don't you try her?'
'Well, we're sort of friends,' Superman said, 'but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much.' and he flew off in frustration.

Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart. Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, 'I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here.' So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a
dazed ___expression. 'What the hell was that??' she exclaimed.
'I don't know,' said the Invisible Man as he
rolled off, 'but my ass is killing me.
 
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.' The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges, as the daughter is in her mid-20's
and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.' The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!
The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.'
 
olbriar said:
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in
reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when
you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it
a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with
his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there
passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm
sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
Click to expand...
LOL
Viagra was invented in Ireland, in my city :D
 
kejlyCZ said:
AIRCRAFT GROUND CREW RESPONSES
This set of aircraft faults/responses has been attributed to numerous American airlines and sometimes to military pilots and their ground crew. Each time, the list gets a little longer and a little sillier. A fighter pilot version turned up during the 2003 Iraq conflict. Another 2003 version was attributed to Qantas, on the grounds that Qantas is the only major airline never to have had an accident. The faults cover a range of military and civil aircraft from propeller engines through to jets. While some of the original entries may have been genuine, later ones have almost certainly been added as jokes. The following compendium is courtesy of friends in the aerospace industry.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics and other ground crew any problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics/ground crew read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.


(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers or ground crew.)


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: The autopilot doesn't.
S: IT DOES NOW.


P: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
S: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Pilot's clock inoperative.
S: Wound clock.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: 3 roaches in cabin.
S: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
S: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.


P: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
S: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.


P: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
S: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.


P: Whining sound heard on #2 engine shutdown.
S: Pilot removed from aircraft.


P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.


P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.


P: Funny sounds from behind instrument panel.
S: Installed non-funny sounds.


P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to "straighten up, fly right, and be serious".


P: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
S: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.


P: Turn-and-slip indicator ball stuck in centre during turns.
S: Congratulations. You have just made your first co-ordinated turn.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
S: Fresh seat cushion on order.


P: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
S: Ground checks OK.


P: Weather radar went ape!
S: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess.

And this one from a pilot instructor who ejected from a military trainer aircraft:
P: Reason for emergency eject: Landing gear would not retract
S: Aircraft had fixed landing gear. Aircraft written off.


Aerospace engineer Adam Leech submitted the following joke "gripes" after a couple of occasions in which RAF Harriers had ditched into the sea or the River Yeo.
P: Indication of moisture in intake.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.


P: Electrical shorting in controls due to moisture ingress.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.


P: Tendency for canopy to mist up.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.


P: Numerous water leaks from fuselage.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.
Click to expand...
Oh I did my fair share of those while I was a crew chief. Flight crews are a stupid lot. Like we said on the flight line. We can't fix stupid.

The IFF mode4 we didn't say dont work in the off position. We told them that it dont work in the OFFicial position.
 
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband
and said... 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst...my wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband... 'Mine came back with a card stuck to
her ass that said... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''
 
Harry and his wife were having hard financial times, so they decided that she'd become a hooker.

She wasn't quite sure what to do so Harry said, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Then tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?"

"A hundred bucks" she says.

The guy replies, "Damn! All I've got is $30!"

"Hold on" she says as she runs back to Harry to ask, "What can he get for $30?"

"A handjob" Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy that for $30 all he gets is a handjob.

He says okay and she gets in his car, he unzips his pants and out pops the biggest one she's seen.

She stares at it for a minute and then says, "I'll be right back!"

She runs back around the corner and asks breathlessly, "Harry can you loan this guy $70?"
 
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-70, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'l llet you go.'
The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper
 
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