United states coast, night, heavy sea, foggy. On the coastguard patrol boat radar some blurry image appears. Radio conversation:
- Unknown boat, here is US navy coastguard, please identify yourself.
- ---
- I repeat for the unknown boat, here is US coastguard, identify immediately!
- ---
- Unknown boat, as US navy coastguard we'll use force and start fire, if you don't identify immediately!
- O.K., here's USS Nimitz, tell us, when you're ready.
BillyBob and Jim worked for the airport loading luggage. It was Friday night and it was almost quitting time.
As they were relaxing after work, they started talking about what to do on Friday night.
Billy said he'd sure like to go out and get drunk, but really couldn't afford it this week and besides, he didn't like the bad hangover he always ended up with the next morning.
Jim asked him if he had ever drank Jet fuel, because he had heard that it was mostly alcohol and actually tasted pretty good and didn't have the bad hangover affect the next day. Plus since they had easy access to it, it would be free for them.
Billy said he hadn't but was willing to try it, so they skeptically got some and tasted it.
"Hey this isn't bad at all" said Jim, and Billy agreed.
So they both got really drunk and when he woke up at home the next morning, Billy felt great! No hangover at all. He was really impressed!
A few minutes after he woke up his phone rang and it was Jim asking him how he felt.
"I feel really good, Jim that was a great idea, free booze and no hangover at all"!
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors....
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy
boots"
Lion walks into a bar and says to the barman - "A pint of beer and.......................................................................................a packet of crisps please."
To which the barman replies - "Why the biy pause?"
Lion - "Dunno, I was born with them."
*************
Horse walks into a bar and asks the barman for a beer to which the barman replies -"Why the long face" etc.
*************
What the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch information into the drummer once.
*************
What the best thing about ****ing twenty one year olds?
Sorry the punch-line to this isn't forum suitable, but you can PM me if you can't figure it out
*************
What 3ft tall but won't fit in an elevator?
A toddler with a spear through his head.
*************
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a dead whore?
There's no Ferrari in my garage.
*************
I like my women like my coffee.
Ground up and in my freezer.
*************
I said I was thirsty the other day and my mum said she was going to go into the garden and dig for water.
I thought "She means well."
*************
man has been suffering from terrible headaches for years, they’re so bad they’ve stopped him ever going out and meeting people or enjoying himself.
His doctor’s told him that the problem is thought to be that his testicles are putting pressure on the base of his spine and that the only option is to remove his testicles.
Now he’s resisted this for obvious reasons but eventually figures that he’ll have more fun without his testicles and no headaches than he ever could with the headaches so submits to surgery.
The morning after the surgery it’s as if he’s been born again, the headaches has gone after all these years, colours are more vibrant, the sky is beautiful and the birdsong is sweeter than ever.
He decides that there’s no time to lose to start finally enjoying his new life and makes arrangements to go out that very evening.
He decides his image could do with a make over so walks, with a new spring in his step, down to the shops.
First he goes into a tailors and explains he needs a new suit to impress, he’s about to tell the tailor his size when the man stops him and says:-
“I am Luigi the master tailor. I’ve been doing this for years and have highly trained eyes. I can tell at a glance you are a 34” waist with a 40” chest and a 33” inside leg.”
He’s very impressed as Luigi is spot on and adds that he’d like a nice shirt too.
Luigi explains that he doesn’t do shirts but that his brother Mario does and is two doors down, so off our hero goes new suit under his arm.
He enters Mario’s shop and explains the situation Mario immediately picks up a shirt with a 17
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: 'I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother.'
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
'Anything?' he asked.
'Yes, yes, anything' the blonde promised.
Well, then, Just follow me' said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
'Come in and close the door' the man said.
She did.
He then said 'Now get on your knees.'
She did.
'Now take down my zipper.'
She did.
'Now go ahead . take it out.....' He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ...
'Well ... go ahead.'
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .....
tentatively said ....
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash but I like your thinking." I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory
and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day
at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The
Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up putting the entire plant behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches
the woman."I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a
straight face," but I think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles.
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked"What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide- eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a smal room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door
and a shapely 40 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee
answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and
asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they
as firm as this?'
He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from
his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they
nice and pink like this?'
The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they
as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.
She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my corn, the flood got
my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna
get screwed out of my peaches!'
One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker; I just really like certain songs.
I was in a card store and they had cards that said 'Get Well Soon.' **** that -- get well now.
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
____
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said,
“The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.”
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other,
“Do you know where we are?”
“I think so,” replied the other hunter. “I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year.”
An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back
to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared,
where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not
sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag
and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood
looking for the money, and knock on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that
fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were
walking home from school yesterday. . "
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. ‘ What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent."
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One
night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his
reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would
go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the
child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She
agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write
'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support
payments to begin.
One day about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh,
just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.'
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The
new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The
room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money
do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400
a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four
weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
'Does anyone here want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from
Domino's.'
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