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Android Forums's 100 Laughs

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and says: "Hello!"

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says,: "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies: "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says: "No, actually I'm your son's math teacher!"
 
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a mineshaft in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and heave it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this mineshaft here!"
And the old farmer said... "Why, that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"
 
LETTER TO MOM FROM DAUGHTER

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.
With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend.
I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But its not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams too.
I've learned that marihuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and for his friends,
who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime,
we'll pray for the science to find the cure for AIDS, so that Ahmed can get better.
He deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Judy













PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the school's report card
that's in my desk's drawer...I love you!
 
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
 
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad? To which
the man matter-of-factly replies,
'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'
'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class
at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for
Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.'
'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking
up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married
men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March.....'
 
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
Who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
Laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
And who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
And who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
Do not know each other.
 
Guts or Balls...
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts
or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort
to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse
and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
 
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..." Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I have come back like we agreed." "Well, what is it like?"

Fred excitedly tells his tale, "Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next day."

So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven."

Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
 
Well, since everyone knows there are no womans on the interwebs...

Adam is kicking back in the Garden of Eden one day when god comes down for a talk.

"Adam," he says, "Have I got a deal for you! I've got an amazing new creature called 'woman'. She will love you and respect you, care for you and satisfy your every need. She will be supportive, kind, and obedient."

Adam, knowing god, asks, "OK, but what is this 'woman' going to cost me?"

"Ahhhh, a very good price indeed. I'll need one of your arms and one of your legs, and she's all yours!"

Adam thinks for a moment and replies, "So... what can I get for a rib?"
 
Abraham to god:

"So, let me make sure I've got this straight: We're your chosen people, we get the land of milk and honey and your eternal protection, but we have to cut off the tips of our WHAT??!!"
 
An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do
you stay in such great physical condition?"
I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."
" Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me
this morning, and that's why he's still alive . . .
he's a golfer too." "Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfathers still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer. .
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" "No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married
today." At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
"Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
 
Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One turns to the other and asks: "Does this taste funny to you?"
 
Btros said:
Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One turns to the other and asks: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Click to expand...

On that note:

Two cannibals decided to share their meal, one cannibal started at the head and was eating his way down and the other started at the feet and was eating his way up.

A little while into the meal, the guy at that started at the top ask the other "How are you doing"?

The guys says "Oh, I'm having a ball!"

The other guy says "Slow down, you're eating too fast!"
 
A man is planning a big luau, and he heads to his local market looking for a whole pig. The butcher tells him that he can't help him, but farmer Smith just outside town has fantastic meat sows he sells to the public. After getting directions, the man drives out to the Smith farm.

As he parks his car, a man approaches and says, "Hi, I'm Jeb Smith, what can I do for you?"

"I've been told you sell whole pigs to the public. I'm planning a luau and need a pig to feed 60 people," says the man.

"No problem," replies the farmer, "60 people, you need a pig around 120 pounds, let's go pick one out!" The farmer walks over to the pig sty, looks around briefly, grabs a pig and picks it up. "Here's a good one," he says as he wrestles with it. He twists the pig around, grabs its tail between his teeth, and bends over, letting the pig dangle freely. Then he grabs the pig again, and says, "Perfect! This girl's about 119 pounds."

Perplexed, the man asks, "What were you doing there?"

"Weighing the pig, what do you think," says farmer Smith.

"You can't weigh a pig by hanging it from your teeth, that's ridiculous!"

"Naw, my family's been doing it this way for years. Here watch." The farmer yells, "Billy, get over here!" and a young man trots out from behind the barn.

"What's up, paw?" the boy asks.

"Git over here and weigh this pig right quick!"

The boy runs over, grabs the pig, flips it around, grabs its tail between his teeth and dangles it for a moment. "Right around 119 pounds, paw," he says.

"See, what'd I tell you?"

The man is skeptical and says, I don't know, this seems awfully fishy to me...

Sighing, the man says, "OK, how about this? I'll have my boy fetch my wife, and if she comes up with the same weight, will you just buy the pig so I can get back to work?"

"Sure," says the man.

"Boy, git on in to the house and fetch your ma."

"Yes, paw," says the boy, and he runs off. After a few minutes, he returns and says, "Sorry, paw, it'll be a bit, mom's inside weighing the mailman."
 
I'll keep the pig theme going.

A California man is visiting his long estranged brother on a big farm in the Midwest. The first day he's there, he spots a pig on the front porch that only has three legs. He asks his brother what happened to it, and he said, "Well, that is the most amazing pig anywhere - it saved my life three times, and one of those, my family, too!"

"Saved your life?" the man asked, "how did a pig save your life?"

"Well, the first time, there was a prowler with a machete snooping around, and the pig started squealing and snorting and woke me up. I came downstairs with the shotgun and chased him off."

"Wow, that's pretty impressive for a pig!"

"That's what I said! After that point, I started taking the pig around to do my farm work, like you would a dog. A few months later, I hit a nasty rut plowing the West 20, and my tractor fell over on its side, trapping my leg underneath. I would have died out there for sure, but this here pig ran to the house, squealing and jumping around, and got one of my boys to follow him out here to rescue me."

"Amazing! What about the third time?"

"Well, at this point, I figured I'd better keep this pig close, so I had him sleeping downstairs in the living room. One night, a small electrical fire started in the kitchen, and the pig couldn't wake us up. He actually knocked the phone off the hook and dialed 911."

The man was shocked. "That's incredible! So, how did the pig lose it's leg?"



















Wait for it...























"Well, if you had a pig that great, would you eat him all at once?"
 
Two old guys,one 80 and one 87,were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said,"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said,"I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard." He replied,"I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me."
 
A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same
sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper
berth and she in the lower. 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the
woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we are married."
'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own frickin blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.
 
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