I am from Dallas texas.... I take huge offense to this joke.
to even think..
you can make it to Houston.. is plain stupid optimistic!
getting my 45 ready for your visit!
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Android Forums's 100 Laughs
- Thread starter david1215e
- Start date
I am from Dallas texas.... I take huge offense to this joke.
to even think..
you can make it to Houston.. is plain stupid optimistic!
getting my 45 ready for your visit!
reinbeau
Klaatu barada nikto
I live in Kansas but I'm a Texan too. You won't see my in the contest. I'll be hanging out with you.. waiting for the contestants to make a run for it.
A teacher was doing a study testing the sense of taste of
her first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:
'Oh my God!! they are ass-holes!!!'
her first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:
'Oh my God!! they are ass-holes!!!'
M
Member243850
Guest
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?' The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor, 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law... but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'
The supervisor asked. 'Is it the governor?' The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.' The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.' The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more important than that.'
The supervisor finally asked,
'Well then, who is it?'
The young trooper said,
'I think it's Jesus,
because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?' The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor, 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law... but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'
The supervisor asked. 'Is it the governor?' The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.' The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.' The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more important than that.'
The supervisor finally asked,
'Well then, who is it?'
The young trooper said,
'I think it's Jesus,
because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....
Racinjitter
Newbie
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. ...I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. ...I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
An 86 year old woman is given the news that she has terminal cancer and only has 2 months left to live.
She is sitting at home and thinks "well, I've had a good long enjoyable life. I did everything I dreamt of doing, and saw every place in the world I wanted to see. But there is no way I am going to suffer, far better to end it now, on my own terms."
She sits and considers different ways of committing suicide and finaly decided to shoot herself through the heart. The only problem is that she doesn't know precisely where the heart is.
At her next visit she asks the doctor the easiest way to locate the heart.
"Well the easiest wat way is to remember that is 3 inches to the right of the left nipple replies the doctor.
At home she gets a gun, measures 3 inches to the right of her left left nipple, fired the gun,
and blew her left kneecap off.
She is sitting at home and thinks "well, I've had a good long enjoyable life. I did everything I dreamt of doing, and saw every place in the world I wanted to see. But there is no way I am going to suffer, far better to end it now, on my own terms."
She sits and considers different ways of committing suicide and finaly decided to shoot herself through the heart. The only problem is that she doesn't know precisely where the heart is.
At her next visit she asks the doctor the easiest way to locate the heart.
"Well the easiest wat way is to remember that is 3 inches to the right of the left nipple replies the doctor.
At home she gets a gun, measures 3 inches to the right of her left left nipple, fired the gun,
and blew her left kneecap off.
Racinjitter
Newbie
Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young minister noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all
things,a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones,they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon
it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. ''Oh, yes,' she replied,
'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that
it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young minister noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all
things,a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones,they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon
it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. ''Oh, yes,' she replied,
'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that
it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
reinbeau
Klaatu barada nikto
Ever since i was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So i went to a shrink and told him: "I've got problems. Every time i go to bed i think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it", I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" He asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that i went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may i ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!"
Forget the shrinks.. Have a drink & talk to a bartender!
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it", I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" He asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that i went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may i ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!"
Forget the shrinks.. Have a drink & talk to a bartender!
I love you" in 25 languages.
1. English -I Love You.
2. Spanish - Te Ammo.
3. French - Je T'aime.
4. German- lch Liebe Dich .
5. Japanese - Ai Shite Imasu .
6. Thai -Phom rak khun.
7. Italian -Ti amo.
8. Chinese- Wo Ai Ni.
9. Swedish - Jag Alskar.
10. - 25. Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina,Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, and parts of Florida - Nice Ass, Get in the truck.
1. English -I Love You.
2. Spanish - Te Ammo.
3. French - Je T'aime.
4. German- lch Liebe Dich .
5. Japanese - Ai Shite Imasu .
6. Thai -Phom rak khun.
7. Italian -Ti amo.
8. Chinese- Wo Ai Ni.
9. Swedish - Jag Alskar.
10. - 25. Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina,Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, and parts of Florida - Nice Ass, Get in the truck.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling.about women drivers.
The woman says, "So, you're a man.. That's interesting...I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!" But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY :
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling.about women drivers.
The woman says, "So, you're a man.. That's interesting...I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!" But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY :
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more
curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met
the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be
sure. So he sat down and wrote:
__________________________________________________________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
__________________________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:
____________________________________________________
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more
curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met
the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be
sure. So he sat down and wrote:
__________________________________________________________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
__________________________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:
____________________________________________________
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
M
Mathewdro
Guest
How about mine?
NightHawk877
Android Enthusiast
It's an arm and a leg plus a kidney and part of the liver.
may be a repost but good joke
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight,
Paddy."
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his
stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "What the...." he says and
pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. "Damn!" he says.
He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door and
get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies
up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of
fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and
falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus.. I'm soused," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. He
crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and
looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No flappin' way."
But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, "I think
I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on
his face again. He says, "This is hell. I gotta stop drinking," but manages
to crawl to the bed and fall in.
The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee
and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you h ave a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was totally pissfaced. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called.. You left your wheelchair at the pub."
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight,
Paddy."
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his
stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "What the...." he says and
pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. "Damn!" he says.
He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door and
get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies
up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of
fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and
falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus.. I'm soused," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. He
crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and
looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No flappin' way."
But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, "I think
I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on
his face again. He says, "This is hell. I gotta stop drinking," but manages
to crawl to the bed and fall in.
The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee
and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you h ave a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was totally pissfaced. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called.. You left your wheelchair at the pub."