Android Forums's 100 Laughs

[hexpert]

I wonder who was the first person who looked at a cow and thought, 'I'm gonna pull them little pink things and see hat happens'.

Do blind people believe in love at first sight?

What if there were no rhetorical questions ?

Why is there no mouse flavoured cat food?

What did they call barn owls before there were barns?

If quizzes are quizical, then what are tests?

If a tortoise has no shell, is it homeless or just naked?

Can fat people go skinny dipping?

If according to Catholics "Masturbation is murder". Does buying tissues make it Pre-Meditated?

What colour does a smurf go when you choke it?

If quicken means 'go quicker', why doesn't fasten mean 'go faster'?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet spaghetti?

Do blind people get anoyed if you stare at them?

How does an amniesiac once know how long they've had amnesia?

If a person has multiple personalities and one of them is suicidal, does that make it a hostage situation?

Do bridge builders work hard to make ends meet?

Is premature ejaculation a shortcoming?

If you use both hands to wank, does it count as a threesome?

Would you be pissed off if you were pissed on?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

What happens if you're allergic to sneezing?

What if squirrels were allergic to nuts?

 

[hexpert]

THE SHIT LIST, YOU WILL EXPERIENCE ALL OF THESE.

​

GHOST SHIT - You know you've shitted. There's shit on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet.


TEFLON-COATED SHIT - Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of shit on the paper. You have to look in the toilet to make sure you did something.


GOOEY-SHIT - This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it's still not clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your jocks so that you don't stain them. This kind of shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.


SECOND THOUGHT SHIT- You're all done wiping, and you're about to stand up when you realise....you've got more.


POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT - The kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come out till you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.


WEIGHT WATCHERS SHIT - You shit so much, you lose several kilos.


RIGHT NOW SHIT - You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has its head out before you can get your pants down.


KING KONG or CHOKER SHIT - This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually occurs at someone else's house.


CORK SHIT (also Floater) - Even after the third flush it's still floating in the bowl. You think "SHIT" how do I get rid of it.


WET CHEEKS SHIT - This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet.


WISH SHIT. You sit there all cramped up in the foetal position and fart a few times, but no shit in sight.


CEMENT BLOCK SHIT - You wish you had a spinal anaesthetic before you attempted this one.


SNAKE SHIT - This shit is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least a metre long.


BEER AND PIZZA SHIT - This happens the day after the night before. Most of the time your shit doesn't smell so bad but this one is BAD.... usually this one happens at someone else's house, and someone is always waiting outside the toilet door.


MEXICAN FOOD SHIT (or Screamer) - You know will know it's safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.

 

[hexpert]

Men VS Women

How to turn them on

 

[hexpert]

Especially for the ladies

 

[hexpert]

A dedication to police throughout the world

 

[hexpert]

No prizes for guessing who dealt it !!!!

 

[hexpert]

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

 

[hexpert]

A student is in her professors room to submit a thesis when he asks her if she wants to earn some money, interested she asks what she has to do.

"Well, if you have sex with me I'll pay you five hundred pounds, basically I'll set the money on the floor, you bend over and pick it up and whilst you're bent over we'll have sex until you lift all the money and stand up again, at this point we stop" says the professor.

Unsure she phones her boyfriend, he says "Do it ! but quickly bend over and straighten up again so he has as little time as possible"

Four hours later she arrive home, looking terrible, "What happened" asks her boyfriend.

She looks at him and says "He paid me with pound coins"

 

[olbriar]

An elderly man in West Ohio had owned a large farm for several years
with a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so
he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple
and peach trees
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it
over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As
he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said
'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

 

[hexpert]

Mine one:

- Did you Nexus One help you with your homework?
- Student: No, it did it all by itself

====================================

Question: What is the difference between Android 2.1 and 2.2?
Answer: 6 months

I tried the same thing, got caught when it wrote the whole thing in Chinese

 

[Gmash]

A blonde brings a dress to the dry cleaner. After dropping it off and getting her ticket, she turns to leave. The proprietor calls out to her "thank you, come again." She turns back and says "no, it's mustard this time."

 

[hexpert]

A man has noticed how his wife always falls asleep in church and is getting annoyed by it.

One morning he meets his minister in the local coffee shop and remarks about the fact his wife has fallen asleep in church and the minister comments that he has also noticed. They both sit there trying to think of what they can do to deal with the problem.

The minister suddenly turns around and says "This Sunday bring a large needle with you and every time I notice her falling asleep I'll nod to you and you quickly jab her with it"

They both agree this is a good plan and go about their day.

On Sunday the minister starts to give his sermon, "And can anyone remind us who created the earth and all the animals and plants in it" as he does so he nods and the man jabs his wife.

"God Almighty" she screams.

The minister looks at her and says "Correct" and goes on with his sermon, a while later he begins to talk about Jesus, "And can anyone remind us what Gods son on earth was called" and as he does he nods.

The man jabs is wife and she yells "JESUS CHRIST", the minister looks at her and says "Correct again"

The minister then moves on to talk about Adam and Eve. "And does anyone know what Eve said to Adam shortly after their first child was born" and he nods at the man who jabs his wife again.

She jumps up and screams "I swear on my life, if you try and stick that thing in me even once more I'm going to snap it half and shove it up your ass SIDEWAYS"

And all the woman said "Amen to that"

 

[hexpert]

Afghani training school

 

[hexpert]

All daddy wanted was ..................................

 

[hexpert]

Unwanted babies

 

[hexpert]

Ideal baby food ??

 

[hexpert]

I felt sorry for a hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised 7 blokes, then he tripped over the microphone cord, and yelled "**** Me!".
What happened next will haunt me forever...

 

[hexpert]

A brand new department store has just opened. It sells husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the following instructions:-

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you go up. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

One day a woman goes into the store and rather nervously starts climbing the stairs.

When she gets to the 1st floor a sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
She thinks, "I can do better than that" and keeps going up.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have jobs and love kids.
But she goes up another floor.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

 

[hexpert]

A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor' that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

 

[hexpert]

I went to a fancy dress with a cardboard box over my head and a hole for my willy.

"What the hell have you come as?" said the bouncer.

"The Fukushima power plant" I replied.

"Why do you have a hole with your willy hanging out it?" he said.

"Thats my exposed rod!"

 

[hexpert]

Proof of global warming

 

[hexpert]

Check your keyboard

 

[hexpert]

Our new police station opened yesterday, took a photo for all to see

 

[hexpert]

Cute girls

 

[hexpert]

Love playing practial jokes?