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Android Forums's 100 Laughs

A man is sitting at home with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me, talking to the beer." :)
 
A business man is away on another boring business trip, in another boring motel away from his wife and daughter. *He decides to call home to speak to his wife;

"Hello?"
"Hello darling it's Daddy, you're up late."
"I couldn't sleep, because of the noise."
"What noise darling?"
"From Mommy's bedroom. The moaning and grunting."
"Moaning and grunting? Is Mommy okay?"
"Yes, she's always loud like that when you're away... I don't think she likes sharing the room with the AC guy."
"The AC guy! Mommy's shares the room with the AC guy when I'm away on business?"
"Yes; all the time."
"Okay darling, this is what I want you to do: Go upstairs, and shout through the door that Daddy's home early, you can see my car pulling into the drive. Then come and tell me what Mommy does."

The business man listens as he hears a flurry of screaming, shouting and commotion.

"Hello?"
"Good girl darling, what happened?"
"Well Mommy screamed, the AC guy said a very rude word then tried to climb through the window naked; but he caught his weewee on something and it tore off as he fell into the garden; I think he hit his head really hard, cause when Mommy went outside she screamed she thought he was dead! Then she slipped on his blood, and fell into the swimming pool; and Mommy can't even swim!"
"Ha! well it serves them both righ.... wait; swimming pool? this is 555-263-764?"
"...no."
"Fiona?"
"No, Daddy, it's me Abbie."
"...---------------------------------------------------"
"Daddy?"
 
Cody is REALLY dumb !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

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SAD NEWS - Please join me in remembering yet another great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes
 
My dad works for the government. He came home today, and informed me the budget was being cut for defense.

I said, "There's nothing wrong with defense, we should concentrate more on dehouse and degarden"
 
The wife asked me to clean the lounge today, so I flicked the duster around for a few minutes then sat down with a beer.

"Was that the plan?" she said icily. "Do such a bad job that you never get asked again?"

"Yep!" I replied. "Pretty much the same as your sex plan. Cheers."
 
After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Jerry remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell ***** on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times & on top of that gargled 1 litre of Listerine.

As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, Jerry opened his mouth wide.

The dentist got close enough & said, "Man, did you have 69 before you came here"? "Why"? Jerry asked, "Does my breath smells like *****"?

"No" The dentist replied, "But your forehead smells like shit." :p
 
My misses sent me shopping today. She told me to go and buy something that'll make her look sexy.

I came back with 2 litres of whiskey and 3 cases of beer!
 
I was recently talking to my Japanese friend about his new job, he informed me that due to certain dangers at work he had a yellow helmet at all times.
I naturally assumed he was a builder or a fireman, turns out he works in the Fukushima powerplant and his genitals are now glowing. :rolleyes:
 
Apple's next overpriced & unnecessary product will be dedicated to those people who stand in queues for hours just to get one...

It's called the iDiot. :D
 
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"S
 
Bought my son an iPad, my daughter an iPod. The wife got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't overjoyed, even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network. This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped out the iShag function.
 
A feminist visits Kabul just after the fall of the Taliban and is not pleased to find that women must walk 5 paces behind their men.

A year later she was delighted when she returned to find that men now walk 20 paces behind their women.

She asked the interpreter " What brought about these changes"

He replied "Land mines!" :rolleyes:
 
What do you call a Japanese car thief?
Tommy Tuckamoto


I remember my previous life as a sheep, it was tough, I was left outside in all weathers, then I finally get some shelter in a barn and they cut my nice warm coat off, then I was killed and eaten :(
Could've been worse though, the sheep who live in Africa got used as tampons for elephants :eek: :eek:


I saw an advertising board on the way to work this morning that read "Future Events."
I assume it's a sign of things to come.
 
dan330 said:
whats worse?

us sitting here.. while he has 2 hot bitches at the beach! :mad:
Click to expand...

Worse for him, look closely at he last photo, she is reeaallllly trying not to laugh :D :D

Besides, at the moment it's too cold for the beach here, only thing you'd see are (feathered) birds, specifically blue tits. :D :D
 
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