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Android Forums's 100 Laughs

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started
screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a
frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty, except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
 
My wife shouted upstairs, "The sun's just come out."
I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs.
I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.
 
My girlfriend was reading in a magazine that men are attracted to women that resemble their mothers. She said, "You've never told me about your parents, what was your mother like?"

I said, "I don't remember them. They died when our plane crashed in Africa when I was 6 months old, I survived and was raised by a Hippo." :)
 
Bill and Ted are in a cafe. Ted lights up a smoke and get's kicked out for it. Bill shouts at him, "You're a dick Ted!".
Ted replies, "No I'm not I can quit whenever I want!" :rolleyes:
 
Me and my girlfriend have a great relationship.
We never stop talking to each other about things, and we both like things the other has to say, which is always good in a great relationship.
We send gifts to each other, the other day she sent me a cake, she's so lovely!
We do lots of things together, we bowl against each other, we like to do things at a local farm and help each other out, which any great couple would do.
We even like to hot it up a bit, like just the other day I was poking her for over an hour.

I love Facebook. :p :p
 
A man bursts into his house and shouts, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"
 
Japanese police arrested 100 Al Quaeda members who were waving and flapping outside the stricken nuclear plant in Fukushima. Apparently they were trying to acquire Nuclear arms :p :eek:
 
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Oh, aye.", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Scotland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "Oh, aye? I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland." "Oh, aye!", replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?" "Aberdeen", comes the reply. "I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen, too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen!" "Oh, aye!", replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!" About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacGregor twins are drunk again."
 
Constipation cure ? :o :o
 

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My missus kept hinting that I might need to measure her finger size for her birthday gift...

I'm already one step ahead of her, I've got her those gloves where one size fits all :p
 
I walked past the fridge today and thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song.
When I opened the fridge, I saw it was just a Chive Talking.
I asked the Chive if it wanted to be an onion and it said "No thanks, I'm staying a Chive, Staying a Chive, Ah Ah Ah Ah Staying a Chive...
 
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