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Android Forums's 100 Laughs

Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.

Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".
 
I probably shouldn't have driven home from the pub last night...
Especially as I walked there in the first place.


Wife: If i get fat and ugly will you still be with me?
Husband starts laughing
Wife: What??
Husband: Im still here aren't I? :rolleyes:


Sometimes l question my sanity - occasionally it replies :(


Been up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia. :confused:
 
When I worked for the postal service, at one house a big dog came growling at me, a woman opened the window, and called out, "You'll be OK, just kick his balls..."

So I gave the mutt an almighty boot in the bollocks, dropping it to the ground.

"No, no!" she shouted, "The ones on the front garden"
 
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. Who is it that you are mourning? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
 
The new Nintendo 3Ds doesn't work with only one eye open. Looks like they're really cracking down on pirates now. :p
 
funnyantitheftsigns2-300x250.jpg


funnyantitheftsigns4-300x201.jpg


the rest of them: funny anti-theft signs from funny pictures site
 
A man was so intent on marrying a virgin he came up with a test.
Over the years he took hundreds of girls to make out point. Each time he pulled out his dick and asked "Do you know what this is?" Each time the girls said "Sure, that's a dick"

The man would then promptly take them home and never talk to them again.
After 10 years he had all but given up hope. Then one day, after meeting a cute young librarian, and driving her to make point, he pulled his dick out asked, "Do you know what this is?"
The young girl said, "OH MY, I have no clue what that is."

So after a very short courtship, He and the librarian were married. That night on their honeymoon, he sat his nervous young bride on the bed, pulled out his dick and said to her, "This sweetheart is a dick."

To which she replied, "no it isn't honey, a dick is much much longer" :D
 
I recently decided to sign up to one of those dating websites.
To preserve my dignity I signed up using a fake name.
I then went on to enter the description of the woman I was looking for and to my luck, I was instantly given a perfect match.
We got talking and after a few weeks decided to go on a date. I arrived early at the restaurant and sat down eager in anticipation to meet the woman who seemed just too good to be true.
I was nervously playing with the silverware when I see my own mother stroll through the door.
Obviously, I didn't want my date to arrive to see me chatting away with my mother so I quickly took a dive to the bathroom.
As I watched through the keyhole, to my horror - she takes a seat at my reserved table and a whole hour passes before she leaves.
I guess it's just lucky my date didn't show up, that could have been awkward.
 
hexpert said:
I recently decided to sign up to one of those dating websites.
To preserve my dignity I signed up using a fake name.
I then went on to enter the description of the woman I was looking for and to my luck, I was instantly given a perfect match.
We got talking and after a few weeks decided to go on a date. I arrived early at the restaurant and sat down eager in anticipation to meet the woman who seemed just too good to be true.
I was nervously playing with the silverware when I see my own mother stroll through the door.
Obviously, I didn't want my date to arrive to see me chatting away with my mother so I quickly took a dive to the bathroom.
As I watched through the keyhole, to my horror - she takes a seat at my reserved table and a whole hour passes before she leaves.
I guess it's just lucky my date didn't show up, that could have been awkward.
Click to expand...


man, you are sooo stupid!!!
dont you get it??

your mom was your date!! how sad!
Floyd would say you have a mother complex... dude get a life!
 

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
 
Man this is is some party
 

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Morning after the party
 

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My girlfriend said to me, "The other day, whilst you were drunk, you told me that you had sex with my sister. Were you lying?"
I said, "No, in the shower." :eek:


I smiled when I found my young son using my razor.
My wife was fuming. It was only after he'd shaved off one of her eyebrows that she woke up.



If you see someone just randomly removing their headphones on the bus or the train, you can be pretty sure they're gauging how loud their fart is :D
 
BREAKING NEWS FOR DOG OWNERS

Due to popular demand, and following extensive research to perfect the product, dog food companies will be releasing a new flavour of dog food.

They expect postmans leg to be the most popular flavour ever sold. :D
 
There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp.
The genie came out and said, "Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."

The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said,

"Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish.

"Genie,I want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says, "You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy says, "Yeah, yeah. I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says "

I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"
 
The wife shouted, "You complete idiot, you're saying you just got sacked for headbutting a french visitor who kissed you on both cheeks?"

"Yep, he was nothing but a perverted french frog!" I replied.

"But what he did is just a traditional european greeting!" she continued.

"Not when I'm tying my shoelaces it isn't!"
 
My suggestion of running a 'spot the ball' competition as a fund raiser, didn't go down too well on the testicular cancer ward.


The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard, which is a shame because there was no one there to tell your Dad not to splash your Mum before you were conceived. :p


Seven million women employees are suing Wal-mart claiming men are better paid.
Wal-mart have hired a team of female lawyers to defend Wal-mart because they could get them cheaper


Girl: What colour are my eyes?
Guy: 34C


Putting a pin through all of my best friends condoms seemed like a good idea at the time.
Backfired though when I found out my wife is pregnant. :eek:


I got a call from my sons school today.
"Your son has defaced school property by writing 'teachers are dumb' on a desk in permanent marker. Please explain why."
I sighed and said,
"Because it would have come off if he'd used non-permanent." :D


My wife told me that today is opposite day. For one whole day we swap each others jobs and do them. Well I told her she can forget that idea. I'm not doing the ironing and washing the dishes whilst she's away shagging my best friend! :p


I got home the other night, dropped my trousers and showed my daughter my meat and two veg.
She giggled and winked at me.
I know it's wrong to shoplift but we were both hungry. :p
 
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