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Android Forums's 100 Laughs

My blonde 42 DD neighbour sent round a planning officer to discuss my objection to an outdoor jacuzzi and sauna at her property.

"But Mr Smith," he said, "it's being located behind 4 trees, a garage and an 8ft fence, anywhere else and you'd have an open view of it."

"Exactly!" :p
 
Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a pint of blood," said one. "I'll have a pint of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..." :rolleyes:
 
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dogs they are adopted?


Apple have just released a new gadget that does the ironing the washing up it washes clothes , cooks all meals and cleans the house ...
...they called it iWife


Was watching 'The worlds smallest man' when the commentator said " Edwards dreams have been out of reach most of his life..."
Pretty obvious considering he is the worlds smallest man


My wife walked into the kitchen tonight, and caught me kissing the dog's butt.
She said, "What the hell are you doing?"
I said, "Practice run for when I greet your mother tomorrow."
 
Cookie sales increase
 

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The government today announced that it's changing it's emblem to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

It just doesn't get more accurate than that!:cool:
 
I think my dog eats better than I do.
Sadly the wife agrees and says his big furry ears tickle her thighs too.


I've just been robbed by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Though ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask so I don't know which one it was
 
One ring to rule them all,
One ring to find them,
One ring to bring them all
And, in the darkness bind, them.

Ironic that the "One Ring" that has the ability to bind mankind in darkness and bring nothing but pain and misery to the world looks suspiciously like a wedding ring.
 
The old saying goes, "All things are difficult before they are easy".
A proverb that proves that women are backwards...!


A car salesman asked me, "What are you looking for in a car?"
I said, "It has to be affordable"
He said, "I'm sorry sir, I've never heard of a Ford Ibble."


Some people are comfort eaters. They eat until their butt looks like a bean-bag. :rolleyes:


Define irony: a blind person in ICU? :p


I'm always gettting Inches & Centimeters mixed up.
No wonder the girls laugh when I show them my foot long.


Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and you just don't know enough about baseball to come up with a punchline :(
 
Two long jokes:

A priest was walking in the forest when he meets a large bear. The priest tries to run away, but tripped over a branch and ended up twisting his ankle. As the bear descended upon him, he closed his eyes and prayed "Dear God, please make this bear a believer". When he opened his eyes, he found the bear kneeling on the forest ground, muttering "Dear Father in Heaven, I thank you for this delicious meal..."



Three man are sleep side by side in a tent. They are all naked because the temperature inside the tent was too hot. The next morning when they woke up, the man on the left said "Dude, I had an amazing dream last night, I dreamed that some hot chick had sex with me." The guy on the right said "Holy ****. I had a similar dream. Was he a brunette?" The guy in the middle said "That's weird. Last night I dreamt that I went skiiing."


Now for some shorter ones:

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice.

What's worst then two babies in one trash can? One baby in two trash can.

What do you call a blind reindeer? No-i-dea.
 
Don't know if this one was already posted but here it is anyways:

An elderly man finally retired. After a few days of sitting around relaxing, golfing, and fishing, he became bored. So he thought of things that he always wanted to do. It was his life long dream to buy a Corvette. So he goes to the dealership and buys a brand new Corvette. As he pulls off the lot, he decides to see what the car can really do and punches it. He hits 100 when he flies by a cop and the cop quickly follows and turns his lights on. The old man just kept his foot down and eventually hit 140 when he thought, "I'm too old to be doing this" and pulled over. The cop runs up and shouts, "I'm 15 minutes over my shift already, if you give me an excuse I've never heard I'll let you go with a warning." The old man replied, "long ago my wife ran off with a police man...I thought you were trying to bring her back." The cop replied, "have a nice day sir."
 
ParishL31 said:
Don't know if this one was already posted but here it is anyways:

An elderly man finally retired. After a few days of sitting around relaxing, golfing, and fishing, he became bored. So he thought of things that he always wanted to do. It was his life long dream to buy a Corvette. So he goes to the dealership and buys a brand new Corvette. As he pulls off the lot, he decides to see what the car can really do and punches it. He hits 100 when he flies by a cop and the cop quickly follows and turns his lights on. The old man just kept his foot down and eventually hit 140 when he thought, "I'm too old to be doing this" and pulled over. The cop runs up and shouts, "I'm 15 minutes over my shift already, if you give me an excuse I've never heard I'll let you go with a warning." The old man replied, "long ago my wife ran off with a police man...I thought you were trying to bring her back." The cop replied, "have a nice day sir."
Click to expand...

Already been posted. :D
 
Whilst my wife's coffin was being lowered into the ground at her funeral, we all threw a little something on top of it, for her to take to the grave with her.
I threw a hand grenade in, just to be sure. :)


I tried to send my girlfriend a picture of my p ~~~~ today but my phone alerted me "Recipient may not be able to receive files this large".
That's a nice boost for my confidence, anyway. :D :D :D


According to their site "105 People leave Match.com every week, because we paired them up together."
Can I just ask, why is it an odd number? :confused: :confused:


I was feeling ill one day and phoned my boss to tell him I could'nt go in to work..
" OK, little tip for you.. whenever im ill I shag my wife and I feel better instantly, try that! "
2 hours later i was feeling much better and phoned him to say thanks for the advice and to say what a lovely soft mattress he had. :eek:


I'm selling a stalking kit on eBay,
It's got six people watching it...


What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls and ceiling?
Rick O'Shea


Read about an interesting court case yesterday
A prostitute was divorcing her dwarf husband for always sticking his nose in her business. :p



"You are what you eat" I guess that sums up why I'm such a p**** then



The cost of living has certainly gone up .
My wife shags me now, because she cant afford new batteries



When I was a young boy the local Vicar called Virgil asked me if i wanted to earn some pocket money by doing some gardening at the Church.
I agreed to do it and after a full day of mowing the lawns, trimming the hedges and sweeping up leaves I was totally knackered.
The Vicar came up to me afterwards and gave me a fiver, and I said "Thank you Virgin", "The name is Virgil" replied the Vicar , and I said "I know a tight c*** when I see one" ;) ;) ;)


I was driving along the other day when a policeman pulled me over for speeding.
"Do you have any excuse for going that fast?" He asked.
"Yeah, I was going to the Policeman's ball!" I replied.
"What are you talking about?" He asked "Policemen don't have balls!"
The look on his face was priceless. :D :D :D :D :D
 
Q. What's the similarities between having sex and doing a bungee jump.
A. If the rubber snaps you're :eek: :eek:



I was visiting my wife in hospital because she has a leg wound.
The doctor said, "Can you describe what happened please."
I said, "Well, she got shot."
He said, "You'll have to be more accurate."
I said, "I know, but I'm not very experienced with guns."



My five year old boy just played Mozarts Requiem on the piano without putting a foot wrong.
I gave him a slap and said, "Stop showing off use your hands"
 
My wife was really excited because she has just won a makeover.
"It's just like that show on Channel 4!" she beamed.
"Scrapheap Challenge?" I asked.


I only have vague memories of my childhood, although I remember very clearly falling off my bike and impaling my head on the branch of a tree.
That sort of thing sticks in your brain.


My sexy 18 year old neighbour's such an exhibitionist.
Every time I get my binoculars out... there she is.


Just finished off my living room, took it from a woodchip covered dive to perfect painted walls and a wall mounted TV, took awhile but at least I'll know how to do it next time...
...hire a decorator!


I had to stop my dog vs bird fights for money.. everyone seemed to think I wanted a blowjob when all I asked was Spitz or Swallow?


I'm sick of hearing my neighbours call me a pervert.
As soon as I've put this telescope and parabolic microphone away I'll be having words with them.
 
New Boots

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"
 
My wife asked me for my most memorable sex session since we were married.
I said "Wow, there's been loads - I can't really say."
"Why?" she smiled.
I hesitated. "Because none of them involved you."

A friend of mine rang me sobbing that her boyfriend has left her for man. I don't think she was happy with my choice of sympathetic word when I replied..."Aw, Bummer"


I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes.
We haven't done a gig yet.


Sadly, my first wife died fron eating poison mushrooms.
Even more sadly, my second wife didnt.


Alcohol doesn't agree with me ... it thinks my wife is attractive


My wife got home from work last night looking exhausted. I gave her a hug but must have looked concerned as she asked me what was the matter.
"You're tired," I replied, "but I can't work out which sort."
"What do you mean, which sort?"
"Michelin or Bridgestone, fatty."
 
I broke my Star Trek Mr Spock toy. After a few attempts to fix it I found that Vulcanizing Rubber Solution from a puncture repair kit does wonders for him!


I was so close to finishing my France poker tour, but I lost all my earnings in the last city...
I really hate Toulouse.


So, 77million peoples credit card details have been compromised as a result of the Sony breach.
It's the ApocalyPS3!
 
My obese wife died last night.
In her memory I am just about to eat a chocolate gateaux.
It's what she would've wanted.


Some yob attacked me down the local park last night with a bat.
I was impressed at how well he'd trained it.


The problem with jokes is that they always have a victim
The other night I was at a comedy show and this comedian tells a joke about Christopher Reeve
The man in the front row in a wheel chair was absolutely furious
The table of horses behind him found it hilarious!


The wife said she fancied getting hot, steamy, and wetter than ever in bed last night, so I told her to give me 5 minutes to prepare. She didn't seem to appreciate me throwing a full kettles water in her face...
Women. I'll never understand them.
 
I was at a party with some mates the other day and one of them said to me 'Is that the queue for the punch bowl over there?' So I went over to the queue to find out and was told that it was actually for the buffet and that the punch had all gone.
So as a result, there was no punch line.


I saw my brothers mate yesterday, I said
"You really shouldn't be doing that...you're brothers".


3 Girls sitting at a bar first says
I've had sex so many times i can fit a fist up there
The second says I've had sex so many times I can fit both fists up there
The third smiles cheekily and slides down the barstool.


My knees are swollen from too much foreplay with the wife.
Three hours of begging for sex will do that.


So why was cinderella crap at football?
Because she ran away from the ball? NO
Because she had a pumpkin as a coach? NO
It's because she was a woman.


BBC News: Nato strike 'kills Gaddafi's son'
That must have been one hell of a game of bowling.
 
I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's gran.
She's an animal in bed.

Prince William gets married, there's a new beautiful Princess, and the bad guy is dead! This is turning out to be a real Disney fairytale :D


The USA have reported the death of Bin Laden but I fear he may only be injured.
I've just seen a picture of him wearing a great big bandage around his head ;)


Bin Laden obviously has an iPhone that's been tracking his location :rolleyes:


Quote from Bin Ladens 43rd Wife
I did warn that I would tip off the Americans if I didn't get my child support by the end of April, AND the consequences would be severe !! :D :D :D


So Osama Bin Laden's death has been all over the news, but we all know that the worlds MOST influential terrorist has been dead for some time.
And living in Jeff Dunham's suitcase. :D :D :D


BBC News: Bin laden has been found and killed
That's what he gets when he uses his real adress on Playstation Network


Osama was found today: talk Abbotabad place to hide!


Apparently, Bin Laden had a 25 million dollar price tag on his head.
What kind of ridiculous, designer turban was he wearing?


The Irony !!
For the first time ever in the UK a bin was taken out on a Public Holiday


Not sure why Bin Laden was buried at sea.
Everybody knows that shit floats. ;)


10 Years they've been searching for Osama in a cave.
Finally someone decided to check his house. ;)


There once was a man called Osama
Who was causing a lot of world drama
He wouldnt behave so the US blew up his cave
And the credit all went to Obama. :p
 
Imagine how angry the loch ness monster must feel about losing his place as the biggest myth in the sea


Today they released pictures of the events going on in the white house during the Bin Laden mission.
They were busy watching Saw 7, and Hilary Clinton was caught stuffing popcorn in her face.


Saw in the newspaper this morning: "US now searching for Osama's number two"
Now, I know Pakistan isn't as sophisticated as our country but I think his sewage is long gone by now.


BBC News: Osama killed by two shots.
Lightweight. :)


Bin Laden should be about half way through his virgins by now.
His arse must be killing him.


Al-queda are reeling now their leader's been dumped in the ocean
They must be using a REALLY big fishing rod to get him out :p


DNA of Bin Laden has come back with a reading of 24% cocoa, 57% coconut, 18% sugar, and 6% milk.
Experts say this is due to the bounty on his head.


I recently invented a new cocktail drink.
2 shots followed by a large splash of water.
I call it the Bin Laden.


Apparently Osama's number two has been the brains behind Al Qaeda for some time now.
I wish my shit was that clever.





My oldest approached me today, and told me he was feeling suicidal.
I said, "Hang in there son", and pointed to the spare room.


My wife's almost finished knitting me a Willy Warmer,
It shouldn't be long


If quiters never win and winners never quit then who came up with the saying 'quit while you're ahead?'


My wife complained that I'm was always making sexist generalizations
Typical Woman. Always complaining.


I am proud to say that, earlier this week I shot dead the person who has brought the most terror and pain into this world.
Justin bieber didnt know what hit him!


Why do British girls like doggy-style?
Because they like watching football too.
 
Now that the American's have killed Bin Laden, police have started rounding up Islamic extremists.
So far they have caught Bin Stealing, Bin Mugging, Bin Dealing and Bin Hustling.
As yet though, there's no sign of Bin working.
 
DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat-while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously brain washed.
 
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