Grrr, why those pesky kids *waves stick*Middle age? Not hardly. Obviously written by a kid
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Android Forums's 100 Laughs
- Thread starter david1215e
- Start date
During some excavation work, a team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cave. They were very excited because the following 5 symbols were carved on one wall of the cave:
A woman
A donkey
A shovel
A fish
A Star of David
The archaeologists declared this a unique find. The carvings were thought to be at least three thousand years old. They carefully cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it in to the Tel Aviv Museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The chairman opened the meeting by pointing to the first symbol and saying:
"we can judge from the first symbol that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence is highlighted by the fish, which means that when their crops failed, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently Hebrew."
The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman' "
A woman
A donkey
A shovel
A fish
A Star of David
The archaeologists declared this a unique find. The carvings were thought to be at least three thousand years old. They carefully cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it in to the Tel Aviv Museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The chairman opened the meeting by pointing to the first symbol and saying:
"we can judge from the first symbol that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence is highlighted by the fish, which means that when their crops failed, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently Hebrew."
The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman' "
A rastafarian lorry driver pulls over at a cafe, walks in goes to the counter and makes his order. the owner hands the rasta 2 pieces of bread with a can of beer between them, the rasta looks at him oddly and turns 2 leave, just as he gets outside a customer comes out the cafe and asks him whats going on with his sandwich, the rasta replies " me dont know man me just order a beer ... can ...sandwich .
I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."
He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."
I said, "You do now."
I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."
He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."
I said, "You do now."
ardchoille
Android Expert
@Rillus at CERN they've been experimenting with a machine to smash atoms of pineapple, rum and coconut together. They call it the pina collider 
My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.
She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.
She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles.
"Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, the pub, porn. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life.
If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."
I was dumbfounded.
Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?
I had to throw my cooker out the other day...
Caught her cheating on me.
I'm just a farm labourer, but when girls ask what I do,
I find 'Farm assist' sounds better.
MSN News: "Cheryl Cole 1.2 million pound gagging deal."
Not that I could afford it, but it seems like great value.
I sat there with a smile on my face as my girlfriend wrapped her hand around it and started to tug at it. An even bigger smile when she gave it a little wiggle and started moving it around. I couldn't contain myself when she started using two hands, so I eventually laughed out:
"Here love, I'll change gear for you".
My brain is like a sponge; If you leave it by the side of the bath too long it'll dry out.
She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.
She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles.
"Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, the pub, porn. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life.
If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."
I was dumbfounded.
Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?
I had to throw my cooker out the other day...
Caught her cheating on me.
I'm just a farm labourer, but when girls ask what I do,
I find 'Farm assist' sounds better.
MSN News: "Cheryl Cole 1.2 million pound gagging deal."
Not that I could afford it, but it seems like great value.
I sat there with a smile on my face as my girlfriend wrapped her hand around it and started to tug at it. An even bigger smile when she gave it a little wiggle and started moving it around. I couldn't contain myself when she started using two hands, so I eventually laughed out:
"Here love, I'll change gear for you".
My brain is like a sponge; If you leave it by the side of the bath too long it'll dry out.
Skorpios1027
Frell me dead
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff's wife in the shower.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff's wife in the shower.
ninja_reject
Android Enthusiast
I bet Jehovah's Witnesses have some good knock knock jokes...
Actions speak louder than words.
What about sign language?
I loved growing up with a dyslexic father.
Whenever I swore, he'd wash my mouth out with soup.
I said, "I'm sorry. I just can't get it up."
My wife said, "Call yourself a man?"
I said, "I don't think he'd be able to help either."
I invited my girlfriend round for dinner last night.
When she arrived she went into the kitchen and said,
"The oven's not on. You haven't even cooked anything."
I said, "Why do you think I invited you?"
My wife said I was lazy and she'd leave if I didn't change.
So today to prove her wrong. I've cooked dinner, fed the fish, fixed the T.V, cleaned the bathroom and even weeded the plants. Now I'm quite bored of playing The Sims and think I'll relax with a few beers.
I don't tell sexist jokes at parties any more.
They're too complicated for women.
When I was a kid, me and my girlfriend decided to make a camp in the woods.
We never did actually make one, but we did have sex and she fell pregnant.
18 years later and our son has just announced he is gay.
So it seems that we did make a camp in the woods after all.
Actions speak louder than words.
What about sign language?
I loved growing up with a dyslexic father.
Whenever I swore, he'd wash my mouth out with soup.
I said, "I'm sorry. I just can't get it up."
My wife said, "Call yourself a man?"
I said, "I don't think he'd be able to help either."
I invited my girlfriend round for dinner last night.
When she arrived she went into the kitchen and said,
"The oven's not on. You haven't even cooked anything."
I said, "Why do you think I invited you?"
My wife said I was lazy and she'd leave if I didn't change.
So today to prove her wrong. I've cooked dinner, fed the fish, fixed the T.V, cleaned the bathroom and even weeded the plants. Now I'm quite bored of playing The Sims and think I'll relax with a few beers.
I don't tell sexist jokes at parties any more.
They're too complicated for women.
When I was a kid, me and my girlfriend decided to make a camp in the woods.
We never did actually make one, but we did have sex and she fell pregnant.
18 years later and our son has just announced he is gay.
So it seems that we did make a camp in the woods after all.
noah way
Android Enthusiast
BRAVE MAN JOKES ---
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% ...
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% ...
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
