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Android Forums's 100 Laughs
- Thread starter david1215e
- Start date
I was driving home the other day when all of a sudden the car swerved.
I hit the kerb full on, the car span in the air a full 360,
I smashed into a lampost, 2 cars and then took out a post box.
As I struggled to get out of the wreckage a policeman came up to me and said 'Are you drunk sir?'
I said 'do I look like a woman driver?'
I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"
"Miaow!"
"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"
"Woof woof!"
"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"
"David, if you even think about going out to that pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"
That's my boy.
I hit the kerb full on, the car span in the air a full 360,
I smashed into a lampost, 2 cars and then took out a post box.
As I struggled to get out of the wreckage a policeman came up to me and said 'Are you drunk sir?'
I said 'do I look like a woman driver?'
I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"
"Miaow!"
"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"
"Woof woof!"
"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"
"David, if you even think about going out to that pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"
That's my boy.
Frisco
=Luceat Lux Vestra=
Skorpios1027
Frell me dead
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill Gates's comments, Ford issued a press release, stating:
'If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash......... twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
(I love the next one!!!)
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as in the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
In response to Bill Gates's comments, Ford issued a press release, stating:
'If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash......... twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
(I love the next one!!!)
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as in the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
cds0699
Android Expert
LOL, I've done this one before for fun, she wasn't amused when she found out.
Our bands songs are about saving water.
We are called The Hosepipe band
My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"
I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to a pulp, the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."
We are called The Hosepipe band
My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"
I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to a pulp, the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."
G.Armour
You know you want to.
Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom...
My wife has been missing since she took the dog for a walk yesterday lunchtime.
I'm starting to really worry about what's happend to her, she could be trapped or injured somewhere or, worse still, someone could have taken her and she might be in danger.
If anyone can help, her name is Roxy, she's a Labrador puppy and she has a name tag.
I went up to a group of girls and told a them a chemistary joke
I didn't get a reaction
An official statement from the Vatican today reported that American priests are resigning in large numbers and taking up positions within the TSA, citing "better opportunities."
I'm starting to really worry about what's happend to her, she could be trapped or injured somewhere or, worse still, someone could have taken her and she might be in danger.
If anyone can help, her name is Roxy, she's a Labrador puppy and she has a name tag.
I went up to a group of girls and told a them a chemistary joke
I didn't get a reaction
An official statement from the Vatican today reported that American priests are resigning in large numbers and taking up positions within the TSA, citing "better opportunities."
NowVoyager
Android Enthusiast
A guy sees a gorgeous lady checkin' him out. She looks him up and down from head to toe and exclaims:
Ooh *wee* you have such big hands! And oh my *goodness* you have HUGE feet!!! You must be...
A Clown! :/ #everybody'sacomedian
Ooh *wee* you have such big hands! And oh my *goodness* you have HUGE feet!!! You must be...
A Clown! :/ #everybody'sacomedian
Taken from the spammer i just banned from this thread, LOL
Guy goes into a pub and asks for a treble whiskey which he downs in one and asks for another which he also downs in one.
As he's pouring the next the barman says to the guy, "Seems to me your very unhappy."
The guy says, "You don't know how unhappy I am. I got home early from work and found my wife making love to my best friend."
"Damm, what did you do?"
"Well, I sat him down and said.................................you bad dog!"
As he's pouring the next the barman says to the guy, "Seems to me your very unhappy."
The guy says, "You don't know how unhappy I am. I got home early from work and found my wife making love to my best friend."
"Damm, what did you do?"
"Well, I sat him down and said.................................you bad dog!"
NowVoyager
Android Enthusiast
A guy finds an elderly gentleman on a park bench crying. He walks over to him and asks, "What's the matter sir, are you okay?"
Crying old man: I have a young wife. She is gorgeous! She adores me and makes love passionately with me like crazy, all the time.
Young guy: Wow! I wish it were me!!! What's wrong with that???!!!
Crying Old Man: I can't remember where I live!
Crying old man: I have a young wife. She is gorgeous! She adores me and makes love passionately with me like crazy, all the time.
Young guy: Wow! I wish it were me!!! What's wrong with that???!!!
Crying Old Man: I can't remember where I live!
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
cds0699
Android Expert
lol
G.Armour
You know you want to.
3 men were on death row for crimes of murder. The warden came by to ask each man what he wanted for their last meal. The first man says "I want a big juicy steak with mashed potatoes and gravy" The second man says "I want a grilled salmon with rice." Finally, the third man says, "Hmm, I want a big bowl of strawberries. Nothing but strawberries." The warden replies "What? Strawberries are out of season." To which the man replies, "That's ok, I'll wait."
Paddy goes on a talent show claiming he can count as quick as lightning.
The host of the show sits him down in front of a swarm of ants in a glass case.
"You have 30 seconds to count these ants," he says, "starting NOW."
"3,138," says Paddy after one second.
"Wow! That's correct!" says the host. "How on earth did you do that?"
"Easy," says Paddy, "I counted the legs and divided by six."
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with non-existant characters, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth fairy etc.
Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that anymore, thank God.
I've been looking for a way to tell my wife she's fat without sounding abusive. So on her birthday, I bought her a treadmill
The host of the show sits him down in front of a swarm of ants in a glass case.
"You have 30 seconds to count these ants," he says, "starting NOW."
"3,138," says Paddy after one second.
"Wow! That's correct!" says the host. "How on earth did you do that?"
"Easy," says Paddy, "I counted the legs and divided by six."
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with non-existant characters, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth fairy etc.
Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that anymore, thank God.
I've been looking for a way to tell my wife she's fat without sounding abusive. So on her birthday, I bought her a treadmill
G.Armour
You know you want to.
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the warmth that came from the others. This way they were able to survive. Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities........The real moral of the story is that you HAVE TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE.
NowVoyager
Android Enthusiast
Never forget that you are unique, just like everybody else!
At a local Winery sellers, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the warehouse wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, "It's a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in large old barrels. Low grade but acceptable." "That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, new oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires
three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."
A third glass...
''It's a non-vintage pinot champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the warehouse wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, "It's a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in large old barrels. Low grade but acceptable." "That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, new oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires
three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."
A third glass...
''It's a non-vintage pinot champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."