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Android Forums's 100 Laughs

BBC News "Irene heading for New York"
Well thanks for that BBC. You've just ruined my wife's surprise 50th birthday trip.


Wife: Chris! Wake up Chris, I think I heard someone downstairs, go and check it out for me.
Husband: What? Why do I have to go and check?
Wife: Because you're the man of the house and you always brag about how tough you are, now go and prove it for God's sake!
Husband: Well, I'm not going. So you're going to have to do it yourself.
Wife: Chris! What about the children!?
Husband: That's a brilliant idea! Which one should we send?


I once had a cat called Lenin.
It got diarrhea so I renamed hjm Trotsky


A young man once went to stay with his aunt and uncle on a farm.
One morning they went downstairs to find the young boy drinking a large glass of milk.
"I took the liberty of milking the cow this morning. It took me quite a few tugs on the udder but in the end the milk squirted out like a hose pipe!"
To which the uncle replied "We dont have a cow... We have a bull"


My first wife left me because she said I'm obsessed with computers.
I'm not too bothered though. She was a complete CTRL freak anyway and never gave me the SPACE I needed, always keeping TABS on me. I told her to DEL me on Facebook. I'm actually lucky, it's almost like an ESC for me; I can ENTER the world of single life again. I think the SHIFT in lifestyle will do me good.
 
I passed a guy on the street yesterday, when suddenly he stopped me and asked, "Hey buddy, would you like to buy a toothbrush for $20?" I told the guy he was nuts. No toothbrush is worth that much. The guy looked like his feelings were hurt. He then asked if I wanted to buy a homemade brownie for 5¢.
I felt bad for the guy so I bought one and took a bite. It tasted awful. I spit it out, and told him it tasted like poop. "It is!" He replied, "do you wanna buy a toothbrush?"
 
A six-year-old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry," the Mother says. "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says,"Now she knows."
 
Did you know that when we're first conceived we're all genetically female?

And then, only 48% of us receive the necessary nutrients to develop into a fully functional human being. :p
 
hexpert said:
Did you know that when we're first conceived we're all genetically female?

And then, only 48% of us receive the necessary nutrients to develop into a fully functional human being. :p
Click to expand...

Wait. Is this truth or a joke or serious? I can believe it. :)
 
A woman calls in for Tech Support because she was having problems with her screen.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
Tech support: ---fainted---
 
Steven58 said:
Wait. Is this truth or a joke or serious? I can believe it. :)
Click to expand...

Yeah, it takes a while before male features kick in during embryonic development. So we all start off as female - odd huh? It's a bit more complicated that than I believe, but yeah it's true.
 
Xyro said:
Yeah, it takes a while before male features kick in during embryonic development. So we all start off as female - odd huh? It's a bit more complicated that than I believe, but yeah it's true.
Click to expand...

I assure you. I was NEVER female. Every cell in my embryo was XY. I knew, even back then, not to be female. ;)
 
Prepared for a Date

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12-pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"
 
Steven58 said:
Wait. Is this truth or a joke or serious? I can believe it. :)
Click to expand...

It's the truth, but the image below makes me wonder just how true it still is :)
 

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Three men are up in a tree when a policeman sees them.

"What are you doing up there?

Come on men, get down. Let's not have any of you falling and getting hurt!"

The guys get down ... "Ok. Now, who are you?"

"Wow, what a memory! We are the dudes from the tree!"
 
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?, Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
 
Black Eyes

A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her rear end, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”
The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
 
Not sure 'bout this one. Hopefully won't get deleted.

Mods, delete if unacceptable
R-language disclaimer
Mans embarrassment.jpg
 
Dear parents,
Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin
Snow White lived with seven men
Pinnochio was constant liar
Robin Hood was a thief
Tarzan walked around without any clothes on
A stranger kissed Sleeping Beauty so she married him
Cinderella snuck out to attend a party
Pongo and Purdy took puppies which weren't theirs

So we turned out the way we did because of the type of films you bought for us to watch !!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) :) :)
 
Entries from actual Church Bulletins:


  1. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
  2. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
  3. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
  4. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
  5. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
  6. This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  7. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir
  8. Join us tonight for prayers, coffee and fresh beagles [SIZE=-2](S., who sent this, says the error was noticed and puppy-shaped cookies were served) [/SIZE]
 
Bedside Manners


Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.


"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"


"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
"I think you're bad luck."
 
A Chinese couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.

"That's disgusting!" shouts the girl.

"It's the dog," proclaims the guy.

"Don't blame him," she replies, "he was cooked perfectly."
 
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