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Android Forums's 100 Laughs

I saved my girlfriendss phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'.
Whenever she calls and I'm not around my wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger. :D :D :D


The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable.
Only the other day I opened a can of sardines,
I found it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.


"Your son just called me an old cow!" said my neighbour.
"That's disgraceful," I said.
"I keep telling him not to judge people by their appearance." :p
 
Let's make it more fun for the women, then.

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave; otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping..........
 
:D
 

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The four stages of life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.
 
Things Confucius Didn't Say:
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!
 
Ole and Sven were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Ole said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”
“What's dat den?” asks Sven.
“Send my lawn away to be mowed."
 
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman
 
hexpert said:
Sorry if I've offended you. That's not my intention.

One especially for the ladies:
Click to expand...
Thank you - and no offense taken, it's just very onesided sometimes - being female in the male-dominated tech world. I'm not totally alone, I know.....:o
 
My mate's dog has been trained to sniff drugs.
It's brilliant, he can even roll his own joint :eek:


I made a glue cake for the children's party
Just so I could say the immortal words.
"OK kids, get stuck in"
 
dmcduck said:
Things Confucius Didn't Say:
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!
Click to expand...
You forgot one:

He who go to bed with itchy butt-hole, wake up with stinky finger.
 
I got a new TV the other day and on the box it said
'BUILT IN ANTENNA'.
Anyone know where Antenna is?
Also is Antenna a town, a city, a country?
Because I can't find it, not even with google earth :eek:



My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
"I've just done sex education in school today dad! You lied to me!
You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I paused the film I was watching, looked in the eyes and said
"Oh believe me, he will, sweetheart, he will." ;)
 
I got kicked out of the dentist for using all the nitrous oxide.
Don't care, I had the last laugh. ;)


I just asked the missus if she fancied a quiet night in with
a takeaway, a bottle of wine and a good DVD.
"Yeah, that'd be lovely" she said.
Right then, that's her sorted.
I'm off down the pub. :p


My dog called for my assistance today.
At least I think he did, he shouted "Yelp!" :rolleyes:
 
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. ... Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: "I found the remote."
 
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if the town architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone. :p


Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station
There they saw pictures of the ten most wanted tacked to a bulletin board.
On the way out of the police station little Johnny said to the officer
"It was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."


One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,
'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir,d ivorced Barbie comes with: Kens Car, Kens House, Kens Boat, Kens Furniture, Kens Computer, and all of Kens Friends
 
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The cashier rang up $46.64 charges. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favour.
She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back same scenario!
I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one- get-one-free, ' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'

They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?. When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'

They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'

They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'

They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza place I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

They Walk Among Us
Before Sunday wine sales were legal, I tried to buy wine vinegar for a recipe on a Sunday.
Nothing I said would persuade the clerk to sell me the vinegar, to her it said wine on the label so no sale.

Yep, They Walk Among Us!


They Walk Among Us....and they Reproduce!
 
There's a poster outside my local supermarket that says,
'Baby Retailer Of The Year 2011'.
They never have any out on the shelves. :p


At the club Doorman says : Hi Jim ! How're you ?
Wife asks : How does he know you ?
Jim says : I play football with him.
Inside Barman says : the usual Jim ?
Jim says to Wife : he's on the darts team in my local.
Next a Lap Dancer says : Hi Jim ! Do you want the usual?
The wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi ..
Drivers says : "Hey Jimmy boy, you picked up an ugly one this time !" :rolleyes:


I've just text my wife:
'Just booked us a 5 day Mediterranean cruise. We go in 6 weeks time xxx'
She text back:
'Nice! But I wish it could be twice as long xxx'
So I just phoned the travel agents and changed it
Now we're going in 12 weeks time.


My wife said to me, "You remind me of a slinky."
I said, "Why? Because I'm flexible."
She said, "No, because it's fun to watch you fall down the stairs." :eek:
 
A blonde was at work one day with headphones on. Her boss came by and said, "I'm sorry, but we don't allow those here. You'll have to take them off."
A little while later, he came by and she had them on again. Once again, he told her that she had to take them off.
The next time he went by her desk, he found her on the floor, dead. Curious, he picked up the headphones and listened. This is what he heard: "Breathe in... breathe out. Breathe in...breathe out."
 
I couldnt believe it earlier when I somehow managed to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
With hindsight,they were pretty stupid names to give to my pet crocodile and cat.


A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..." :D
 
Three nuns died and went to heaven. They were met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who explained to them that they each had to answer a question in order to gain admittance. "Are you prepared for that?" he asked.
They said they were, and so St. Peter turned to the first nun and said, "Who was the first man?"
"Gee, that's an easy one," she replied. "Adam was the first man." The trumpets blared, the angels sang, the gates swung open, and she walked into heaven.
St. Peter turned to the second nun and asked, "Who was the first woman?"
"Gee, that's an easy one," she replied. "Eve was the first woman." The trumpets blared, the angels sang, the gates swung open, and she walked into heaven.
St. Peter turned to the third nun and asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
"Gee, that's a hard one," she said. The trumpets blared, the angels sang, the gates swung open...
 
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a th*t."
 
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