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Android Forums's 100 Laughs

A newly wed couple are reading the Sunday newspaper together and sharing headlines. The husband said: Can you believe this? He read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 20,000 to a man's 10,000. The new wife replied," That's because the wife has to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
 
I started chatting to this plump girl in a bar.

"Oh God," she moaned, "you smell gorgeous. What is it?"

I said, "Pies" :D
 
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Boy : Can I Touch ur Software.. ?
Girl : First.. Show me ur Hardware.
Boy : Should I install it in ur System..?
Girl : Cover it with AntiVirus and Then Install :rolleyes:



My mate suffered 75% burns to his face and arms last year and he just said to me, "What would you do if you looked like me?"

I said, "I'd pull on a T-Shirt and head down to the local crematorium and start shouting, "I demand a full refund!" :eek:




Roses are red
Violets are blue
Your sister's good looking
What happened to you!? :)
 
A husband and wife were laying in bed one night. The woman turns to her husband and says, "If I died, would you get remarried?"
Cautiously, the husband says, "Well, I suppose if I met the right person, I would probably get remarried."
The wife pushes forward and says, "If I died and you remarried, would you play golf with her?"
Still nervous about this conversation, he replies, "If I did remarry and she liked to play golf, yes, I suppose I would."
The wife says, "If I died and you remarried, and you played golf with your new wife, would you let her use my clubs?"
The husband blurts, "Of course not; she's left handed!"




I ran over my neighbor's cat last week. I went to her house to apologize and I said, "I'd like to replace the cat."
She said, "That's fine. But how are you at catching mice?"
 
You can fool some of the people all of the time. You can fool all of the people some of the time, But lil Mama's got your number!

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A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party. She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea her Mom came home. Dad made her Mom wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because he thought that she was "Just the cutest thing!"

Mom waited, and sure enough, here she comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet..."
 
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate.
 
A Blonde and a Brunette are in a bar when the nine o' clock news comes on the TV. They notice a story of a man who is close to jumping off a bridge.

Blonde: I bet he won't jump

Brunette: Okay I bet he does

So the shake hands and watch. Eventually the man jumps so the blonde hands the brunette the money.

Brunette: No it's fine your my friend

Blonde: Nope a bet's a bet take the money

Brunette: I know but I'd already seen this on the six o' clock news earlier

Blonde: So did I, I just didn't think he'd jump again :p
 
Man walking into bedroom sees wife packing a case.
He asks, "Where are you going?"
She replies, "I'm going to New York, I've heard prostitutes get $400 a time for what I do for free."
The man starts packing case.
Wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm coming to just to see how you are going to live on $800 a year."
 
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.


Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.


My wife said she needed some space
So I locked her outside :p


As I woke up on a Sunday morning, I rolled over and started to snuggle with the wife.
I nuzzled her ear and neck before pushing against her back.
"Is there something you'd like me to do for you?" she giggled.
"Yeah," I replied, "Make breakfast and bring it to me" ;)


My mate was the fittest person I knew.
He went to the gym 7 days a week.
Entered Ironman contests, he even did back to back marathons once.
Then one day he went for a jog in the park and BANG!
He met a girl, got married and now he's fat just like the rest of us. :rolleyes:


I'm 3.14159% sure that there is no God
It's just Pi in the sky


I got a strange text this evening from a number I didn't know.
I replied, "Who's this?"
I got a message back saying, "Your worst nightmare."
Which left me a bit baffled as she was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time.


My wife is going to start line dancing tomorrow.
I've wired the washing line to the mains. :p

The best things in life are free
So why does whiskey cost 30 quid a bottle ?:rolleyes:


BBC News: 'Police are investigating how a 4x4 Vauxhall Frontera vehicle ended up on a footpath close to the summit of Snowdon.'
Now I'm no detective, but I have a feeling it was probably driven there ;)
 
My wife came down the stairs, "Well done," she said, "Your daughter's up there in a right state."

"I was only trying to help," I said, "I know how much she misses that guinea pig."

"And you actually thought that making it into a glove puppet was a good idea?"
 
"Excuse me, do you sell deoderant?"
"Yes sir, would you like the ball type ?"
"No, the underarm type please" :eek:
 
If I was bulimic, I would always eat KFC.
Not only is it delicious, but there is a handy bucket left over when you have finished eating.
 
The wife said to me "we need to talk, I think your vanity is getting out of control"

I replied "sI love those sun glasses, I can see my whole face in them"
 
I cried myself to sleep every night for ten years
Then I found out that someone had stuffed my pillow with onions. :o
 
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