-
After 15+ years, we've made a big change: Android Forums is now Early Bird Club. Learn more here.
Android Forums's 100 Laughs
- Thread starter david1215e
- Start date
G.Armour
You know you want to.
When somebody ask if you're ticklish it doesn't matter if you say yes or no they are still going to touch you so you got to say something like "I have explosive diarrhea and the slightest touch will make it come out...........and yes I'm very ticklish"
I had to steal this..
I had to steal this..
What do you call a Chinese person who's never late?
Gray Tie Ming.
My neighbour looked over the garden fence and asked, "What was that washing powder you gave me?"
"Vanish," I replied.
"Well it really works," she said. "My panties have disappeared off the line."
I thought I had double vision as a child
Then I was told by my mum it was actually my twin brother.
When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.
After a while, my mum said, "Just use a spoon. You're not really a Jedi."
I thought I'd try some French dressing at lunchtime today.
I don't think a striped jumper and beret looks good on me.
Gray Tie Ming.
My neighbour looked over the garden fence and asked, "What was that washing powder you gave me?"
"Vanish," I replied.
"Well it really works," she said. "My panties have disappeared off the line."
I thought I had double vision as a child
Then I was told by my mum it was actually my twin brother.
When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.
After a while, my mum said, "Just use a spoon. You're not really a Jedi."
I thought I'd try some French dressing at lunchtime today.
I don't think a striped jumper and beret looks good on me.
NowVoyager
Android Enthusiast
A husband reads in a book : "You are the man of your house"! So he storms to his wife and announces - "From now on you need to know I'm the man of the house. My word is LAW. You WILL cook & clean for me.You WILL go upstairs & give me the kind of sex I want. Afterwards , you WILL draw me a bath, wash my back & massage my feet. Oh, & guess who's going to dress me & comb my hair in the morning?..
The wife replied, "A funeral director would be my 1st guess".
The wife replied, "A funeral director would be my 1st guess".
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger. Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been in here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger. Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been in here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
NowVoyager
Android Enthusiast
Why Jack and Jill are no longer friends.
Jill: "I've just come from the beauty parlor!"
Jack: "It was closed, huh?"
Jack was admitted to General Hospital. His wounds are expected to heal.
Jill: "I've just come from the beauty parlor!"
Jack: "It was closed, huh?"
Jack was admitted to General Hospital. His wounds are expected to heal.
G.Armour
You know you want to.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said '"I have a question for you now." "If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop... one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone... which one is married?"' "Well," said the teacher nervously," "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said little Johnny. "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
NowVoyager
Android Enthusiast
a little church humor...
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Comic Sans,Times New Roman]A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Comic Sans,Times New Roman]A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"[/FONT]
NowVoyager
Android Enthusiast
Nothing is exempt from funny...not even Tech Support:
Frisco
=Luceat Lux Vestra=
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A man went skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seemed like days, he was ready to go. Excited, he jumped out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Still nothing.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]He started to panic, but remembered his back-up chute. He pulled that cord. Nothing happened. He frantically began yanking both cords to no avail.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Suddenly he looked down, and he couldn't believe his eyes. Another man was in the air with him, but this guy was going up! Just as the other guy passed by, the skydiver yelled, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The other guy yelled back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"[/FONT]
NowVoyager
Android Enthusiast
Ethernet 👎: something used to catch the etherbunny
A peeping tom got arrested watching my wife undress through our bedroom window last night
Apparently the police heard him screaming "my eyes, my eyes"
I went up to this fat girl last night.
"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.
"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.
I said "Salad tastes nice."
I got dressed and went to the club. This girl comes up to me complaining about my cologne.
" Oh my god, that smells horrible, what on earth is it ? "
I said " ugly witch repellent and it seems to be working."
My friend was complaining to me about how his son has never been the same since he fell through the trap-door at the theatre.
"Don't worry" I said, "it's just a stage he's going through."
Apparently the police heard him screaming "my eyes, my eyes"
I went up to this fat girl last night.
"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.
"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.
I said "Salad tastes nice."
I got dressed and went to the club. This girl comes up to me complaining about my cologne.
" Oh my god, that smells horrible, what on earth is it ? "
I said " ugly witch repellent and it seems to be working."
My friend was complaining to me about how his son has never been the same since he fell through the trap-door at the theatre.
"Don't worry" I said, "it's just a stage he's going through."
BBC News "An Austrian has become the first woman to reach all 14 Himalayan summits"
Her husband has said "She is over the moon."
I think someone should tell her to stop walking
I was chatting to my mate Dave in his section of our large open-plan office about evolution. I told him that we've actually got a lot in common with Meerkats.
He replied, "Humans are nothing at all like Meerkats."
Then the new secretary bent over to drink from the water fountain. We both watched heads pop up from behind every desk and Dave said, "...I see what you mean, mate."
Her husband has said "She is over the moon."
I think someone should tell her to stop walking
I was chatting to my mate Dave in his section of our large open-plan office about evolution. I told him that we've actually got a lot in common with Meerkats.
He replied, "Humans are nothing at all like Meerkats."
Then the new secretary bent over to drink from the water fountain. We both watched heads pop up from behind every desk and Dave said, "...I see what you mean, mate."
NowVoyager
Android Enthusiast
The Frog and the Engineer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I`ll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I`ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I`m a beautiful princess, that I`ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won`t you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I`m an engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that`s cool."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I`ll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I`ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I`m a beautiful princess, that I`ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won`t you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I`m an engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that`s cool."
NowVoyager
Android Enthusiast
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
I took the key and manually unlocked the door.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
I took the key and manually unlocked the door.
BBC NEWS: Women attacked cash machine with stiletto shoes
Only God can heel her and save her sole.
So, Steve Jobs has resigned from Apple, in a statement today he said 'iQuit!'
He left on health grounds, meaning it looks like an 'apple' a day doesnt keep the doctors away.
I think its really because he ran out of 'iDeas', His former company is now shook to the 'core'!!!
He is pursuing his dream of becoming a chef, the first thing he will make is Apple Crumble!
In the UK Thursday is exam results day.
I got a phone call from my son .
"I got 12 A's and 2 B's Dad," he burst. "Remember your promise... You told me 100 quid for every one I passed."
"You lying little git," I snapped. "You told me that you had learning difficulties."
I'm making a fortune out of promoting home security systems.
The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Hello".
At 3:00 in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
Only God can heel her and save her sole.
So, Steve Jobs has resigned from Apple, in a statement today he said 'iQuit!'
He left on health grounds, meaning it looks like an 'apple' a day doesnt keep the doctors away.
I think its really because he ran out of 'iDeas', His former company is now shook to the 'core'!!!
He is pursuing his dream of becoming a chef, the first thing he will make is Apple Crumble!
In the UK Thursday is exam results day.
I got a phone call from my son .
"I got 12 A's and 2 B's Dad," he burst. "Remember your promise... You told me 100 quid for every one I passed."
"You lying little git," I snapped. "You told me that you had learning difficulties."
I'm making a fortune out of promoting home security systems.
The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Hello".
At 3:00 in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
NowVoyager
Android Enthusiast
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies", He responded.
"Oh.! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.....
"What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies", He responded.
"Oh.! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.....
