• After 15+ years, we've made a big change: Android Forums is now Early Bird Club. Learn more here.

Android Forums's 100 Laughs

BBC news: 8 suicide bombers blow themselves up in Afghanistan, killing two people
I can't help thinking that Bin Laden might have been the brains behind Al Qaeda


BBC news: 8 suicide bombers blow themselves up in Afghanistan, killing two people
Go Al Qaeda! Go AlQaeda!
You thought you could never beat the US. You just did with your ratio of friendly fire.
Now there's a chances of winning this war.


Americans insist Osama's burial at sea is a Muslim tradition.
5 Minutes later.
Americans admit to confusing Muslims with Vikings


So the truth finally comes out!
Bin Laden was killed by the mafia.
Guess that's why he's swimming with the fish :p


Coincidentally, an anagram of Osama Bin Laden is "Lob da man in sea"
 
I hope that Al Qaeda don't monitor this site looking for ideas on where to lauch their retailation bombings otherwise they would be reminded that the Eurovision Song Contest featuring Blue & Jedward is on in Dusseldorf this Saturday from 21:00 (Tickets still available on-line).


Even though we both speak the same language, it's amazing how there are some subtle differences between American-English and British English:
They say "sidewalk" we say "pavement"
They say "pants" we say "trousers"
They say "buried at sea" we say "naked, chained to a metal bed frame with a car battery connected to his bollocks whilst being beaten for answers". :p


The identity of the Navy Seals that killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret. It's for their own safety. It's to keep them from being high-fived to death.
 
butt-hole-road-300x164.png


funny_road_signs_elderly_people_cemetary.jpg


funny_sign_boards_17-261x300.jpg


The rest: funny street signs
 
I was down near the Thames yesterday morning, I saw a radical Muslim, ranting on about Western aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan.
He was standing near the edge.
He got so excited he lost his footing and fell in and could not swim.
Being a responsible citizen, I notified the Police and ambulance services.
By noon today, they still hadn't arrived.
I'm beginning to think I've wasted a stamp!
 
News that explicit pornography was found during the raid on Osama Bin Laden's compound has shocked the Muslim world.
Some of the images are believed to be the very worst kind - full frontal face shots.


CNN: Pornagraphic material found in Bin Laden's house.
In Other News: Homes sought for 200 orphaned sheep and goats. :p


The US has released a list of the Porn found in Osama's house
1 - Ramadan her throat
2 - Jihad a good time
3 - Martyrs of ass destruction
4 - Hide in my cave
5 - Twang my tali-banjo string
6 - Al show you my Qaeda
7 - Get it allah inside her
8 - Burqa Bitches 14: All Allah, All Anal




Just heard that Justin bieber broke his foot, apparently he fell of a ladder trying to reach puberty


I'm not saying my wife's a dog, but every time we walk past a tree she takes a piss!


In the Norse God versus Christian God arguement:
Jesus promised the end of all wicked people.
Odin promised the end of all ice giants.
I don't see many ice giants around. :rolleyes:


I had a terrible dream about the wife last night.
I woke up, panicking, drenched in cold sweat.
Reached over to her side just to reassure myself, she was gone!
Then I remembered, we buried her yesterday.


Parallel lines have got so much in common.
Shame they'll never meet.


Wife: What would you do if I died?
Man: I would go insane
Wife: Would you re-marry?
Man: Not that insane
 
A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.
One day, papa mole sticks
his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air
and said,
'Yum! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head
out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said,
'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'


Now baby mole is trying
to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air,
but can't
because the bigger moles
are in the way.
This makes him whine,
'Geez, all I can smell is....




MOLASSES!
 
Imagine living with 3 wives and never leaving the house for 5 years :eek:
I think Osama called the US Navy Seals himself :p
 
I just want to thank the girl who ran with me for the last few kilometres of the Great Manchester Run yesterday, not wearing a sports bra. Your lack of support got me through.


My best mates nickname is 'The shagger'. You may think that is an awesome nickname to have, she doesn't seem to like it for some reason.


A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying like that!" After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazillion ?"


I caught my seven year-old son about to steal a biscuit from the cupboard.
I said, "Oi, I wouldn't do that if I was you"
He said, "No, but you'd put your willy in Auntie Sarah while Mummy was at work"
I said, "There's some chocolate ones in the fridge"


How do you disguise a horse using only cheese?
You use mascapone


When I was 11, getting changed for choir, I got my first embarassing erection.
Father O'Donnell's.
 
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 
INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
 
The wife giggled, "You might see me on TV with the Million Pound Drop?"
"I didn't know your constipation for was that bad" I replied


After watching the film Trainspotting we decided to make our son go cold turkey.
No more drugs in the house, No more needles.
Unfortunately it wasn't an effective cure for his diabetes.
The funeral is on Friday.


My Dad's from Jamaica and my Mum's from Bangkok.
For some reason people seem to think I'm doing really well for myself. Everywhere I go I hear the same thing.
"There's that tycoon I was telling you about." :p


I read that eating bananas makes your spunk taste nicer, so I've been eating about 20 every day.
There's been a real improvement in the customer feedback reviews for the Burger King I work at. :eek:


My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.
Why didn't I think of that?


BBC News: New tape by Bin Laden released.
Good to see he's following in 2Pac's footsteps.


I was swimming in the sea and I saw one of those things you get at funerals
A coral wreath


I offered my ex-wife a shoulder to cry on after she was diagnosed with cancer but she refused.
I forgot she doesn't like lamb.


Suffering from constipation ?
Tough Shit !!


If anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice,
They're lying.


Finally my jokes will be appreciated.
I've just bought myself a hyena.


The wife was looking a bit sad today, so I asked her what was wrong. She said,"I'm terrified that you don't love me anymore and I'm scared that you're going to leave me. What are you scared of?"
"Erm, snakes" I replied.


I was singing to my self earlier when my wife grasped me by the balls and said, "what would you say if I told you that I wanted these stuffed in my mouth right now".
I replied, "its just a song, they're not really chocolate salty balls".
 
I swear Mario is a hobo.
He wakes up everyday in the same clothes
Runs around in sewers, and collects coins.
To buy what? MUSHROOMS.


Police entered a catholic church and found the entire congregation dead.
On examination, they found they'd all been bored to death.
The priest has been charged with Mass Murder. :p


What do houseflies and Mac users have in common?
Neither of them understand how Windows work.


I nearly got ran over today
I was so angry I stormed over
Dragged him out of his seat and repeatedly punched him in the face.
The woman pushing his wheelchair was pretty annoyed. :(
 
A man is driving home from work one day and see's a bike with a for sale sign in a yard. So he stops to take a look at it.

The bike is old but in mint condition so he ask the old biker how he kept the chrome in such great shape.

The biker tells him that he just used a thin coat vaseline on the chrome, dirt and rain never touched it and it didnt rust.The man buys the bike and old biker throws in the jar of vaseline to make sure his old bike stays in good shape.

That evening the mans girl friend tells him they have dinner plans with her parents so he can meet them for the first time, so they cruise over on his bike. before they go in his girl friend tells him that her parents have a rule, whoever speaks during dinner washes the dishes.

The man shrugs it off but when he enters the home he finds years and years of dirty dishes stacked up in every room! While they are all sitting around eating dinner he decides he is going to have a little fun, so he reaches out and pinches his girlfriends breast...no one says a word.

Next he pulls girlfriend up, lifts her dress and does her doggy style right there in front of them...no one speaks.

Feeling like a real man now, a motorcycle, screwing his girl in front of her parents he thows his girlfriends mom on the table and has his way with her. Yet still, not a single word from anyone.

Just as he is about to sit down he hears thunder and remembers what the old biker told him, he pulls out the jar of vaseline to put on his chrome and the girlfriends father jumps in throwing his hands out screaming

"**** IT MAN, I'LL DO THE DISHES!!!!"
 
Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.

3. The owner of the course must approve the equipment before play may begin.

4. For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.

6. Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.

7. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.

8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention being given to the well-formed bunkers.

9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
 
Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve's VW Van when suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yelled out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration he opened the window, snapped the antenna off his van and proceeded to whip Fiona until they both collapsed in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona noticed that the marks left by the whipping session were starting to fester a bit so she went to the doctor. The doctor took one look at the wounds and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex??"

Fiona, embarrassed to own up to having kinky sex, eventually admitted that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor said, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring it's the worse case of van aerial disease I've ever seen."
 
  • Like
Reactions: mpw
Middle age texting codes:
ATD - at the doctor
BFF - best friend fell
BTW - bring the wheelchair
BYOT - bring your own teeth
FWIW - forgot where I was
GGPBL - gotta go, pacemaker battery low
GHA - got heartburn again
IMHO - is my hearing aid on?
LMDO - laughing my dentures out
OMMR - on my massage recliner
ROFLACGU - rolling on floor laughing and can't get up
TTML-talk to me louder!
 
ardchoille said:
Middle age texting codes:
ATD - at the doctor
BFF - best friend fell
BTW - bring the wheelchair
BYOT - bring your own teeth
FWIW - forgot where I was
GGPBL - gotta go, pacemaker battery low
GHA - got heartburn again
IMHO - is my hearing aid on?
LMDO - laughing my dentures out
OMMR - on my massage recliner
ROFLACGU - rolling on floor laughing and can't get up
TTML-talk to me louder!
Click to expand...
Middle age? Not hardly. Obviously written by a kid :rolleyes:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom