Musky
Android Expert
Very good, Matthew!
What happened to Matthew's cartoon? I wanted to grab it but didn't get the chance! Was is pulled for some reason It was really funny!
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Android Forums's 100 Laughs
- Thread starter david1215e
- Start date
What happened to Matthew's cartoon? I wanted to grab it but didn't get the chance! Was is pulled for some reason It was really funny!
It was a spammer, but I put that post back for you.
Musky
Android Expert
reinbeau
Klaatu barada nikto
Aw, he was a spammer? Shame on him!
Thanks!
And thanks for telling me, I saw it and thought I was going nuts!
that does not change the fact...
you are nutz
The Daily Gazette hired a recent graduate of the journalism college
to write human-interest articles for the newspaper.
He decided to go into the West Virginia Mountains to do his research.
He found an old farmer's house along an isolated road and introduced
himself to the man. He asked, "Has anything ever happened around here
that made you happy?"
The old farmer thought for a moment and said, "Yep, one time a
neighbor's sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it.
Then we all screwed it a little and took it back home."
"I can't print that, " the young reporter exclaimed.
"Can you think of anything else that made you happy?"
"Yep, one time a neighbor's daughter got lost, so we formed a posse
and found her. After we all screwed her real good, we took her home."
"Hell, I can't print that either," cried the frustrated reporter.
"Has anything ever happened that made you SAD?"
The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds.
Then he timidly replied, "Yep, I got lost once."
to write human-interest articles for the newspaper.
He decided to go into the West Virginia Mountains to do his research.
He found an old farmer's house along an isolated road and introduced
himself to the man. He asked, "Has anything ever happened around here
that made you happy?"
The old farmer thought for a moment and said, "Yep, one time a
neighbor's sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it.
Then we all screwed it a little and took it back home."
"I can't print that, " the young reporter exclaimed.
"Can you think of anything else that made you happy?"
"Yep, one time a neighbor's daughter got lost, so we formed a posse
and found her. After we all screwed her real good, we took her home."
"Hell, I can't print that either," cried the frustrated reporter.
"Has anything ever happened that made you SAD?"
The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds.
Then he timidly replied, "Yep, I got lost once."
Musky
Android Expert
Outlaw71
Android Expert
How about mine?
Uuuuhhhh... I don't get it? This is funny. It's a joke that was appropriately posted in a joke thread.... why was he banned and this considered spam???
A little girl goes to her parents and says:
"I think there's a poltergeist in our house!"
The parents smile at the little girl, and her mommy says:
"Don't worry, mommy and daddy are pretty sure there's no such thing; What makes you thing there is?"
The little girl explained:
"Well I heard that they move things around, and my knickers keep disappearing and turning up in your bedside cabinet Daddy."
Nervously the father says:
"um, yeah, I think we could have a poltergeist..."
"I think there's a poltergeist in our house!"
The parents smile at the little girl, and her mommy says:
"Don't worry, mommy and daddy are pretty sure there's no such thing; What makes you thing there is?"
The little girl explained:
"Well I heard that they move things around, and my knickers keep disappearing and turning up in your bedside cabinet Daddy."
Nervously the father says:
"um, yeah, I think we could have a poltergeist..."
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's
so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-la
so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-la
One day a lady went to the doctors' office and told the doctor that her husband wasn't interested in her any more he just wouldn't have sex with her anymore.
So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that "if you give your husband one of these pills then he would have sex with you."
So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in his dinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next day she thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she put two in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day. She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in his dinner and he ate it.
Three weeks later a little kid was outside screaming and a guy walked up to him and asked him what was wrong the little kid said, "My mom is dead, my sister is pregnent, my asshole hurts and my dad is in there on the floor saying, here kitty kitty kitty"
So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that "if you give your husband one of these pills then he would have sex with you."
So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in his dinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next day she thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she put two in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day. She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in his dinner and he ate it.
Three weeks later a little kid was outside screaming and a guy walked up to him and asked him what was wrong the little kid said, "My mom is dead, my sister is pregnent, my asshole hurts and my dad is in there on the floor saying, here kitty kitty kitty"
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
NightHawk877
Android Enthusiast
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and 1 to post that the light bulb has been
changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb
could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it’s "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
… another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is
perfectly correct
156 to email the participant’s ISPs complaining that they are in violation of
their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this
discussion to a lightbulb forum
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and
lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and
therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the
best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and
what brands are faulty
27 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL’s
3 to post about links they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this group
which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers
and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle
the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too’s" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"
1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start
it all over again.“
1 to change the light bulb and 1 to post that the light bulb has been
changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb
could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it’s "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
… another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is
perfectly correct
156 to email the participant’s ISPs complaining that they are in violation of
their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this
discussion to a lightbulb forum
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and
lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and
therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the
best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and
what brands are faulty
27 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL’s
3 to post about links they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this group
which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers
and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle
the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too’s" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"
1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start
it all over again.“
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an elderly lady sitting on her front
step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help
but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice
big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every
week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and
don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied.
step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help
but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice
big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every
week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and
don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?' 'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?' 'You must pay first..... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar. 'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who has never had sex....You have to take care of that problem!' The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...''Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But, your money stays where it is.' As time goes on, and
the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks.... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body. He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?' 'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?' 'You must pay first..... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar. 'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who has never had sex....You have to take care of that problem!' The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...''Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But, your money stays where it is.' As time goes on, and
the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks.... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body. He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'
Applied for a new job last week, got a phone call yeterday inviting me for interview as apparently I "ticked all the right boxes"
Went this morning and the interviewer says "you're not quite what I was expecting in terms of your appearance"
"Why's that?" I asked
He replied "Well, I wasn't expecting a chinese albanian of mexican descent to look like you do"
Went this morning and the interviewer says "you're not quite what I was expecting in terms of your appearance"
"Why's that?" I asked
He replied "Well, I wasn't expecting a chinese albanian of mexican descent to look like you do"
