-
After 15+ years, we've made a big change: Android Forums is now Early Bird Club. Learn more here.
Android Forums's 100 Laughs
- Thread starter david1215e
- Start date
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly
Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's
down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go
back as priests. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring
above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of
this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track
of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over
the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be
more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's
down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go
back as priests. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring
above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of
this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track
of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over
the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be
more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the Greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the Greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
Outlaw71
Android Expert
The difference between men and women...
A woman goes out drinking, is out all night, and comes back home in the morning. Furious her husband asks where she's been. She says to him, "I'm sorry honey, I was out drinking with my best friend last night and I passed out at her place". So the man calls up her 10 closest friends in the world and tells them what his wife had told him. All 10 of the women tell the husband that they are very sorry, but they had not seen his wife the night before, so it must have been another one of her friends.
Guy goes out drinking, is out all night, and comes home in the morning. Furious, his wife demands to know where he's been. He tells her, "oh I'm sorry honey, I went out drinking with my best buddy last night, and passed out at his place". So the wife calls up his 10 best friends and tells them the story he had told her. All 10 admit that they went out drinking with her husband the night before, and 4 of them tell her he's still on their couch sleeping it off!
A woman goes out drinking, is out all night, and comes back home in the morning. Furious her husband asks where she's been. She says to him, "I'm sorry honey, I was out drinking with my best friend last night and I passed out at her place". So the man calls up her 10 closest friends in the world and tells them what his wife had told him. All 10 of the women tell the husband that they are very sorry, but they had not seen his wife the night before, so it must have been another one of her friends.
Guy goes out drinking, is out all night, and comes home in the morning. Furious, his wife demands to know where he's been. He tells her, "oh I'm sorry honey, I went out drinking with my best buddy last night, and passed out at his place". So the wife calls up his 10 best friends and tells them the story he had told her. All 10 admit that they went out drinking with her husband the night before, and 4 of them tell her he's still on their couch sleeping it off!
Outlaw71
Android Expert
A rough and tumble biker walks into a bar with his biker buddies. This guy is the toughest biker you ever did meet. Lives to fight, always looking to kick the shit out of anyone who so much as looks at him the wrong way. Tonight he's even more pissed off than usual because his girlfriend had just ran off with another dude. He wants nothing more than to take his frustrations out on the first poor sap who crosses his path. As he sits down at a table with his gang another, older, but just as tough biker sees him sitting there and decides to pick his beer up and stumbles over to have a word with the guy.
Spilling beer all over the place and swaying from side to side in front of the younger bikers table the old biker says to him, "hey buddy guess what, I seen your gramma today... that's one fine looking old bag I tell ya"!
The young bikers buddies eyes pop right out of their heads, their sure their friend is going to jump up and pulverize this old drunken fool where he stands. But the young biker just sits there, sipping on his beer, staring out the window.
Then the older biker walks a little closer to the table and continues,"hell yeah and guess what else dude, I got me somma that! I screwed yer gramma right there on her couch. Man that was the best lay of my entire life"!
The young bikers friends just know the fight is on now, there's no way in hell their buddy is going to stand for this guy shit talking his grandma like this, you could cut the tension in the air with a knife... but the younger biker still sits there drinking his beer, not doing a thing. His friends are confounded. What is he waiting for???
Then the older biker leans over across the table and whispers, "..... and you know what??? Yer gramma..... she liked it"!
Suddenly the young biker bursts up from his seat, throws his chair back and leans back over across the table towards the older biker and screams, "Grampa... GO HOME"!!!
Spilling beer all over the place and swaying from side to side in front of the younger bikers table the old biker says to him, "hey buddy guess what, I seen your gramma today... that's one fine looking old bag I tell ya"!
The young bikers buddies eyes pop right out of their heads, their sure their friend is going to jump up and pulverize this old drunken fool where he stands. But the young biker just sits there, sipping on his beer, staring out the window.
Then the older biker walks a little closer to the table and continues,"hell yeah and guess what else dude, I got me somma that! I screwed yer gramma right there on her couch. Man that was the best lay of my entire life"!
The young bikers friends just know the fight is on now, there's no way in hell their buddy is going to stand for this guy shit talking his grandma like this, you could cut the tension in the air with a knife... but the younger biker still sits there drinking his beer, not doing a thing. His friends are confounded. What is he waiting for???
Then the older biker leans over across the table and whispers, "..... and you know what??? Yer gramma..... she liked it"!
Suddenly the young biker bursts up from his seat, throws his chair back and leans back over across the table towards the older biker and screams, "Grampa... GO HOME"!!!
^^ did you know.. that you can subscribe.. without posting?
scroll to top.. look for... "thread tools". you are welcome.
Thanks for the tip... Just consider my previous post the joke of the day ;-)
C
Char_in_md
Guest
funny!
Musky
Android Expert
Two Cajuns
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking dem
bud-lite.
Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and says, 'You know me, I'm tired of going tru
life without dat education. Tomorrow me I'm goin to dat Community College
and sign me up for some classes.'
Thibodeaux thinks it's a good idea and the two have another bud-lite.
The next day, Boudreaux goes down to the college and meets Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English,
History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Boudreaux says. 'What's dat Hun?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you
would have a yard.'
'Dat's right, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house.'
'Mais Yeh, I got me a house dare.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family.'
'Mais Yeh dats right too, I have a family.
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have
a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a
heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. Dat's amazing, you were able to find all dat out
because I got da weed eater.'
Excited to take the class now, Boudreaux shakes the Dean's hand and leaves
to go meet Thibodeaux at the bar. He tells Thibodeaux about his classes,
how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic? ' Thibodeaux says, 'What's dat?'
Boudreaux says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
'No.'
'Den you're a queer.'
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking dem
bud-lite.
Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and says, 'You know me, I'm tired of going tru
life without dat education. Tomorrow me I'm goin to dat Community College
and sign me up for some classes.'
Thibodeaux thinks it's a good idea and the two have another bud-lite.
The next day, Boudreaux goes down to the college and meets Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English,
History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Boudreaux says. 'What's dat Hun?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you
would have a yard.'
'Dat's right, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house.'
'Mais Yeh, I got me a house dare.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family.'
'Mais Yeh dats right too, I have a family.
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have
a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a
heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. Dat's amazing, you were able to find all dat out
because I got da weed eater.'
Excited to take the class now, Boudreaux shakes the Dean's hand and leaves
to go meet Thibodeaux at the bar. He tells Thibodeaux about his classes,
how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic? ' Thibodeaux says, 'What's dat?'
Boudreaux says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
'No.'
'Den you're a queer.'
Men's Reasoning
Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,
"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection,
I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,
"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection,
I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
What a woman wants in man
Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
* What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
* What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car...
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
* What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch, fart or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
* What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
* What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
* What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
* What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car...
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
* What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch, fart or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
* What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
* What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat
a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be
able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when
a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
- -- -------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,
who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right .
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat
a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be
able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when
a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
- -- -------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,
who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right .
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Outlaw71
Android Expert
Wendy wakes up one morning, opens her living room blinds, and is horrified to discover an ape sitting up in her front yard tree. She immediately phones the police...
Police : 911, what's your emergency?
Wendy : Yes I need you to dispatch an officer to my home immediately, there is an ape in my tree!
Police : Ma'am did you just say there's an ape in your tree?
Wendy : Yes, yes an ape! Oh God please hurry, I'm afraid to go outside, you gotta help me!
Police : Ok calm down ma'am, I'm terribly sorry, but we don't handle those types of situations. But it just so happens that I know of a guy who specialized in just that. He's expensive, but he's good.
Wendy : Oh price is no object, I just want this ape out of my tree!!!
Police : Ok, well his name is Andy, his business is 'Andy's Ape Removal Serice', and his number is 1-800-APE-GONE.
Wendy hangs up the phone and calls the number.
Andy : Andy's ape removal service.
Wendy : Yes I'm calling because I have an ape outside in my front yard tree and I need you to come get him out immediately!!!
Andy : You say you have an ape in your tree eh?
Wendy : Yes! A great big, hairy, terrifying ape, can you come now??? I'm trapped in my house, I can't even go outside, I need that thing out of me tree!!!
Andy : Ah I see. Well you're in luck ma'am, I had a call earlier that I thought was going to tie me up all day, but when I got there it turned out to be a gorilla. And I don't mess around with them guys there ya know, that's Garys job. So yes, luckily I'm free to come out and take care of this ape problem for ya... you're sure it's an ape, right?
Wendy : Yes, I know the difference!
Andy : Good..... is it male of female?
Wendy piers closely at the ape...
Wendy : Male.
Andy : Ok, then I'll have to bring Max..... be right there.
Less than 10 minutes later, a white van reading 'Andy's Ape Removal Service' pulls up. Andy gets out, walks around to the back of the van, and retrieves a long stick, a shotgun, and a menacing pit bull. He then walks up to the front door where Wendy is eagerly waiting. Upon arriving on the porch Andy asks Wendy,
Andy : Ok ma'am, where is this ape of yours?
Wendy points up at the tree in her front yard Andy had just walked past. Andy turns around and takes a look...
Andy : Aaahhh... well you're right, that's an ape alright. And male just like you said he was. Ok, so now what I'm going to do is I'm going to climb that tree, and I'm going to take this stick and push that there ape of yours right out of the tree. As soon as he lands on the ground, Max here was trained in Germany to handle just this sort of scenario. So what he'll do, is he'll run up, bite down on his testicles, and rip them clean off all in one swift motion. This will completely incapacitate the ape, and I'll be able to load him up in my van and haul him off to the zoo. Got it?
Wendy : Wow, sounds pretty extreme... is it really necessary to have to resort to such cruel tactics? I mean.... isn't there any other way???
Andy : No ma'am. Trust me, this is the ONLY way to deal with the males. They get terribly vicious when you push em out of a tree, they don't like it one bit. Hell he'll go on a rampage like you've never seen in your life time! But it's up to you, you can either let me do this my way, or you can try to get this guy out of your tree yourself.
Wendy : Oh no. No, no, no... you go ahead and do whatever you have to do. I just want him out of my tree!
Andy : Alrighty then.
Andy then starts to head out towards the tree...
Wendy : Ummmm, Andy? Say what's this shotgun you left lying on my porch for?
Andy : Oh goodness, I almost forgot to tell you the most important part! Well you see ma'am I've been doing this for many, many years now, and I'm the best around at removing apes from out of peoples trees...
Wendy : Yes, you came highly recommended.
Andy : Thank you. So anyways like I said I've been doing this for years, and I've never failed to push the ape out of the tree just like I said I would. However, I'm getting older, and you just never can say exactly what's going to happen when you're attempting to do such a daunting task. So I want you to take that there shotgun, and if by some unlikely chance that ape pushes ME outa your tree...... SHOOT THAT MOTHER ****ING DOG!!!!
Police : 911, what's your emergency?
Wendy : Yes I need you to dispatch an officer to my home immediately, there is an ape in my tree!
Police : Ma'am did you just say there's an ape in your tree?
Wendy : Yes, yes an ape! Oh God please hurry, I'm afraid to go outside, you gotta help me!
Police : Ok calm down ma'am, I'm terribly sorry, but we don't handle those types of situations. But it just so happens that I know of a guy who specialized in just that. He's expensive, but he's good.
Wendy : Oh price is no object, I just want this ape out of my tree!!!
Police : Ok, well his name is Andy, his business is 'Andy's Ape Removal Serice', and his number is 1-800-APE-GONE.
Wendy hangs up the phone and calls the number.
Andy : Andy's ape removal service.
Wendy : Yes I'm calling because I have an ape outside in my front yard tree and I need you to come get him out immediately!!!
Andy : You say you have an ape in your tree eh?
Wendy : Yes! A great big, hairy, terrifying ape, can you come now??? I'm trapped in my house, I can't even go outside, I need that thing out of me tree!!!
Andy : Ah I see. Well you're in luck ma'am, I had a call earlier that I thought was going to tie me up all day, but when I got there it turned out to be a gorilla. And I don't mess around with them guys there ya know, that's Garys job. So yes, luckily I'm free to come out and take care of this ape problem for ya... you're sure it's an ape, right?
Wendy : Yes, I know the difference!
Andy : Good..... is it male of female?
Wendy piers closely at the ape...
Wendy : Male.
Andy : Ok, then I'll have to bring Max..... be right there.
Less than 10 minutes later, a white van reading 'Andy's Ape Removal Service' pulls up. Andy gets out, walks around to the back of the van, and retrieves a long stick, a shotgun, and a menacing pit bull. He then walks up to the front door where Wendy is eagerly waiting. Upon arriving on the porch Andy asks Wendy,
Andy : Ok ma'am, where is this ape of yours?
Wendy points up at the tree in her front yard Andy had just walked past. Andy turns around and takes a look...
Andy : Aaahhh... well you're right, that's an ape alright. And male just like you said he was. Ok, so now what I'm going to do is I'm going to climb that tree, and I'm going to take this stick and push that there ape of yours right out of the tree. As soon as he lands on the ground, Max here was trained in Germany to handle just this sort of scenario. So what he'll do, is he'll run up, bite down on his testicles, and rip them clean off all in one swift motion. This will completely incapacitate the ape, and I'll be able to load him up in my van and haul him off to the zoo. Got it?
Wendy : Wow, sounds pretty extreme... is it really necessary to have to resort to such cruel tactics? I mean.... isn't there any other way???
Andy : No ma'am. Trust me, this is the ONLY way to deal with the males. They get terribly vicious when you push em out of a tree, they don't like it one bit. Hell he'll go on a rampage like you've never seen in your life time! But it's up to you, you can either let me do this my way, or you can try to get this guy out of your tree yourself.
Wendy : Oh no. No, no, no... you go ahead and do whatever you have to do. I just want him out of my tree!
Andy : Alrighty then.
Andy then starts to head out towards the tree...
Wendy : Ummmm, Andy? Say what's this shotgun you left lying on my porch for?
Andy : Oh goodness, I almost forgot to tell you the most important part! Well you see ma'am I've been doing this for many, many years now, and I'm the best around at removing apes from out of peoples trees...
Wendy : Yes, you came highly recommended.
Andy : Thank you. So anyways like I said I've been doing this for years, and I've never failed to push the ape out of the tree just like I said I would. However, I'm getting older, and you just never can say exactly what's going to happen when you're attempting to do such a daunting task. So I want you to take that there shotgun, and if by some unlikely chance that ape pushes ME outa your tree...... SHOOT THAT MOTHER ****ING DOG!!!!
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."
The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to Brownsville . They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock and Amarillo . From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas .
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012" and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to Brownsville . They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock and Amarillo . From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas .
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012" and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
Gnomad
Well-Known Member
A lot of people have been asking me lately what's the best way to catch a Polar Bear, and here it is. Go out on the lake and cut a big hole in the ice. Then take a can of Peas and put them one by one around the hole approx. 1" apart. Then hide. When a Polar Bear comes to take a Pea, run out and kick him in the Ice Hole. Trust me, it works.
ElasticNinja
Android Expert
^^^^
this
this
M
Member243850
Guest
lol
Frisco
=Luceat Lux Vestra=
+1 (and moved to "100 laughs" thread).
Note that your post, Outlaw, is #100 in the thread now.
