Today was a total roller coaster ride! I got up feeling good--like actually GOOD. I decided that I'd go to CVS to pick up some prescriptions, and then stop at Ralphs to get some groceries. I usually order groceries online (thank goodness for Vons!), but felt the need to force myself to be amongst the living.
So I get to CVS, in the drive-thru lane as always, and the woman who helps me knows me by name and everything. As soon as she asked 'how are you?' I started crying.
I told her my mom had died. She was very sweet and kind.
I left there and went to the Ralphs that's right down the street. I'm fine. Until I start passing by item after item that I would have bought for Mom before. I started crying again. (I had my shades on...super cool, you know, especially here in SoCal. I mean, I COULD be a movie star or something...doing their own shopping at Ralphs in Arcadia.
) I went to the deli to get some Greek pasta salad and some other stuff, and the guy helping me said "Is something bothering you?" (At this point I wasn't crying.) So I said, "My mom died recently..." and then he was super kind and sweet and nice, too.
Finally, I went to check out and the box boy I know by name; he's a very sweet and gentle young man who happens to have Down syndrome. I asked him to help me out to my car, and as we were walking along I told him my mom had died. He stopped in his tracks and put his arms around me.
I came home and realized I can no longer just pull up in my driveway, honk a couple times, and magically have Mom's aide appear to take the groceries in. So I did it. Huffing and puffing (stupid asthma), but I did it!
I went outside and turned the sprinklers on in the backyard, then sat on the patio and had a cup of coffee. I called my husband to tell him I was having a rather good day, and that I had actually ventured out and wasn't a sobbing heap all day. By the time we hung up...I was sobbing again. I don't know what it is, but for some reason hearing HIS voice starts the floodgates. I think because he, more than anyone else on earth, knows the history between Mom and me, and how difficult and strained our relationship was for oh-so-many years. So it's like I don't have to EXPLAIN anything to him, he was there through so much of it, he KNOWS. He gets all the mixed feelings I have. He gets the flood of emotions which are all over the map.
Oh, in case you're wondering...or are just totally confused, my husband and I are technically divorced and currently live thousands of miles apart. However, we are so intertwined in each other's lives, and love and care about each other so much, that it's truly just a technicality that we're no longer married. In 2009 when my brain tumor was diagnosed, the minute I told him about it and that it would have to be removed he said "I'll start looking at tickets right now." I said, "Wait, what? Are you going to be here?!" And he said "You're having BRAIN SURGERY--where else would I be?"
He visits often, and, yes, we even sleep together. (As in SLEEP. At our age...well, never mind... *sigh*) He was here prior to Mom's death; he left Sunday and she died the following morning. We have power of attorney for each other. And cards on each other's bank accounts. And when I had brain surgery, he had the legal authority to pull the plug! That'd be a dream come true for most divorced people. :laugh:
In the weeks before she died, after the mental confusion set in, Mom thought we were still married. So we kept up that charade in order to keep her calm and reassure her. Every day she'd ask me when he was going to come over, and I'd say he was so busy with work he just couldn't come over right now, but maybe tomorrow. He'd talk to her every day or two on the phone and he'd say the same thing. When he did actually arrive, she thought he'd just come from around the corner where she thought he and I live. I HATE--as in DESPISE--liars (like my sister), but this is one case where I have no regrets whatsoever about having lied to my mother. When she saw my husband, our daughter, and me together as a unit in her final days, it calmed and reassured her. It helped give her peace. And for that I'm not the least bit sorry.
ETA: Believe it or not, there's more! I forgot a couple of things. I FINALLY planted some flower seeds today. Just one packet, but still, that's one packet more than I had done so far.
And then there's the mail that arrived today--two things from the DMV, one for me and one for Mom...our latest disabled placards. I have to send hers back with 'deceased' on the envelope.
It's this amazing place with an endless salad bar type arrangement, but it's not just salad stuff. The best part is that every dish has a label stating if it's vegan or vegetarian [or not], so I can choose easily. 
