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MoodyBlues' Mother

Rico ANDROID said:
Mb just checking in to see how you are. Everyones thinking of you and your famly. Were you able to do something ror you today?
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I'm doing surprisingly well today, Rico. Thanks for asking. I've even wondered if it's "normal" to be doing this well already. I'm making myself stay focused on a few key points, including Mom being at peace now and her not wanting me to be sad, and that seems to be helping. A lot. :)
 
MoodyBlues said:
I'm doing surprisingly well today, Rico. Thanks for asking. I've even wondered if it's "normal" to be doing this well already. I'm making myself stay focused on a few key points, including Mom being at peace now and her not wanting me to be sad, and that seems to be helping. A lot. :)
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yeah for me what really helped me get thru it all was being constantly focused. i kept my mind busy with school, work, and AF. i also tried to hang out with my friends as much as possible. my freinds were great. they made sure that i did not mope around the house too much.

it is good to see that you are well. i hope this continues for yourself.:)
 
When my first wife passed, I did a family reconnect. A 15 day road trip up and down the eastern seaboard. It gave me time to think while driving, distractions in reliving old times with family I hadn't seen in some cases years, and some good new memories to hold on to.
 
My sincere condolence!

I lost my dad a bit more than a year ago.

Grief is a process. It takes time and it doesn't follow logical rules. You might feel good when you think you shouldn't, then it hits you. Don't be a hero, lean on friend and family. It's good for them too.

Wish you well
 
My Allstate agent's office just called and said it's official, they've received the documentation that it's my name, only, on the title for the house. So that part of the post-reading-of-the-will paperwork is a done deal. Then we went over increasing various coverage since I drive, and my mom didn't any more. Talked about an umbrella policy that covers both home and auto issues above and beyond each one's individual limits.

I continue to be surprised that I'm NOT a sobbing heap any more. I'm actually getting concerned that this isn't normal. Whatever normal is! But then I think about how I keep telling other people there is no rule book for this, that whatever happens happens, and that grieving is a very personal, individual process. My best friend pointed out last night--after I told her I kind of feel guilty about not sobbing constantly any more--that the relief factor has to be part of this, i.e., my life was so consumed with caring for Mom, and whether I acknowledge it consciously or not, the truth is that there's great physical and emotional relief from no longer having to do that. One day, not long before her death, when I got up that morning I could smell poop IMMEDIATELY. I went into her room only to find my mother...my MOTHER...covered head to toe in poop--and oblivious to it. Poop had seeped up out of her diaper during the night, and she'd stuck her hand in it...and it was literally everywhere--on her, on her bedding, just everywhere. Looking back at times like that, I really see how much relief I have now. I've even noticed that physical aches and pains I had have now gone away or at least subsided. I no longer was able to distinguish what was truly physical pain and what was manifesting itself physically but was actually emotional in origin. (Hope that makes sense.)
 
While I'm extremely happy that you're doing what needs to be done and you're holding your head high, just remember what you said about there not being a rule book, just keep doing what you're doing but be prepared for the difficult days also. Hopefully few and far between, but they will be there, it's a natural part of grief.. Make sure that you don't push yourself too hard trying to maintain "normality" and allow yourself to be miserable if that's what you want that day.:p:thumbup:
OB
 
The death certificates arrived in the mail yesterday. It's very, very sobering to see your mother referred to as "the decedent." :( And I'm really unhappy that on all the documents since her death my relationship isn't listed as "daughter" but as "DPOA" (durable power of attorney). While I can certainly understand that it's the correct legal term, it annoys me that they can't make it "daughter/DPOA" or something. :mad:

My cousin and I are going to go pick up Mom's ashes next weekend--*IF* I don't do it alone before then. I told her it may go either way.
 
ocnbrze said:
yeah for me what really helped me get thru it all was being constantly focused. i kept my mind busy with school, work, and AF. i also tried to hang out with my friends as much as possible. my freinds were great. they made sure that i did not mope around the house too much.

it is good to see that you are well. i hope this continues for yourself.:)
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Thats the same with me. I didnt realize i was in a really low state and began isolating myself literally unknowingly after my moms death. It was relatives and close family friends who grabbed hold and made if an effort to get me back on solid ground. Turns out that those busy moments and things like day-trips and stuff i talked about some time before but never got to do before, !ts these things i think of the most now.

Now i have had the same health scare that my mom had but last check is all clear (she was in her 40's) and i find myself stronger about it having learned from her how she was always smiling and staying busy.

Sounds like MOODYBLUES had a great day! Take it a day at a time . You have one advantage for support, you have a global bunch of buddies rooting for you, chica! Everyones here for you, good days and some not so good. :D
 
MoodyBlues said:
The death certificates arrived in the mail yesterday. It's very, very sobering to see your mother referred to as "the decedent." :( And I'm really unhappy that on all the documents since her death my relationship isn't listed as "daughter" but as "DPOA" (durable power of attorney). While I can certainly understand that it's the correct legal term, it annoys me that they can't make it "daughter/DPOA" or something. :mad:

My cousin and I are going to go pick up Mom's ashes next weekend--*IF* I don't do it alone before then. I told her it may go either way.
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Take your cousin with you unless you feel you are ready to do this. Yes thats a totally legal term that needed to be worded that way because, believe me, you'll be saved mountains of problems that could crop up if it werent documented on the certificate. That makes it easier to handle other forms and documents as well as social security and other services where you dont have to fight over and over trying to prove you were the DPOA of your moms affairs.
 
They're coming to pick up Mom's hospital bed and wheelchair this afternoon. I called the medical supply place last week, after I realized that if I didn't let them know I'd end up having to pay the ENTIRE amount, not just the part insurance didn't cover, so I did it. Her bedroom is going to look so empty when they're gone. At some point I think I'll put a daybed in there...

I know I need to get back to doing something productive, but somehow it's just not happening yet. I actually made a list--I mean of the most basic stuff, like 'eat, shower, pay bills'--just to make sure I don't skip things.

Please note: It's therapeutic for me to chronicle what's happening, but I don't expect continued response to this thread! :D
 
MoodyBlues said:
They're coming to pick up Mom's hospital bed and wheelchair this afternoon. I called the medical supply place last week, after I realized that if I didn't let them know I'd end up having to pay the ENTIRE amount, not just the part insurance didn't cover, so I did it. Her bedroom is going to look so empty when they're gone. At some point I think I'll put a daybed in there...

I know I need to get back to doing something productive, but somehow it's just not happening yet. I actually made a list--I mean of the most basic stuff, like 'eat, shower, pay bills'--just to make sure I don't skip things.

Please note: It's therapeutic for me to chronicle what's happening, but I don't expect continued response to this thread! :D
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Thanks for continuing to post! You know...if I didn't see a post from you every day or two, I'd get worried and have to step outside my comfort zone.
 
Thanks guys. :)

I'm still sitting here waiting--they were supposed to be here between 2:00 and 6:00, and usually--for me--things happen at the beginning of the time window, so I expected them here at 2:00 sharp. Oh well. I took some pictures of Mom's room with the stripped down hospital bed waiting to be picked up. Strange, surreal transformation in there, documented by pics and videos I've taken over the weeks, starting with Mom alive and talking, playing her slot machine, then her just sleeping, then dead, now the stripped down bed, and soon emptiness where the bed was. I thought about having her bed moved back in from the garage, but don't want to. I'd rather put a daybed in there at some point down the road than see Mom's empty bed, you know?
 
A lot of symbolism there. After my dad died, on the way back from the hospital I realized that my mom would be returning to a bedroom full of medical waste and sheets that got stained while the paramedics did whatever they did. The idea horrified me, so I asked a family friend who had come to the hospital to keep my mom busy as I stripped the bed, put fresh sheets on it, and picked up all of the paramedics' litter. Looking back I can't imagine how I had the presence of mind to think of it! It was all surreal. Now she has a hospital style bed that adjusts position, but without the extra hardware like side rails. She talks about how she wants to die in that bed, her own bed. It's sort of creepy to me, but I suppose that's how old people think. At least I won't have to worry about returning hers.
 
MoodyBlues said:
They're coming to pick up Mom's hospital bed and wheelchair this afternoon. I called the medical supply place last week, after I realized that if I didn't let them know I'd end up having to pay the ENTIRE amount, not just the part insurance didn't cover, so I did it. Her bedroom is going to look so empty when they're gone. At some point I think I'll put a daybed in there...

I know I need to get back to doing something productive, but somehow it's just not happentherapeapeuti. I actually made a list--I mean of the most basic stuff, like 'eat, shower, pay bills'--just to make sure I don't skip things.

Please note: It's therapeutic for me to chronicle what's happening, but I don't expect continued response to this thread! :D
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Hey no probl
 
I know that in this day and age, when people post their most intimate, private moments...like GIVING BIRTH...all over the Internet, it probably wouldn't be too weird to post pics of my mother. But, alas, some of us do still have SOME common sense. :D So I'm skipping the pics I took of Mom, both before and after she died, because I don't want to violate her privacy; I'm just posting the transformation in her room since then.

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My little girl, who Mom adored, curled up on Grandma's shirts:

Moms_room_031313a.jpg
 
MoodyBlues is moving in the rght direction. The pics shows a lot of work youve done already. Thats good! Thats not a cat.....thats a C A T! :D
 
MoodyBlues said:
...I'm just posting the transformation in her room since then.
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Thanks for sharing that private stuff with us!

It keeps on dredging up memories for me though. The wheelchair reminded me of when my grandfather was in decline, and my dad (who worked for American Hospital Supply Corp.) ordered the "Cadillac of wheelchairs" for his father-in-law to use. Well, I don't think my grandfather could ever be coaxed to even look at the thing, but I put lots of miles on it, annoying everyone except my grandpa. ;)
 
Rico ANDROID said:
MoodyBlues is moving in the rght direction. The pics shows a lot of work youve done already. Thats good!
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Thanks. I'll admit I planned on letting the hospital bed and wheelchair stay until Mom's insurance called to check up on it, then it dawned on me that that could be 2-3 months down the road. By then...if I told them, well, you know, actually, she died on MARCH 11, I'd get stuck paying full price for them! :eek:

Thats not a cat.....thats a C A T! :D
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She's my baby. I've had her since she was 5 weeks old; she's almost 8-1/2 years old now. My mom adored her--as do I. :D
 
Speed Daemon said:
Thanks for sharing that private stuff with us!
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I find it therapeutic, but like I mentioned I still feel there are boundaries for what's okay to post online! I just can't believe some of the really private, personal stuff people make available to random strangers.

It keeps on dredging up memories for me though. The wheelchair reminded me of when my grandfather was in decline, and my dad (who worked for American Hospital Supply Corp.) ordered the "Cadillac of wheelchairs" for his father-in-law to use. Well, I don't think my grandfather could ever be coaxed to even look at the thing, but I put lots of miles on it, annoying everyone except my grandpa. ;)
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I can imagine! :D

I understand your grandfather's reticence to use the wheelchair. There's a pride thing that can happen in older people, as I learned throughout this journey with my mom. Example: She had been deaf in her left ear since early childhood, and the hearing in her right ear began declining a few years ago. We went for testing and everything, and she was fitted with a state-of-the-art TINY hearing aid--you really couldn't see it unless you were like 6 inches away and actively LOOKING for it in her ear--but she refused to wear it. Vanity, plain and simple. She preferred to trade HEARING better for not being 'embarrassed' by wearing a hearing aid. :rolleyes: I used to tell her to stop being ridiculous, that if it were me I'd prefer being able to hear over worrying about what some stranger might think if they spotted a hearing aid in my ear. And that wasn't just talk, either! After my brain tumor was diagnosed and I found out what kind of surgery would be done to remove it (middle fossa craniotomy), and what its complications could be, there was a very real chance that I'd lose all hearing on my right side. My pre-op research yielded this nifty kind of hearing aid, I think it's called CROS (but don't trust my memory), which consists of aids in BOTH ears, and takes sound detected on the deaf side and pipes it around to the aid on the hearing side. I was all set to get that if I woke up deaf in my right ear. Thankfully, that didn't happen (I lost some hearing, but not all) as they were able to dissect the tumor away from the acoustic nerve, and didn't have to sacrifice the latter in order to remove the former. My long-winded point being, SCREW VANITY! :laugh:

But back to your grandfather. It has to be really hard to come to terms with things like needing a wheelchair--not temporarily like I did post-craniotomy, but permanently due to old age. Knowing there's no going back. Ditto for things like not driving any more. It's one thing when it's temporary, as I've experienced multiple times, but it's something completely different when you know there's no going back to how it used to be. :(
 
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