• After 15+ years, we've made a big change: Android Forums is now Early Bird Club. Learn more here.

Tell me a joke...

And a lawyer joke:

A lawyer wakes up in a hospital room after cardiac surgery.
All the blinds are drawn.
He asks the nurse, "What's going on? Why are the blinds drawn?"

She replies, "Well, the building across the street is on fire, and we didn't want you to think the surgery was a failure!"
 
NavyBiscuits.jpg
 
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming,"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"

She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...“Win a Bagel”
 
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be 8 again", she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Puffs, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie with popcorn, soda, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted and feeling sick.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being 8 again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you f@*#* moron!!"

The moral of the story: even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
 
733557827_906994035756587_6879462567631597939_n.jpg

WARNING! SCAM ALERT! Be on the lookout for these two women. They are hanging out around Walmart parking lots. When you are putting your groceries away they ask you for a ride to McDonald’s. They are very convincing and very hot! Once in your car this one takes her clothes off and starts climbing all over you, while she keeps you busy, the other one takes your wallet. I’ve had mine taken on the 12th, 14th, 15th and twice yesterday and probably two more times tomorrow. Walmart has wallets for $2.99, but I found some at the Dollar Store for .99¢ so I bought all they had.
These two harlots not only take your wallet, but you never even make it to McDonald’s so I’ve already lost 10lbs.
Keep a lookout for them. (I find lunch time and around 5:30 are the best times.)
 
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
 
This older Chinese couple was at home quietly celebrating their 60th anniversary. The wife turns to her little old husband, frail and thin, worked down to the bone after so many years owning and cooking in their little Chinese restaurant, and says, rather sheepishly, “Sweetheart, for our 60th anniversary, I want to ask you for something we’ve never had.” The husband looks lovingly at his wife. How could he say no on this momentous occasion. “What would you like, my love?” She smiles and looks away, too embarrassed to ask. After about 20 seconds, she works up the courage to ask. “I’ve never asked for this, but I was hoping we could have 69.” The husband was confused. He scratched his head, unsure of her request. She said again, “You know, 69.” The husband grumbled and thought, then it hit him.

“You want… beef and broccori??”
 
Bubba's pregnant sister was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.

The woman thought to herself, "Oh, no!Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother says, "Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise.

What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."
 
This may have been posted at some other time, but well worth revisiting.



Mississippi Grandma​

-Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
 
A morbidly obese man had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight. He'd tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Carnivore, Atkins, Weight Watchers, and many more. None of them worked.

One day, he was reading the newspaper when he noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight

Only $1.00 a pound

Call (202) 555-0238
​

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A male voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

The man responded, "Ten pounds."

The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

About 9:00 AM the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading, "If you catch me, you can screw me."

Well, the big guy chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was finished enjoying his reward, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!"

He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost exactly ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The male voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

The somewhat less overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."

"Very well," the voice told him, "Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

At about 8:00 AM the next morning the man received a knock on the door. When he opened the door he saw a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman, dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck reading, "If you catch me, you can screw me."

The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again: the male voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

"Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed.

"Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time."

The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and hung up the phone.

About 6:00 AM the next morning the man got out of bed, showered and shaved, splashed on some cologne and got all ready for the day's representative.

Around 7:00 AM he heard a knock on the door. When he opened the door, he saw a huge gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom